snickers

[snickers]

hi I’m new. Just trying to work things out in my. If I’m being abused its subtle. The property we live in is in a terrible state, I’m too ashamed to have visitors. He keeps saying he’ll fix it up – he has the skills, but he doesn’t, and he won’t let workmen do it either. This has been going on for years. If I ask for it to be done he says its my fault it hasn’t been done because I keep changing my mind. Then I explain what I want done and he holds up his hands and says he can’t understand me and I need to draw out a plan. When I draw out a plan he just puts it in his piles of papers and loses it. All this is done in a harassed tone as if I’m a nagging child. I’ve tried to have a heart-to-heart with him a couple of times, but I can’t make a connection, he is so sharp-toned I end up crying myself to sleep. I told him I wanted to leave and he was super-nice for a few weeks, I thought it was all going to be OK. Now I feel like a fool, it was an act. He is back to how he was. Sulking, angry, sullen, and with an attitude that he is a long-suffering husband trying his very best with his immature demanding wife. I read on the forum that keeping someone awake is abusive, I hadn’t realised, he does that and expecting sex always and acting like a beaten dog like I’m the most ungrateful wife in the world when I don’t want it. And making out ‘jokingly’ to the kids that I don’t love him, and also (cringe-makingly) making jokes about how he doesn’t get sex. Just an ongoing story about what a long-suffering hard-working, considerate guy he is. Why don’t I speak out to him? Call him on it? I try, then I’m being over-sensitive, it was just a joke, I’m no fun, all in his exasperated tone, like he’s the most understanding guy in the world and I’m a crazy who always thinks the worse of him. Then the hurt, angry sulk from him. (Though he assures me he is never angry with me). Like I’ve been really inappropriate and hurt him.
He calls at least three times a day from work to talk about nothing, it really winds me up, I’m so busy in the day I don’t want to chat about nothing, and it feels like I’m being monitored. He is always ‘fussing’ after me, ‘you should take this route’ when I’m going out somewhere – or ‘don’t forget you are going out to your club tonight’ or ‘are you keeping an eye on those potatoes’ (boiling on the hob), like I’m constantly being micromanaged, its suffocating. I just want to scream at him to get out of my face. But he is a model husband, brings in the wage, doesn’t hit me, makes me a cup of tea in the morning, loads the dishwasher, and fussing over me is because he loves me? Its impossible to get it into an email, I’m trying but its not working. I feel guilty all the time for not being good enough at housework, or cooking, or communicating, or having sex. Its all communicated to me through angry glares and accusations. There are times when he behaves OK obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t still be there, but the angry moods are becoming more the normal state of affairs. I’m afraid to be out with him because I don’t know how he will behave and whether he will shame me in public by glaring at me, ignoring me, or arguing with me. I don’t let him drive me anymore, I do the driving because he has terrified me in the past with his erratic driving when he is angry with me, me being afraid just makes him angrier. I make sure I keep the keys with me. Often when I’ve been out and I come back happy he says to me ‘you are allowed to smile you know – why are you so miserable I thought you’d be happy after going to your club – you often look miserable after you’ve been there’ But I’m not miserable, I was quite happy. Thanks for telling me what a miserable wreck I look – that helps so much – not. Its like he can’t bear to see me happy. He also tells me not to worry I’m putting on weight (I wasn’t worried) because I’m fattening up beautifully as he wobbles my tummy, it makes me so angry, though I refuse to show it. Leaving isn’t a simple option, for various reasons I can’t go into here because likely would identify me. Just need any feedback on whether this classes as abuse so that I can go forward with that information.

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