Summerdays

[Summerdays]

Thank you for your reply, it’s incredibly insightful and I’m really grateful that you took the time to write such helpful information.

I’ve tried to call women’s aid a few times and I never seem to get through.

I feel abit better today, I’m really tired though but I’ve had a busy day with work, and when I came home I started repairing things that had been broken in our house when he’s been here. Theirs still a lot to do, but it was really satisfying. My main thing is I want to make chanhes to the house, it’s in desperate need of decorating anyway, but I’m hoping if I get it the way I want it to be, it won’t be such a painful reminder.

I’ve stopped myself from calling him today which I suppose is abit of progress, I don’t know if it’s because I’m just too tired or if I’ve kept myself busy enough not to focus. My head is telling me the if he cares about me, or anything towards me, he will contact me.

I’m taking abit of comfort in knowing that for certain, I will have a better quality of life than he will moving forward. Im really ambitious and I know I will make a success of my life, but I do miss having some human company. I get a bit panicked during the day when I think I have nobody to talk to.

I’m trying to avoid things that will set me back abit too, I can’t stand listening to music at the minute because they seem to remind me in one way or another.

I’ve also been around the house and put most of his belongings that have been left behind in a black bag, although I’ve not managed to throw them away yet, which I take as a negative sign because I should feel confident about throwing his things away, and by keeping them it means I’m clinging to the fact that he might just come home which I think is a defeating thought process.

I feel like I keep planning the next day on advance because I don’t want to leave any gaps where I have nothing to do, because then I will sit thinking and it will overwhelm me. I actually feel frightened of being alone with nothing to do.

Writing the list is a really good idea and I will definately do that. I need to keep reminding myself of why it is much, MUCH better not to be with this man.

When I look back we probably has 10 good times and 1000 horrific times. Why does the mind cling on to the good times so much when it knows, the hellish days far outweigh them.

I’m also trying to clean everywhere in the house. I picked up a shirt earlier and I could smell him, in a nice way, but I really don’t want to feel those ‘nice’ feelings about him so I feel like I’m going a little bit OCD on the house because I’m scared of having any other reminders.

Mu aim for tomorrow is to hopefully start a list, and process some of the horrific things that have happened between us, and how I felt at those times and how they have affected me as a person. Hopefully that will give my mind a little more reassurance that this is the right thing.

[Author]

Posts