the-raven

[the-raven]

I’ve moved out! I got out whilst my mum and sister were away (detail removed by moderator) and got the more pressing stuff out of the house, PC, some clothes.. I left a very lengthy letter behind explaining what and why I have done it.

My sister text me (detail removed by moderator) and completely understood why i did it, and had even said she’d considered it herself. she had a big talk with mum and they were obviously shocked and upset, but my mum wasn’t mad. in fact i think it’s opened her eyes to her behaviour. She claims she would have been fine with me moving out had i just told her (yeah, right!!! even my sister agreed there would have been no way that’d happen like that) but will support me, and, since it’s of course my house, i can come back anytime I’m in a pinch. I actually did have to go back one night, the road to my flat had closed and other than going extremely far out of my way in the dark on unfamiliar roads, I had no way of getting back, so i turned up at the doorstep of my house, and we had a good long chat about it all,
so it’s ended well. which is relieving as all hell as i was starting to doubt it would settle.
can’t help but feel slightly crazy since she’s now so accomodating and i’ve been in a huge panic this whole time, but i know for a fact it doesn’t belittle the things she’s done to me or my siblings and that my sister has felt the same way. i think me moving out like that has been the catalyst she needed to realise how she’s been behaving, the house is even starting to look a bit better. though i’ll still keep on my toes, realisation doesn’t mean she’ll immediately turn over a new leaf forever. but at least i’m at peace, i can finally live my OWN life and enjoy it!!

[the-raven]

Hang in there too, IWMB. It’s tough to decide where to even go, there’s so much to consider, never mind trying to do it in secret! Handling the benefits office at the same time must be stressful too, I hope everything goes well for you and you get out safely xxx

[the-raven]

I’ve got the keys to a rental. I havent moved in yet. I am beside myself with stress and worry and now feel incredibly guilty that i’m in the wrong and that maybe i’m overreacting. i had an argument (detail removed by moderator) with my family (all of them against me) about a small amount of money i didnt want to pay for (detail removed by moderator) (as i was planning to move out but in secret), tried to argue that i need to save for my future and that could i decline this time (i’ve already paid a fair amount for the phone line this month) but i was told it’s my house i should hold responsibility (it only ever feels like my house when i need to pay for something) then the argument turned to the money i’m owed, things were said by both me and my family that may have seemed in anger but when my own sister said to me “don’t pretend like you care about me”, in reference to not wanting her to pay me back for the car, that upset me, i was really hurt by it, which my mum seemed shocked it offended me so much. (Detail removed by moderator). It’s part of my plan to move on with myself and my life and to not want to wake up everyday being irrationally angry at my mum everytime she speaks and i want that relationship to improve, but i know i cannot talk to her about it as it always always always devolves into a shouting match that i lose and my voice isnt heard or even recognised. She absolutely believes i need to save for another house. Which would be fine if i didnt feel like this the majority of the time i’m living here. I feel horrible though still going through with this as it feels like a major betrayal to my family and i dont hate them, nor want them to hate me. Mum does feel guilty about the money i’m owed which in turn makes me feel guilty for moaning about it to my friends, coworkers and on here (my dad used to isolate mum and turned people against her, that isnt my intention at all but i’m scared she’ll see it that way), and now that my sister has paid me for half of the car i’ve gone and used some of that to directly disobey them. I’ve had what i think is an actual panic attack earlier (i felt a huge knot and my breathing was hard and my mind racing, in fact yesterday i threw up from stress and fear and couldnt breathe well so that might have been one too, im not sure i dont experience this too often). It’s too late to back out now and maybe that’s why i’m panicking cos i have to think now about writing a letter to discuss why i left and who pays the bills, but also that maybe i’ve gone too far, though i know mum has done things that had crossed the line at numerous times and made me feel awful and weak and stupid, otherwise i wouldnt have thought about going through with this in the first place. And yet i cannot shake this feeling of guilt and betrayal despite literally everyone else telling me that it will be good for me to get out and develop as a person and keep my mental wellbeing in check. And that if it turns out i’m the real bad guy, then i guess at least ive removed myself from them so they can live in peace? Argh help 🙁

[the-raven]

This will probably be my first christmas on my own this year. I’m almost certain that me moving out of the family home will “ruin christmas” but I’ve reached breaking point and I don’t want to put up with my mum’s emotional abuse anymore. I’ve never liked christmas as it is, it reminds me of all the nasty arguments my parents had, the stress, the yelling, and the general feeling of anguish and uncertainty that every year brought us as kids. I’m fed up of forcing myself to be happy in an unhappy environment just because of a certain date.
Don’t force yourself to spend time with anyone (particularly those you don’t get on with or are abusive) simply because society expects it, just make yourself happy, that’s my thinking. Sunshine, I’m sure you’ll have a peaceful, happier christmas with your little kitty than you’d ever have with family. We’ll be here for chit chats too!

[the-raven]

Flowerchild, I have thought about putting an ultimatum through before. There’s unfortunately little chance of that working, for a number of reasons; any moment I start putting my foot down over anything, normally to do with trivial matters like doing the dishes or tidying or me wanting to help out with unpacking/sorting/throwing old junk, she accuses me of bullying her, especially if i at all mention that i’m the main breadwinner/bill payer and that surely I have a say in things. And she’s very argumentative and persuasive. Another reason is that my siblings are heavily reliant on her for transport, my sister especially, so she can get to and from work (both my sister and i are learning to drive but we sure are useless at doing it well! I’ve had to postpone my test as my instructor has told me I’m not ready after all 🙁 ). Getting my siblings to agree to her being kicked out would be very difficult as a result. Funnily enough I remember that being my mum’s actual plan for herself at some point, we’d “kick her out” and she’d get herself on the housing list for being “homeless” but for reasons I don’t know, (although she claims she’s told me, I have no recollection, maybe I just forgot but she refuses to re-explain), that plan has been abandoned.

At this point I’d prefer to be on my own, even away from my siblings. I’m at an age now where living with family is tiresome and, honestly, embarrassing. They’re more like room mates than siblings at the moment. If i don’t make any progress with my life now I fear I’ll be living with my mother until I’m middle aged, and yet still be horribly berated by her if she finds out I’ve eaten sweets! I’m not even permitted orange juice in the house! Getting away from the general chaos of the place would be good for me too (currently we’re not to flush any loo roll down the loo, no matter how dirty, and we get yelled at if she finds any in the bowl, and now the place to throw dirty rubbish is on the kitchen floor?!? Why?!? But she’ll have her reasons, and she’ll continue to change those rules and reasons on a whim, and I can’t say jack about it or I’m the bully).

Ultimately I understand that she just wants me to stay here to save money for a house deposit so I don’t have to pay rent for someone else’s mortgage, renting is surely not the best way to go, but I already own a house. It’s this one. But it’s not a home, no house has been. I don’t feel at ease here at all and my close friends and coworkers have been more than supportive of me leaving and having my own space to be happy. They’re even willing to donate furniture and items for when I move.
I’m just frightened of making the actual jump even at the stage where in 2 weeks, I’ll be signing the agreement. I don’t know why I’m so afraid, the backlash maybe? I get caught leaving and there’s a huge bust up? Or the fear that if it went wrong, and after 6 months I’m broke and miserable, I’d be proving her right? I’m being reassured that everything will be fine, I can afford to do this and while the jump will cost at first and I won’t be able to save as much, I can still save some back and live within my means. If I don’t overcome this hurdle, I don’t know what I’ll be able to do for myself later in life.
But this constant flip flop between fear and optimism is excruciating. I had a meltdown in the ladies room of a bar the other night and collapsed to the floor in silent hysterics…

[the-raven]

I feel like this has been the longest week of my life
I’ve filled in application and credit reference forms throughout the last few days. naturally i’ve been extremely nervous as i’ve never done it before but also since i’m doing it directly behind my family’s back i feel like i’m a criminal doing it. i’ve gotten the full support of friends and coworkers reinforcing that what i’m doing is for the best but i can’t help shake this feeling of dishonesty.
mum is also getting round to making our house actually liveable in, as if she subconsiously knows what’s going on and it’s throwing me off a bit mentally.
it’s all moving kinda fast actually. i keep having relapses and getting very upset over it but it’s happening…

[the-raven]

Thank you freedomtochoose. I’m desperate for some space of my own so i can fully develop myself so i can feel like the adult i am , i’m certain it would help my confidence and ability at work, but i can’t help feel incredibly guilty. I wish that i could talk and reason to my mum about why i’m doing this but i know it will devolve in a violently heavy shouting/crying match which she always wins, this happens even when she’s doing something that invades my privacy, like commenting on my spending after looking at my bank statement (i’m sure that’s illegal? she’s only ever done it the once but she keeps all our statements in a folder for safekeeping, and insists there was a valid reason for it and refuses to acknowledge that she breached my trust and privacy, she simply could have asked me about the transaction she was looking for).
maybe deep down i’m afraid of what my family will think of me, even though i try to convince myself i don’t care. i feel like a bad person for talking negatively about my mum to others (my dad was an abusive n and isolated her in the same way by talking bad about her to their friends and neighbours, amongst other typical things they do), and her own upbringing was abusive too, so naturally i feel like i’m simply adding to that, but others have told me that it’s still no excuse for her behaviour and that i shouldn’t feel guilty. can’t help it i guess, she’s me mum… i think she’s just over protective and doesn’t want me to make any mistakes like she did in life, but it’s stifling and controlling.
still, i hope i’m doing the right thing by sneaking around my family’s back like this…

[Author]

Posts