Tiredofbeingscared

[Tiredofbeingscared]

Hi
I am new to this forum and just trying to get to grips with everything that is happening. My sons dad and I got together when I was (age removed by moderator) and he was (age removed by moderator). If I had known then what I know now then I would have seen the signs straight away. He slowly stripped me of any self esteem I had (which was not a lot) and managed to get me in a position where I was too terrified to even tell my friends and family. In the first few years of the relationship I found out he was selling heroin which later turned into an addiction to both crack and heroin. He would take the the little money I earnt every week and dissapear with my bank card for days on end. If he ever returned he would sleep continuously leaving me with with our baby son alone and desperate. I remember I asked him to look after our son and I returned home to find him asleep and my son covered in his own poo where he had just been left in his cot. My ex was extremely psychologically abusive. He made me feel ugly and like no one would want me not even my own family. He even said to me once that if I was ever raped he would not want me anymore. He was violent about 5 times throughout the relationship. Smacking me round the face, threatening with a knife, kicking me on the floor and strangling me. I was terrified. I knew he was into drugs and he knew some scary people which he threatened me with should i ever take his son away. He stole various items from me and sold them for drugs money, not to mention not paying any of the bills and leaving loads of debt under my name. This included forcing me to take out large overdrafts so he could also use that money. He was never there for our son and and I was a young mum so it was all very new to me also. What im about to say next Ive never really talked about but I want to get it out. At the beginning of the relationship he would force me to do a certain sexual act that I really did not want to do. I went along with it because it made him happy but it makes me feel sick and ashamed. In the (detail removed by moderator) year of our relationship I told him to leave because he smacked me so hard i blacked out. He left but again threatened to cut me to pieces. Its now (detail removed by moderator)years on and he has been seeing our son but various things have happened that are not acceptable, for example leaving him outside a betting shop when he was (age removed by moderator) and sleeping all the time when my son visits. I tried to get on with him but i realise now he has never stopped being abusive even if he is off drugs. He has dropped in things like you made me do all that stuff and then apologised, totally messing my head up. He says his reach is long and he can get me if I ever take his son. This Easter he threatened me over the phone saying he was going to cut me. I started shaking in the middle of waitrose and couldn’t stop crying. I had a breakdown a few years ago and have anxiety and bad depression . Its almost like he uses this to his advantage. He tried to get back with me when I was really low. I have now taken out a non molestation order against him. I am truely scared as to what he will do. He has threatened to take my son away and I couldn’t bear the thought as my son is a beautiful sensitive soul. I realise I need to stand up to him for my sake and my sons. It’s hard because my son loves him and only sees him as his daddy. I just want him to go away.

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