Too far

[Too far]

I need to know I’m doing the right thing? I need to know if it’s abuse?
Hubby works away from home so I am main carer for our kids.
He likes to be in control and although to everyone looking in I’m a very lucky woman, we holiday twice a year and drive a nice car.
He expects not a thing out of place when he’s home which has resulted in me not being able to sleep and my fingernails are chewed to bits with stressing over this. This is just the little daily niggles that have worn me down but the big flags are the control over who I see when he’s away. He doesn’t like my family and if I see any of them more than twice in the same week he gets moody. I have taken 2yrs out of work to have our second child (his decision although he said if I wanted to go back sooner I could!) after a year I was desperate to go back but he said no as it doesn’t earn enough! So I looked at other jobs that would fit around the kids, found one and applied and looked into a day nursery for little one, I told him about it and he wasn’t happy, I said I could put him into nursery 4 days while I was at work then he could have him when he’s home to which he said ‘nah I’m not looking after him just because you want to go to work!’ I felt so alone as it’s expensive and to pay for his childcare even when my husband is sat at home doing nothing would mean I literally earned nothing. So now with his approval I’m at college one day a week and on placement one day too but now he’s dropped a few hints at the fact that he’s supporting me to do this so I’ve been looking for jobs that will fit in college and placement, I can always go back to one of my old job but it means working until 9/10pm at night or in my other old job which doesn’t pay well. Neither of these options he allowed and was upset I had even mentioned them! As it is he gives me a small allowance for food but it never stretches to the end of the month and I’m too scared to ask for more. This Time home he has decided to go on holiday on his own, when asked why he was going away when he misses the kids so much when he’s working away he said “well what have I got to come home to?!” It hurt me so much and it’s kinda been the last straw. I’ve looked at rentals and had a look to see if I’m entitled to any benefits to see me through til I get a job, my parents are aware of it and have offered me the deposit and first months rent to start me off as they desperately want me and the kids out.we argued when he came home from work before he went on holiday and I told him I wanted a divorce, he went nuts and I slept in spare bed, next day I began to pack my bag and he pretended it hadn’t happened and said come on let’s take the kids out and get them some new clothes and not wanting to show the kids there was a problem I agreed and went and we’ve continued like nothing happened. We haven’t kissed or been affectionate but stayed civil and not said a thing about the argument. Looking back he likes to be in control at all times. 3 years ago I fell pregnant it was unplanned and he hated the fact that it was out of his control, he pressured me to get rid of it but I stood my ground, every day was a fight about it, he even told our son to jump on my stomach while I was resting, needless to say I miscarried shortly after. I was in a dark place after that and I think at that point I gave up and just did what he said and pretended everything was fine but now I don’t want to pretend anymore, it’s not fine and I’m beginning To think his behaviour isn’t that of a good man/husband/father no matter how nice he’s been the last few days since our argument. Am I looking into things too much? Is this abuse? Why do I feel like this? Can anyone please help?

[Too far]

There were a few but the first was meeting his family when I quickly realised they we’re all obsessed with cleaning, the kitchen was empty completely (even the kettle was put away once it wasn’t in use!)
His brother could only use a towel once then boil washed it incase it had skin particles on it! I soon found that my husband was just as bad and (detail removed by moderator) years on his expectations of a clean home are totally unrealistic especially with small children, I’m now constantly reminded of my failures as a homemaker and wife which after (detail removed by moderator) years has effected my confidence obviously and Made me a nervous person

[Too far]

I am currently on my way out (if that makes sense) he has never hit me but I have been subject to years of emotional abuse.
My husband works away and I am at a point where my nerves can’t take much more when he’s due home and when he is.
He’s due to go on holiday (on his own) when I asked why he was doing that he said ‘well what have I got to come home to?’ It killed me, we have 2 small children and yes life can be hectic and sometimes a bit kinda ‘groundhog’ but to not want to see them when your away for so long is a mystery and I can’t understand it. That was the last straw really, luckily I have a supportive family that have seen it for a while, my plan is to leave while he is on his holiday. This won’t come as such a big shock to him as I have asked him for a divorce just a few days ago which ended in us arguing (more or less him shouting) then to him completely pretending nothing happened the next day and playing happy families again in front of the kids. He never speaks of it and does this a lot, but about a year ago I started writing a journal of the things he has said and done so when I doubt myself I read my journal which keeps me focused on being a survivor for the sake of my kids as his behaviour towards us is something I don’t want our children to think is normal.

[Too far]

Can i ask, if you have children…..how have they dealt with this?
I’m worried about the split and the effects it will have on them. My husband controls all the finances and I’m given a small allowance after leaving work to have a family.
The gifts for the kids are all bought by him, the holidays booked by him etc so the kids are excited when dad is home. Heartbreaking really as it’s me that reads to them every night and plays with them.
The house we will rent will be a lot smaller than the marital home and wonder how the children will react

[Too far]

Thank you for your reply I just needed to hear it from someone else as I was beginning to second doubt it. I’ve been in touch with a helpline today and got an appointment for next week to see a support worker who will hopefully point me in the right direction. I’m scared, unsure and nervous but amongst all these emotions I’m relieved.
I hope you see your exit plan through.

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