Toomuchfaith

[Toomuchfaith]

Hiya. I’m new too.
So I am going through a similar thing. I recently posted my experiences, and I briefly touch on that when it’s good, it’s really good and I absolutely love our relationship when it’s that way.

Unfortunately, things will be tough, predominantly when I raise issues with the way he’s treating me (accusations, belittling, undermining) and then I’ll always have to give in to him (mainly involving sex). Once I do, he’s lovely, charming, kind, generous and caring.

I also question my view of events. I always then think “maybe this time he genuinely means the change”

This is the vicious cycle. Please, I know I am speaking from a situation I haven’t escaped yet but, you mustn’t doubt yourself.

Unfortunately, they’ve spent so long chipping away at you, you don’t have much self worth. So it’s not hard for them to make you second guess your thoughts. Trust your instincts. These people do not change without professional aid. I’ve been begging my partner to go for years to speak to someone (I think his parents divorcing when he was a child, and his father subsequently insulting his mother repeatedly to him is what has contributed to his disrespect for women) but he won’t listen, but he also never changes.

He was nice to me in (detail removed by moderator). For a whole month, it’s the longest I’ve gone without serious accusations or abuse. But it’s been torture since. Apparently I’m sleeping with the neighbour at the moment (I don’t know what the neighbour he’s referring to even looks like)

You are not being too sensitive. I was told for years that I was being too sensitive. Define, too sensitive? Sensitive to what? Our feelings? What hurts us as individuals? I mean, we develop some form of resilience to a lot of things, but what hurts one, doesn’t hurt another. So what’s hurt you, may not hurt him, but he should respect that and address it, not dismiss it.

I read something recently that really put my thoughts into perspective.
We are too used to being given ‘crumbs’ of what we deserve. Because we are given so little of what we want (affection, love, respect) we are often left starving. In that time of starvation, we are disrespected and abused, and then they feed us with a little crumb of what we want again. Because we are so so starving, we accept it.

Stop accepting crumbs. You deserve more.

What he is doing is just part of his cycle, another card to play. My colleague split from her husband. In the weeks leading up to her move out, he was everything you describe (which like you, she never really witnessed in the ten year marriage). Then she moved out and it all changed. He is awkward, unhelpful with childcare, resentful, jealous, vindictive, you name it.

Start believing your gut, what is it telling you?

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