twilightsparkle

[twilightsparkle]

You are all very kind. I really appreciate it.

My parents used to say they didn’t have money for anything, however I always felt very lonely and unloved when growing up. I have a daughter and I think, ‘well, kisses and cuddles are free, making me to feel loved and wanted, it’s free too, encouragement and validation, is also free’. I mentioned something to my dad and he said I’m just trying to hurt him and being cruel to him. My dad says the past is the past and I should stop blaming other people. He also said I just have stupid things, I’m just trying to make his life difficult.

Thank you Lisa for the recommendation. I got a counsellor but as I am facing things, things are hard in between sessions. I just want to cry and hide most of the time (I try not to). I will look out for the other resources.

I always blame myself for not knowing better. When I start feeling angry towards them, somehow I always managed to blame myself for not noticing sooner or knowing better. I get very depressed then, because I have suffered abused for years by different people. I’m glad is all over now, but I’m so mentally and physically disabled because of it.

Thank you for all your kind words.

[twilightsparkle]

Remember, he is the one who should be grateful for you allowing him to be in your life and your kids’ life. He deserves nothing. You don’t owe him anything. This is your life and nobody should dictate how you should live it. It’s always up to you and nobody else. My therapist says: What do you really want? Don’t think of anything body else when you answer that question, it’s just you in your head, you are very brave for asking yourself that.

You are in control. You are free to do as you please. If you feel down, give your kids big kisses and cuddles, tell them you love them unconditionally. That always helps me to cheer up when things get really hard.

You are doing very well, be proud of yourself and your family. Take the little victories too, not matter how small, tell yourself you are amazing (it always makes me smile!). You deserve to be respected and loved, you deserve kindness and tenderness in your life, whoever doesn’t like it can go away.

[twilightsparkle]

You can always tell him to send the messages directly to the kids, instead of you.

[twilightsparkle]

Setting boundaries with an abuser is very hard. For many years he have been successfully convince you that you are the problem and everything is your fault. Well, it’s not true. I don’t have experience in co-parent with a emotional abuser, however my dad has been the abuser and he has always been all over my business all the time with a lot of criticism, I have always done what he wants and how he wanted.

He has been nasty when I started setting boundaries. First, you need to have clear in your head what you want, you are already very brave for telling him what’s not acceptable. You need to prioritise and don’t let him to intrude in your life. If he wants to talk about the kids, great! in the moment that is finished, then finish the conversation or walk away. It is going to be hard, he will be charming, don’t fall for it, they all do it to gain your trust and then they start again, he is not going to change.

Write your rules down in paper or text and send it to him. In the moment he crosses the line, let him know and walk away. He can talk to you when his attitude has changed and you are ready to talk to him, you are in control, when you are ready. You tell him, you don’t want to pay attention while he is not respectful and nice. Keep your guard up, don’t tolerate anything, if you give in a tiny bit, he will take that as a sign of weakness and push for more.

Remember, your rules, your kids, your house, you are in control, when you are ready (not on his terms). It is worthy!! You are stronger than you think you are, he is in the wrong, he is the selfish and don’t fall for the charms.

I hope this helps. You can do it!! You are strong and brave already.

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