Working Hands

[Working Hands]

Thank you both so much for your kind words. It’s been a really difficult week in my head and I’m trying to listen to the warning signs about my own mental health and my needs so that I can communicate them confidently, without worrying so much about how they will be received. It helps so much hearing that it’s normal, because I feel so ashamed and it’s all now coming from things that are deeply ingrained in my head. The worst is the bit of my brain that says “you can’t expect someone else to accept this, you are making excuses for yourself” and the good old “maybe you’re being abusive and manipulative and unreasonable”.

I have had some therapy, and I’m on a break waiting for more, but still doing my work independently. The break has actually been as helpful as the therapy: it’s given things time to settle so that I’ve even felt able to consider a romantic partnership again. Maybe I need to remember that’s massive progress in itself: feeling, even to some extent, that I own myself again.

I’m going to do some of the things you two have suggested. Thank you again! Sometimes just seeing how kind people are is a helpful reminder not to expect the same abuse from everyone!

[Working Hands]

I had similar experiences before leaving my abuser: if he thought I was pulling away, he would try to show me what I would be missing, tell me how when my parents got older, we could care for them together, how he’d build a better life for us, suddenly being more considerate and less pushy in bed, etc. But this alternated with blaming me for not being there for him when things were tough (not true!), as if I was responsible for him being unable to face his long-standing financial and interpersonal issues. He would tell me my anxiety (mostly triggered by his behaviour) was hard to live with and his outbursts and drug use were a natural, healthy way of dealing with things and it was unfair for me to question them.

The behaviours might not seem like an exact parallel, but it’s the same thing really: “look how perfect I can be, it must be your fault when I’m not”.

It sounds like he’s unwilling to take responsibility for or change his own actions. If he can blame you, then he won’t have to accept responsibility. This is not your fault.

[Author]

Posts