I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I have recently come to accept the fact that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship and I’m planning a way out. I understand the confusion and the flip flop of emotions. I recommend reading up on “Trauma Bonding”. It helps explain why a lot of us have a hard time leaving. I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out why I can’t just get up and walk out. In a nutshell, the brain gets addicted to the good moments. When you are treated poorly for most of the time, then you finally get a smile or a compliment, it floods the brain with feel good chemicals (I’ve forgotten the actual name…dopamine maybe). We become addicted to this and act and think irrationally in order to avoid loosing it. Granted this is very basic and there are lots of other things at play at the same time but, learning this has significantly alleviated a lot of the guilt and shame I’ve felt about letting it go on for so long. My own brain is working against me!! Regardless what our brain chemicals are doing, the fact remains that we are being treated badly and it won’t change until we get out. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. There has been layer after layer of realisations and they didn’t happen over night. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Don’t give up on yourself, ever.
