Chocolatebunnie

[Chocolatebunnie]

Im just so confused, surely its obvious that kindness is needed, he has said i am being nasty to him, I am not at all I am just quiet and sad and extremely tired physically and emotionally.  He is misreading this as a mood towards him its not surely anyone else would step outside of their own self and see someone in pain and needing to be looked after.

He knows when my monthly cycle is and he always puts everything down to that.  This is irrelevant in the situation as it is because anyone going through what is happening would be emotional.  Even so, monthly hormones could make me more sad, if thats even possible, but I was not angry at him until he showed me nothing, no reaction.  he has asked how things are, but it feels its empty words.  Theres no reacton, he is just going through the motions.  I really wonder if he has learnt to do this just to keep me happy, like breadcrumbs hes at least done something, but not much.

He tracks my months cycle, in his head, and he blames every disagreement, argument on that, its never him its me being crazy.  He stops being affectionate, I believe its because he knows theres no sex, as soon as its over hes all over me.  I need affection during monthly too dont we all?  he blames me for my mood that he daren’t come near me.  I have asked others noboyd notices this mood of mine, maybe slightly but not to the extent he says it accounts to.  So thats his excuse to not give me affection I am not a nice person I guess.

[Chocolatebunnie]

thank you Marmalade, I’ve tried this evening to discuss with husband. He has said I’m in menopause hormonal etc etc and I’m pushing him away he cannot recognise or refuses to see my mood is not at him that it is sadness exhaustion and many more emotions.  I need him to just hug me and spend time with me but he can’t.

He shouted blamed me and said he cannot cuddle, or give me what I need he does not know how. But he can he has he’s choosing not too it’s cruel.

All witnessed by my eldest child, all being helpful. Husband has been tidying but he only does what he thinks needs doing it not supporting me. And my eldest child said if he was consistent with physical help things would be better generally. But it’s the emotional support he’s refusing me, the affection. As I say he can do it. But being shouted at and told off for shouting at him, being told I’m unreasonable and irrational is unfair, I’m grieving I need comfort and peace and kindness but instead he’s making out im crazy

evrn if I was hormonal then surely more help and understanding. I know he’s a man but we aren’t kids and he understands things but I believe he chooses this

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hey there Arky123

firstly here’s a big hug to you, and guess what I know where you’re at 🥰

I can’t talk to people about my situation either which is why this forum with so many kind lovely people is so important and you are part of that. We are all here for you and you are not alone.

secondly I highly suggest a phone call to Samaritans they helped me, just letting it out telling someone really lightens the loads, no judgement just a kind person to talk to.

thirdly, try to reach out to your local women’s aid again, no pressure it’s someone to support you, can offer help if you want but there’s no pressure just someone kind to listen

Please try your GP for support too, you ate important and you matter,  I felt I couldn’t do it, I was so frightened to seek help. I just asked for counselling I didn’t say why but you can self refer online too.

I have had help, counselling through GP and support from local WA who I’ve been back and fourth with over the last few years just talking it through and I went on a course too.

I’m still in my marriage, like you from a young age. It’s all I know. But with help I manage better, except less of his bad behaviour and he has now not been as bad thankfully.

Each situation is different, you will find your way through this wether it’s you leave, you stay and support is there whatever you decide.

you are not alone 🥰

Here for you CB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you for your replies, I have not had much time to pop on here so I’m replying quickly while I can, but reading these has been very helpful, so good to have others who just know even if our situation isn’t the same it’s still familiar somehow.

 

i think I’ve seen the real him again. He’s gotten worse, it’s not terrible but i can see I’m his emotional punchbag, he’s stressed as the holidays are ending and it’s back to our normal routine of school/work.  It’s been constant digs, saying I’m not coping, or scatty, making it a joke when I pull him up about it or he’s denying he’s  saying things, or I’m being silly or turning it back on me even saying I have got it wrong, it’s harder to believe in myself after everything has been ok for sometime now.  I’ve really been feeling it’s all me. Kids even say it’s both of us but I feel they see me reacting but missed the reason why I’m upset because they weren’t there at the time or it’s subtle it can be seen as teasing me/jokes.

Thanks again CB X

 

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hello nbumblebee

so sorry to hear this.

For me it’s unacceptable and is similar to something I experienced with my husband and it hurt, I was angry and it had been a secret he kept from me until an anniversary dinner some years later. It was during a stag night for someone close to me.

husband says he didn’t get a private dance but they paid for groom to be.

I was disgusted he’d even gone to a lap dance club and trust was broken as he could’ve told me, made it a joke I may have been ok with it but it feels like cheating when your husband goes to these kinda places and then even more it’s a secret.

he made me feel like I was in the wrong. I don’t understand how married men can’t see this as cheating. If I deliberately went to see another man naked regardless of the setting my husband wouldn’t be happy. I don’t trust the intentions of the women working in these places and worried that there was even more involved than a dance. Yes it made me feel insecure.

i have said to myself it’s unacceptable for me , it hurt me and he went again years later I knew he would go as it’s was a stag night. I won’t tolerate it ever again.

i know some women and men think it’s ok. But I think it’s more society allows men these things that a women should except it’s what a man does.

notball men like these kind of women, some men, abusive men are happy with the way women are portrayed in these settings.

i hope you’re ok and I suggest you talk to your husband.  Set a boundary if he doesn’t agree then you have to think is this acceptable for he?

best wishes snd hugs CB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

I have a choice I can just let it go and everything will be ok

or

i can carry on being hurt and angry that he doesn’t respect me, thinks it’s ok to act as he has

but

either way I loose, still incredibly upset, I want him to understand and I bet if we talk properly he will say he does, say what he should tick the boxes and then something else will happen

 

[Chocolatebunnie]

Still hurting very much

just asked him where he was all night and it wasn’t who I thought he was with

I’m hurt he didn’t have the decency to tell me where he was amongst everything else.  I only found out because I asked.

still for him it’s no big deal he doesn’t care he’s hurt me, I’m only just feeling how much he has hurt me now.

i think his laid back reaction has added to the upset

[Chocolatebunnie]

Honestly I thought life was better, feeling like I just want to give up. I won’t that’s not happening but feel very very low.

Nobody to talk to and just had my eldest tell me how crap I am and how untidy the house is (yep school holidays/physical and mental health/caring for them/4 kids 2 with additional needs) it is bad.

My child is using swear words I said not to use and they explained that they can express themselves however they want to.  To then tell me I don’t get along with my other child, infact anyone at all after everything this weekend I just can’t understand why I deserve this too.  All I ever wanted was a happy family, I have so much love in my heart, just why? 💔💔💔💔

[Chocolatebunnie]

Yes totally confusing and seems to be the norm with these men.

Telling you that you treat him badly gives him an excuse to do it back in his eyes, that its an eye for an eye kind of thing, plus it makes you try harder to be nicer to him as you would never want to be considered a nasty person, so this works perfectrly for him.

I have had the best months recently, and can describe the recent months for me as being on a absolute high, the perfect ‘in love’ feeling and then boom! he;s back and is very short lived these days but it hurts more as things are so good and then when hes so very nasty its a real shock.

I think in my situation I was ending our marriage on and off as I kept building myself up to get him out of my life and then the trauma bond hit me and we got back together, this hasmt happened for a while now.

He now knows he needs to be nicer to keep things together, but as Bananaboat says he cannot maintain it.

Yes its a absolute headf@£k

I was contemplating preparing to split this weekend as things have been so awful and as he stayed out all night drinking, only let me know as I had found out he wasn.t coming home from the kids and text him first.  Not how you treat someone youve been with for over 20 years plus he’s drimking heavy again and is using weed heavily (reason for the argument)

I hope your break away goes smoothly and you enjoy yourself xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Being punished as he’s (detail removed by Moderator), didn’t tell me passed a message through (detail removed by Moderator) as apparently I’m mad, angry or crazy.

why do upi put up with it

[Chocolatebunnie]

He’s so angry at me and thinks I’m unreasonable it’s a horrible atmosphere can’t bear it, I’m shaken up

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hugs to you lovely lady I hope you’re ok xxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

I have asked for financial help for kids for a few essential things and was asked what he will get in return? Do all men do this?

Am I over sensitive in feeling fed up with this attitude , it’s a joke right or wrong?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Don’t understand why this is happening

He is saying I’m not nice to him

I’m upset with my own problems and to be honest he’s upset me.

He is now being awkward about money again and is generally being not nice because I think I’m fed up with how he spoke to me, especially when I’m upset and feeling low.

Is it that he’s hitting back at me because I’m not just letting it go that he’s been horrible. A few incidents where he’s been not nice, I keep feeling like I’m overreacting and couples fight but then I think again as surely he should say sorry, he should realise I’m hurting from the problem I’m facing?

I deserve some kindness, the only affection is sex the occasional cuddle but there’s nothing else. Am I wanting a fairytale marriage?

[Chocolatebunnie]

He doesn’t have to do much these days I just go along with it. But I’ve been called frigid, had him stop making advances, got angry with me for not giving him foreplay and expecting me to just be ready.

These days it’s nicer the approach but it’s a joke to him. If I say no he jokes I will give in, I can’t think straight anymore.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you both so much your replies have meant the world to me and I’m honestly really struggling again today.

You both are great with your advice and I have had the same thoughts.

My husband appears to not like one child, doesn’t understand or sympathise. His manner is not good with dealing with the problems the kids have faced anyway, both with addition needs they have. I am scared that these needs are the result of the emotional neglect they feel from their Dad. But I’m also to blame too and that’s hard to accept.

I’m still foggy can’t work out anything and feel as though I’m in the depth of it all and no way of coming up for air just to think.

Both kids want to move out, husband more than happy.

I don’t want them to leave but would they be happier? probably. But with mental health challenges and ASD I’m worried they’re not ready. I’m not ready. I don’t want them to leave because of him, but I seem to be the problem too and I don’t how it’s got to be this way.

I have wondered if it’s divide and concur to and this isn’t the first time as my eldest left as his step dad/my husband didn’t get along. He was pushed out and I let it happen not know then what I know now.

He’s so nice I have forgotten how he can be and possibly I don’t notice it when he’s not great with the kids. I also feel sometimes they need to be told, they claim abuse when told off.

Husband is a knight in shining armour.

I admit I get triggered easily by the way I’m spoken to. I’m defensive and get upset about it and I wish I wasn’t this way it’s with everyone not just those I’m close to. I’ve lived abuse from my childhood and onwards so I know why but don’t know how to fix this.

I really don’t know how to deal with annyt and agree it could be a cry for help. It’s do confusing

A few years ago I separated from my husband. When husband left the older children acted this way towards me.

Husband then came home, reasons were because I had partially separated for the kids but felt it had made no difference and he won me back as I was dealing with the trauma bond plus the reaction from the older children and a different reaction from the younger ones who obviously missed their dad.

When he returned the older ones were resentful towards me for allowing him to but he did it in a way that I had no choice, saying he had been kicked out by his mum for seeing me again.

Such a head spin alongside everyday things and my mum with serious illness.

The older ones are late teens and early twenties so are adults.

I’m heartbroken 💔

[Chocolatebunnie]

Sorry to keep on

It has been a difficult day again.

Feel like I’m oblivious to the commotion finding it hard to know what to think. Keep trying to decide if their dad is just keeping rules and not letting our child take over, as very pushy as I’ve said but the way he handles things is not how I would

Our child is angry and says they will not be passive like me.

Their dad is saying that child s aggressive and is reactive or even angry with being confronted by the problem child has.

Feel in the middle of it all and responsible for everything and everyone just don’t know to react.

My child wants me to kick dad out or stand up to him, I’m scared f the consequences seeing as things have been calm. I know he will give me silent treatment and the atmosphere

It’s history repeating itself and I’m such a fool

[Chocolatebunnie]

@nbumblebee please don’t stop fighting for your rights to a peaceful life you’ve come so very far. He’s temporarily got to you but you will find yourself back on your feet and in no time stronger than you realise just now.

You’re a survivor and you’re amazing I know as we have been going through this together at a similar pace wth similar situation and marriages.

We are all here for you.

You are welcome to message me if it helps as as you sound very upset.

It’s natural how you are feeling but you do have the control n your hands, he’s showing himself again and you can seek support wherever you feel most comfortable.

You have us here, women’s aid, your counsellor and m sure if you think about it there are other people who are willing to help you with this.

Big hugs to you nbumblebee xxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you Lisa, I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone. My experience in doing so leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable and I find the hurt overwhelming or unbearable to cope with. I have tried.

 

mostly I find I feel I am making a fuss, not believed or that it’s too much for others to handle or simply just not interested.

will look at bloom,

 

CB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

hi Betterdays, thank you ☺️ I needed your feedback really supportive and gets things in perspective.

I’ve not needed to come on here much certainly not posted recently. Things are calmer but that’s not to say I’ve forgotten how it can be.

It doesn’t sound like much but it is, to another person I’m probably overreacting, or maybe another person would just not put up with him anyway.

i am on eggshells I have to pluck up the courage to say things (I’m often in the wrong if there’s a argument) other times I remember all I have learnt and feel I push the boundaries to see if he will react (he often doesn’t, he’s the victim as I  am being assertive and I feel I am the abuser) I wonder if he’s mindful how he reacts too

 

he says sorry now after decades together but it’s not often.

 

he doesn’t seem to see things like for example if there was an accident in a car he could be more concerned about the car than he would be about the person, he disbelieves people’s pain except his mothers.

 

cb x

 

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you, you are always there and yes I agree same path that we walk together always, I hope you’re doing ok, I do read your posts sometimes but often don’t have the opportunity to reply on here, as I say I’ve not felt I belong (I do more so right now) plus I have tried to not think of my relationship as abuse while things have been better in case it has been all in my head and it’s just normal relationship issues, that maybe I overreacted to it all.

Seems things are better for you too, which is great. But yes I feel it too the eggshells just in case it starts again or you trigger something that brings it all back again.

take care nbumblebee and thank you x

[Chocolatebunnie]

You do just push it down all your emotions just to keep the peace,

on a healthy relationship I would be heard, he would be sorry and he wouldn’t do it again. To be honest a healthy relationship this behaviour would not exist.

im having counselling, I paused it but went back today and im glad I did. I’ve enough going on relationship aside and at the very least it’s nice to be heard.

i have talked openly about my marriage but there is no judgement from her and im shocked that she excepts that I’ve chosen to stay with my husband but im guessing she’s being professional.

so when you say it’s ok to be upset, that’s a hard one to except when you’ve been where we have. Therapy is harder for me now more than ever I think because so much is pushed down and excepting help from someone is hard. So is trusting someone.

I was really low but much more grounded now, as always thank you for your support xx

 

 

 

 

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thanks lovely, yeah defintely very similar, through and through.

He was back this morning, as if it was all very normal, he was very matter of fact nothing much to be said, I was livid and said my piece.  He acts like Im a mad women overreating, shushing me incase the neighbours hear as he is implying Im acting crazy and they will hear.

He thinks its all ok now, uses the kids to get us to spend a day together and this mellows things againm, but as you know its never forgotten it is just another thing to add to the list of thiings that are done and are hurtful.

But yes, its almost calm again xx

 

[Chocolatebunnie]

Yep similar situation here especially when he try’s to stop smoking it’s awful.

 

 

[Chocolatebunnie]

I knew you’ve been through similar issues with your ex.  Thanks for sharing your experience, and no I’m not backing down I am right it’s illegal and kids are my priority.

 

besides this he’s a conspiracy theorist, police hater, loves (detail removed by Moderator) and thinks so many strange things. Paranoid of everyone, he hates everyone and hates rules of any sort, and cannot take criticism or be asked to do anything that compromises his authority.

I told him not to speak about my friend as he was looking at social media and her pictures were there he was saying how (detail removed by Moderator) she was (she’s not, just (detail removed by Moderator)) is this part of him turning me against her? Trying to get me to bitch about her?

sorry I’m letting this out and ranting I know.

 

such a shame as things were so much better now this

 

 

 

 

[Chocolatebunnie]

Secret6 I’m really sorry to hear this and sending you a hug.

If you’re able to speak with local services I would, no pressure they just chat and if you need anything more they’re there to help.

It just helps to get it out and talk sometimes.

Take care x

[Chocolatebunnie]

@nbumblebee bless you thats really hard how things have been for you, sounds like youve been parenting alone. Its so horrid to watch it happening but you know, its his loss. The relationships breakdown or don’t even form, but your kids love you and you are their safe space that they will sit with you and come to you when your husband is in a mood.

I found my elder kids just go to their rooms when dad is home, its sad as he does try at times, but the kids dont ever forget his bad behaviour, they dislike him for what he stands for and clam up when they do have to be around him, not always their are good times too (I often think yay things are getting better) but you cant undo whats been done.

Just things are a little more settled I do think my kids are angry at me, but they hopefully will understand more in time. I really cling on to the happier times as the bad days are so traumatic for me.

But yes you are correct, I didnt know my marriage was abusive, I just thought it was difficult, and that you have to work at things, because he doesnt hit me I didnt think it was abuse, and everyone told me he was great just keep going its just a bad patch etc.

Its only since I started readiing posts and posting on here, and one of my older kids pointed out the gaslighting (had never heard of it) that I started to learn. Even when you do learn, you to accept and believe it too, its not easy, its headspinning, confusing and you know as i do too, that you can only do your best.

CB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

@Marmalade thanks for you supportive words, it has been very difficult a little calmer last few days thankfully.

They are definately ready to move on but would need support so it would be a lot to organise.

Hopefully will be able to have a conversation later now things have settled a bit.

I just get so triggered and they are so aggressive, guessing its frustration on their part.

[Chocolatebunnie]

@nbumblebee I have replied to you on another post and again sending hugs thank you for your reply xxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

@nbumblebee glad im not on my own with this one and yeah CBT is too painful, it was a horrible experience and the upset caused a panic attack which I dont think the counsellor recognised as being one, literally shut down couldnt think or speak and then burst into tears. She still tried to push me to do the activity I didnt want to do, I get that this might be to make a break through the anxiety i have but honestly still in shock at how she handled it.

Sound like your counsellor is much more educated, glad they work at your pace, just how it should be x

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