Chocolatebunnie

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thanks Lisa

Has been very difficult I appreciate your support as I’m stuck at home with him at the moment feeling very isolated.

Yes makes sense about being centre of attention, you are right I have posted he’s always worse off if I’m unwell and does not accept any of my medical conditions as real.

I think it’s easier to dumb his behaviour down as I’ve too much else to cope with just now.

Have a call from my support worker tomorrow as she is aware of my situation and has insisted in checking in which I’m appreciating now.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Why do we dumb it down

Already despite feeling and knowing the facts I’m telling myself maybe I’m stressing out because I’m tired maybe he is too?

[Chocolatebunnie]

He’s had his blow up now and he’s trying to be nice. Making jokes, teasing me as it usually works as I end up laughing. But I guess he knows what he’s done, what he’s doing.

short version …. He blew up got angry at said child, me and wouldn’t listen. He kept talking over everyone and said we were doing this to him, talking over him. Our child asked him why he has to be so aggressive? he reacted like this as we were about to do something very stressful treatment wise. He’s had no part of the caring f ok r our child. I’m not a nurse, km squeamish and find it very stressful and it’s scary not knowing if I’m doing things correctly for our child’s recovery.

this was all over sorting (detail removed by Moderator). I knew it was coming. He hates us relying on him. I need him to drive as I can’t do the journey myself, I need him to help. He hates being asked, always seems to feel like he thinks he’s being used or taken for granted, honestly it’s h it s child too?!

He’s got upset at having to cook insisted he had done it all, I’ve set him straight as I actually had cooked and helped he has only bed left to it once.

Feels like he is a complete child. He’s not a partner. When he does help it’s his terms, he chooses what he does and he takes control telling me what I need to do. I’m more than capable and told him this, how does he think he is, it’s me doing it all organising it all. I’m very cross.

At this stressful time we should be calm and supportive but I was prepared for the inevitable I understand the cycle

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi wildgeese

Yes I relate to this very much

It’s partly why I haven’t been able to make a break as I’m very anxious or frightened too.

My physical and mental health are not great so this worries me as I know I could claim benefits on my own. However I know claiming benefits can be difficult too and then I consider working.

I’m not sure I could commit to a job due to my health.

I wonder if you are still traumatised from your experience and if the GP can support you with some counselling? If not abuse/trauma focused perhaps some therapy to help you rebuild your confidence and self esteem so you can make decisions more easily and be confident in doing so?

It’s a whole new beginning and that’s a great thing and so much hope for a brighter future. But I also get it’s hard to know how to reach that goal. Have you a support worker from women’s aid who can advise you about benefits or benefits whilst working too? They may liaise with the job centre who may provide some support to get you back into work, even a training course in something you might be interested in pursuing?

Wishing you strength and the best of luck I’m sure you will find the answers xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you NB, I truly hope you find your way with this.

And yes I should take my own advice, so difficult to break the cycle, as you know on,y too well x

[Chocolatebunnie]

@Darknessallaround

This is really helpful but I’m so sorry to hear how hard this is for you, it’s so very hard to break free xx

I do feel the same, older you get health problems and then trying to leave is so much harder. The trauma bond is one powerful force.

Your therapist sounds very supportive and understanding so I hope that gives you some strength, comfort and a safe space to release some of the trauma you have experienced.

Do post don’t feel you shouldn’t every situation is different and we all have to do what works for us, your reply has been very much appreciated.

Take care CB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

Also can you move on from this and actually forgive and for get will he let you by really making a change?

Do you trust him?

If it hurts to much to do this and you have no faith or trust in his new self then keep moving forwards as you have anyway, don’t stop you’ve come a long way NB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

So look at it like this maybe?

So this is the ‘new him’

1. Does it make you feel better?
2. Does it take away the pain
3. Do you trust him completely that this is the new him?
4. Are you truly happy?
5. Could you be happier
6. Is he actively trying to remain his new self, no moods, no making you feel bad in any way
7.is it good enough?
8. Could you be happier, do you imagine you could be?

I’m guessing eggshells are still what you’re experiencing and he is cleverly changing tactics. He’s not changed if he’s still silent and other things you mentioned he is just maintaining a little control in his behaviour.

He admits he has problems but he thinks they’ve magically disappeared, for a abusive man to change it take a lot of work if it is ever possible he would need therapy and the correct therapy but he has not sought this for himself.

Here for you keep posting

Hugs

CB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

Nice to hear from you TS

Absolutely agree with what you say, he has blown my trust in many ways.

He says it’s for pain relief, initially I believed him and thought nothing of it but the fact he’s gone on and on, makes me wonder. The fact he’s not fussy either where he goes is a red flag to me, he’s playing dumb thinking I don’t suspect him possibly.

It could be innocent and me being paranoid however he said I bet they’ll be pretty or some kind of comment I’ve chosen not to remember. I did call his bluff by insinuating two can play that game, that there are equally attractive males who provide therapy, but he’s still looking to go get one.

[Chocolatebunnie]

You too keep reaching out you will find your way xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s a difficult choice to make and I’m really happy that you’ve got support.

It makes a massive difference to just be able to speak with someone who understands and doesn’t put pressure on you but is still there with you. Talking will really help you

Take care x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Wildgeese, youre amanzing I wish I had the strength x

Trauma bond is the problem, how you did it through a solicitor is possibly the way I would need to move forward, each time I have separated he has won me back, by either being horrible (sounds strange) and then changing tactics, kept showing up and never really left the family home, so had no chance to move on.

I hope you keep moving forward, sounds like things are working out well for you and its really lovely to hear this, gives me some hope xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi wonderingifitsme, try speaking with womensaid there really is no pressure, support from someone who will understand and may just give you the strength to make a change, no matter how big or small.

Ive done this many times, even tried seperating and they still have been so supportive x

[Chocolatebunnie]

exactly as you say, plus i think the longer they get away with it the worse it gets, they know we put up with their behaviour x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Im the same, clinging onto good times which he now makes more effort but the bad times are so much harder to take as a result, real highs and lows. It is devastating, espefcially when youre left feeling so distraught and hurt and they get on with whatever they want to like nothing ever happended. it makes me feel horrible that i hold onto the hurt and upset like im the problem, but i have to remind myself i wouldnt be hurt and upset if he was nice in the first place, he like to make me feel guilty for still being uspet its all about what he wants in the end.

take care of yourself Rose1 x

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