cloudyday

[cloudyday]

Summerday you are 100% right. The red flags appear almost straight away but we ignore them. We choose to stay with them and in hindsight we all regret not ending the relationship before we became emotionally involved.

[cloudyday]

The sleep control thing is a common thing with abusers. Sleep deprivation weakens the senses and gives them control. My abuser used to keep me on the phone until the early hours or if he was at mine he would come to bed late and wake me up and keep me talking to 2 am knowing that I had to get up for work a 6.30 and btw he did not work and stayed in bed until midday most days. Sleep deprivation is a well-known form of torture. My ex not so long ago was asking me in the early hours of the morning about certain sexual things with a previous boyfriend. I told him I was not comfortable talking about sexual experiences with previous partners no more than I wanted to hear anything about his experiences with previous partners but still he kept on and then when he tried to touch me I totally freaked out and said get off me! He made me feel degraded and disgusted. These abusers f… with your head.

[cloudyday]

Ditto Summerday. We choose the wrong men or do they choose us? Do they see a vulnerability in us. No matter how much love and care and time we shower on them nothing will ever change. We all try to fix something that is just not fixable.

[cloudyday]

Nobody understands what it is like to be with an abuser because we truly love them and invest so much of our lives with them. My whole family thought I was a complete pathetic joke as no matter what abuse was dealt out and how much I told them how unhappy I was I just couldnt leave. He kept pulling me back and those moments with him were so lovely and made me feel loved and safe only for it all to come tumbling down around me time and time again. My family basically washed their hands of me including my children. I said to my mum, mum you just dont understand what it is like to be in a relationship with this kind of person and how they erode away your self worth, doubt your own judgement on situations, make you feel so low and grateful for any crumbs of love they show. It is just not easy to walk away. She said Well I would never let myself get in that kind of relationship. It was as if she was superior to me. I havent seen my abuser for only a short while as I have just ended the relationship and I am an absolute mess, constantly crying, I feel like something has died inside me. I cant talk to my family. They just dont get it and get annoyed with me. Its like oh for gods sake get a grip, he was vile. But I truly loved and still love him. 99% of my life is missing now. Thats how they get you. Im sure im having some kind of melt down I even tried to contact him after telling him its all over. He is now the one declining and ignoring my calls. I said to my daughter tonight I feel like I have been put on this earth just to suffer. So I totally get everything you are saying about feeling alone. People are supportive at first but then when you dont get yourself out of the situation they lose patience and say dont want to hear it, heard it all before. It really makes you feel so alone and worthless

[cloudyday]

Hi Emsbank. Yea can totally relate to what you are saying. I havent seen my abuser for only a short while yet so early days but I feel like I have no life now. Although a lot of it was negative I miss him so much. I have been so low and weak that I actually contacted him myself and had my daughter who lives with me calling me pathetic. I hated myself for doing it. He wanted to meet up but something kicked in and said dont do it. Now it is he who is declining and ignoring my calls, I am miserable and empty without him. I know my daughter is right I am pathetic. He had such control over my life and my mind that now I feel like an empty shell. I feel I have no life now. Im craving those parts that were nice and it is as if Im blocking out all the emotional abuse. I miss him so much. I cant stop crying.

[cloudyday]

Thanks for your help freedom fighter. Yes he tries to portray himself as a lovely guy its not him its everyone else treating him badly. They are experts at lies and manipulation and making us the bad ones. It is missing the ideal that we would all love to have and feeling lonely. I have been receiving counselling which I have felt so beneficial. I need the time to reflect back on what the relationship was actually like. As you can read from my previous post he has tried to make contact. I will get in touch with Womens aid group to get the support I need. Love and strength to you too x

[cloudyday]

So he has tried to make contact in the early hours of this morning and also again this morning by doing 141 before my number as he is blocked but I didnt answer. My anxiety is now at an all time high again. His voicemails have said he loves me and then Im cheating on him and got someone else thats why I wouldnt let him in the house the other evening and also why I havent called him. Im sure he will turn up here again. How can I distance myself and heal when he wont allow it.

[cloudyday]

Sending you a big hug. It is not on the radar of these abusers to look out for anyone but themselves that is something I came to realise. I remember being ill and my ex still shouting at me. Flowers were bought once in all the years we were together. All the little things that make us feel special are not even considered as these abusers are too self-absorbed. My ex would say we couldnt go out because he didnt have the money and then gamble. Their behaviour and constantly changing goal posts make us feel confused and crazy but it is their behaviour that is crazy making. It is toxic. My ex and I went to visit my friend and he made a grand gesture of buying her a present when we were out. What a lovely guy. All fake. Its a hard lesson to learn but these kind of people will never truly love or look out for us. They are the centre of their own world. I used to wake in the morning with an almost panic attack and he would be lying next to me and I wouldthink god what a toxic mess this relationship is and Im still in it and cant find the strength to get out. Its a truly horrible place to be in. Even now I have only just got out I feel like Im in a living hell as he has damaged me so much my self esteem is at an all time low. I miss him like hell, how crazy is that. There is a massive void in my life that he filled. I struggled to leave too for a long time. The fact is that nothing will change within your relationship because they are incapable of change. Take another pregnancy test as you need to know for sure. Maybe ring the helpline also for support in all this. Sending you love and strength.

[cloudyday]

Because you have a heart on you and these abusers get you to feel sorry for them. I did this with my now recent ex. He hasnt worked for almost a year and hasnt even been really looking but a few weeks ago he got really upset and said he was on his last legs as he had no money and I leant him some. Now I know I wont ever see that again. My birthday meal and drinks out I ended up paying for the whole lot. He wasnt grateful at all. Bought tickets for a show for us and again it was as if it was nothing. Still verbally abused me. I stayed with him for a long time bailing him out. I felt like a mug also but I felt compelled to help him. They know we have a soft side and they prey on that side. They are not nice people.

[cloudyday]

The police came round I now have it on record about the key incident. Nothing will be done at this point as he will only deny ever having been at my property but that’s ok as long as I have it on record. He has not attempted to make any contact at all. Part of me is wondering why he hasnt made contact to hoover me back. I feel like he never loved me at all. He has literally done nothing. Although it has made it easier but its like he never cared. I still feel so upset with it all. My mother called me weak the other evening because I was really upset. She said well why don’t you just go back to him. She really doesn’t get it at all. He was such a big power in my life literally influencing every little thing I did or thought I had and now that’s just gone. I should be feeling relief but all I feel at the moment is an empty void. Has anyone else felt like this when they finally plucked up the courage to get out. I feel like absolute hell. I wrote down all the abusive stuff he has done to me over the years last night and it gave me strength to read it and think oh god this stuff is awful. How could I have allowed all this to happen to me. I’m glad I wrote it all down as it has helped me to remember and to realise how toxic the relationship was. I am angry with myself that I’m missing him but I cant stop it

[cloudyday]

I couldnt sleep last night at all. I went to work today but I felt as though I was just going through the motions. Im so scared to be alone. Its so weird because all I have done tonight is keep crying because I really miss him. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now. He has not tried to contact me at all. The Police are due to come to see me to take a statement about what happened last night regarding he coming round and the broken key in the lock and then they will go round to talk to him. I thought I would be glad of this but all I feel is pain, never ending. Its so strange because I keep remembering all the nice things he did and I seem to be trying to block out the really horrible way he treated me most of the time. I think I need to write everything down that has happened and when Im feeling weak read it to help regain my strength. I am a complete mess at the moment but its still early days.

[cloudyday]

Feeling so low right now.

[cloudyday]

Broke off his key in my front door lock deliberately. Had to get locksmith as couldnt get back into my own house. Only discovered this an hour after he drove off.

[cloudyday]

Sending you hugs iwillbeok. Its awful that they are at the foremost in our thoughts when all we want to do is forget. That voice in our head going over and over everything 24/7. We have all tried to hang on to the dreams that we would have liked to happen and the lives we hoped for but the reality is that none of this would ever have happened with these abusers. The bad days will become less with time and there will be good times ahead. We just got to stick with it and move forward and take time to heal our damaged hearts and minds. You did something good today iwillbeok, even though you were feeling so low yourself you sent me a few words that really lifted my spirit when I was feeling like hell. I appreciate that. Wishing you a better day tomorrow xx btw go and spend the bloody money on something frivolous, you deserve it, I sold my wedding ring ages ago, in fact 2 wedding rings and spent it on something nice, why not. xx

[cloudyday]

Thanks iwillbeok. That means a lot. xx

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