ConfusedandOverwhelmed

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Just following this thread makes me cringe. Hearing ‘hero’ complex and double standards etc. You are not alone. Abusers use EVERYTHING to maintain control. To make themselves right and everyone else wrong.

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

I’m afraid I am of no help with advise as I am probably in a similar boat. I just wanted to offer you some solidarity ❤️

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

He’s now been arrested. He turned up at my dads but it’s a bit confusing because it’s now a cross force investigation as I live in one area and my dad lives many miles away. His police force seem more keen on the abusive relationship but as far as I know he has at least been arrested for the malicious messages. Hopefully he will be told to stay away x

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Couldn’t find a wiki page for entitled attitude but google has much to say about entitlement attitudes of narcissists. That’s him. X

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Stressed 😥 but ok I guess… as ok as I think I’ll be for a while. My emotions are so close to the surface it doesn’t take much for me to cry. Like yesterday at work, when I got told off for using my phone (I had glanced at the time) I was in floods of tears which is really embarrassing. I’m still waiting for the solicitors to get back to me and still struggling with the decision to let my son have contact or not and how I would even achieve no contact if things do take a legal route. I guess things will be clearer when I actually talk to a solicitor. But so many people are on opposite sides of the fence. The very real fear of my ex imposing his ideology onto my son at an age where he is impressionable is a hard thing to contemplate, so I totally understand why in my mind and the thoughts of others it would be better to protect my son from that. But how do I achieve that if this far my ex hasn’t actually done something that would be considered a risk to him. Then there’s the people that say I shouldn’t stop him seeing his dad, that he will thank me for letting him make his own mind up. What is he gets hurt? I will only blame myself! Sure I can give my ex enough rope to hang himself, but at what cost to my son? So… yeah still pretty confused… and overwhelmed. X

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Definitely putting me my boy first ❤️ The logistics of that are yet to be seen but I will make it work. You are the first person I have come across that has used the term ‘strange thinking’… they really do think strangely… like the world owes them and they are right…and if somebody else happens to think differently the they are the strange ones. X

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Pretty sure he won’t behave himself either. X

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Thank you. I’m sorry your daughter went though that 😡 and sorry it took so long. I’m not sure how I can justify preventing contact unless he does something… even if I feel it’s not in his best interests. X

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Yes I meant it is a crime. 🤦‍♀️ Phone correction 😂 x

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Hi diymum… can you tell me how you justified withholding contact legally?… I’m not sure ‘mum instinct’ is enough (detail removed by Moderator). X

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Thank you. I don’t feel strong 😂 but that’s because he has made me that way. I am sorry you went through all this. And I am sorry for your loss. I understand the guilt you feel but you should try to forgive yourself. It’s a big ask I know. It took me years to understand that the mistakes I hade made weren’t all within my control. It took me longer to forgive myself. Self forgiveness is by far the worst as when you think you’ve finally done it, it rears it’s ugly head. Instead I found a way to cope and then eventually I’m time things became easier. Despite the abortion being ‘your choice’ it wasn’t. Hate him for that if you need to but not you.

I don’t want My son (I wasn’t clear before 😂) to suffer any emotional abuse at his fathers hand. I’m just not sure how I would justify witholdi g visits legally if he peruses this in court x

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Thank you diymum. I will have a look on YouTube. Yes I have major concerns about his influence on my son. I don’t want him poisoning him against me but I think that is the least of my worries. My son is so confident and outgoing because I let him be and he knows that I will be there. I have had to fight tooth and nail to be the parent I want to be against his dads wishes. He didn’t want me breastfeeding long term as that is ‘weird’ he hated that my son slept in my bed even though it meant all of us actually slept. He said I was molly coddling my son, and basically denying him sex. He hated baby led weaning because my son would gag. He would snatch the food away because he was ‘choking’ he would snatch his toothbrush away as it ‘wasn’t a toy’ even though my son was 8 months and loved ‘brushing his teeth’ I could see the impact this had on my son even at a small age as he didn’t know what he had done wrong. He felt I should leave my son to cry at 7 weeks as ‘he needed to learn’ all of these things I painfully researched for months before implementing, yet as he had (detail removed by Moderator) kids, he knew better than ‘some idiot on the internet’ and this is just the stuff so far. I don’t want my son to grow up thinking the way his dad sees the world is ok. Because to me that would just be breeding another potential abuser and I would rather die first. His dad believes his opinion is the only right way and if you disagree you must be stupid. He thinks boys are boys and girls a are girls, homosexual and transsexual behaviour is a choice people make for attention. God forbid I let my son play with a doll! I just want my son to grow up knowing he can love the person he was born to love, be the person he was born to be and have respect for everyone else even if it’s different. X

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Seriously thank you, I needed to hear a lot of this. You may be reading between the lines but these are all concerns I have had… I just wanted to kind of get an unbiased opinion. I’ve only really talked to some of my family about some of this stuff and as they are my family I can’t help but feel that they are meant to take my side. So for you to come to some of the same concerns as me means I’m not going crazy.

Child abduction is of course one of my greatest fears (and the possibility of worse as you have put) the fact that he lives I. A van and has more or less zero traceability makes that fear even worse as where would you even start to look? I am sorry to hear of your situation… that must of been so hard… I don’t know what I would have done. Has everything been resolved?

I have always tried to be fair, and in essence have overcompensated on the fairness to prove it in the past. But this is different. The consequences of my decision don’t just reflect on me. My child And their safety is not up for negotiation Period. I just don’t know where I stand legally with the consequences of that decision. If he were to pursue it I. Court, can I stop him??

There is always a small part of me that thinks for some reason he doesn’t know that what he has done is wrong, that he just thinks that is the way things are. He was never violent which is one thing, but then I have to remind myself that even if he didn’t know what he was doing in some cases there are some examples like the sexual assault that everyone should know is wrong. Then I think he probably knew exactly what he was doing. But either way, he still wouldn’t be a nice person. To knowingly do that stuff is horrendous, to go through life believing it’s ok is another type of horrendous.

Sorry my head is still pretty messed up at the moment x

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Thank you. Yes I don’t want my child to be exposed to any of the things I have, and I certainly don’t want them growing up believing that the way their dad acts is ok. I don’t believe my child needs anyone but me. I will of course expose them to good male influences but I have always provided everything they need. My concern is whether I can prevent contact if it goes to court…

[ConfusedandOverwhelmed]

Yes he does sound unhinged, unreasonable at the very best. I have considered reporting everything to the police. I was reminded the other day that coercive control isn’t a crime. A lot of it is probably my word against his, and he is very convincing, but there are somethings that are evidenced. I know he will just say that I am making it up to get back at him, and I know my fear of not being believed is part of the control he has instilled in me.

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