Crazydaisy

[Crazydaisy]

I’m sorry to hear this too. Anyone who doesn’t respect your wishes or at least understand your lifestyle isn’t looking out for your best interests and the fact they live with you… for goodness sake how do they not get what you need to take care of!? I feel for you, I really do. It’s your special day too and a heads up for nice getaway isn’t too much to ask for. The front that they pull, “the doting, kind, loving partner” trust me, if they can’t keep that up for you, they can’t keep that up for anyone. I once forgot my own birthday, he questioned me like “I did it on purpose” but if we feel anxious around our own special days, that really says something, these men are just not loving and caring for us and in the end will be just a bad memory. In the event you do have a good birthday, do it for yourself… take yourself off, even if it’s for a coffee treat and a piece of cake… your self worth is more than what it sounds you are getting from him. I hope you are safe and well, I feel for you I truly do x

[Crazydaisy]

I didn’t see this post but responded to your other… I truly hope you are able to reach out for more help from social services and the moderators here will sign post you as well.
I’m so sorry to hear this also, but yes It does sound like financial abuse!! how is it fair your benefits are relied upon for his lavish fashion lifestyle, yet your clothes have holes in them? You didn’t mention if he works or claims benefit as well? If your footing the bill for him, but he begrudges spending on you and the children… how is that an equal marriage? Making you reliant on your credit card puts you more into debt and is a viscious circle no one wants to be in and I feel for you, I really do. I understand he may wish to choose the children’s clothes as well, is this a joint decision? And are they as expensive as his? does he do this to control your spending so he has more for him? I’m angry for you and hoping that you do get some serious support with this chocolatebunnie, we are here for you to msg/chat to ❤️

[Crazydaisy]

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. Sadly, this isn’t a “new” experience for me and my ex was the same. They can neither see, nor accept responsibility because they don’t see that their behaviour is a problem… this is a classic that the children’s social worker we had says is the “norm” with perpetrators. The issue is, if they can’t see or recognise this behaviour as “wrong” then no change can happen and you will be stuck in a loop of questioning yourself and what is actually going on and that’s not healthy for your or your children. One thing that helped me and I’ll admit I found really an eye opener, was the freedom programme with women’s aid (or similar ask womens aid/moderator)… not everything may relate to you if you take part but what I did recognise, and yes it did hit me hard, but almost clarified what I felt wasn’t just my gut, but that what we were experiencing was actually happening. The thing is, if he won’t see what he is doing as wrong and even a professional sees it, and you stay with him, they’ll ask you why you stayed… (detail removed by Moderator) Hugs may be heartfelt, but are they truly for your best interests or his? Eventually hugs for us were the wrong meaning, not what they should have been for and for a genuine loving puspose… Of course he Will behave for a while, classic again… but lovely, it doesn’t last. Your writing comes across as confused and afraid and I truly feel for you, but hope you can push to get the help to see, that your not really living and you already express your worries of what May or May not have already happened or could happen again, im actually scared for you. Please reach out through social services for your and children’s protection, they won’t action anything until you say so because it’s just an assessment that sounds like you need to truly fill in some gaps, but be open and honest how you feel and even more so how the assessment has made you feel. It may help to validate anything you are so unsure of and clear that confusing gut feeling? You can start the change you need but your not responsible for him, just you and your kids… I’ve heard this since day dot “you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”… unless he accepts a problem, and is willing himself, change won’t happen for you, so you have to make it happen for yourselves x and i truly hope you get all the love and support with this… I am sending love and support from us here to you, your brave by starting here, just take it a few more brave steps ❤️❤️

[Crazydaisy]

Abusers will try anything to put you in not a good shade of “oh look what she did, she’s done this and that” fact of it is… so what… you moving on for your happiness is nowhere in the same league as the faker trying to control, manipulate and pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. His pretending to be doting dad and great ex never lasts, because the closer you are to your new partner and your children seeing what a healthy relationship looks like… makes him uneasy, makes him less powerful and unable to control the situation… out of jealousy of course he’ll kick off, he’ll bad mouth you to absolutely anyone, even the children, so please push for a non mol (?), get your identity and your sense of self back away from him and for your kids, you’ve been through so much and also need time to grieve x remember there’s no time on grief and recovery for everyone is different, your doing amazing and I wish you all the very best xxx happiness is allowed, you are allowed to be you, to be free, to be loved and with your children xxx

[Crazydaisy]

I feel terrible for you and this resonates with me alot… thing is, enablers of abusers don’t care what they did, your the problem because “you are not family”… and sad as it is why would they believe you, I put up with this for years, sun shone out of his every orifice but yet the problem was apparently me… don’t let them get to you is the only way you can keep your sanity and your head held high, no matter what you tell them, they won’t care… (detail removed by Moderator).. you just have to always remember, the issue was him… not you and the enablers that allow it… one day they’ll see it was all him through either someone new or they’ll get it first hand from him… karma is a wonderful thing! I hope all goes well for you and your continual recovery, your doing amazing xx

[Crazydaisy]

My children were so submissive and petrified, of course they take a side but out of FEAR. Your back up is getting services involved, sadly they only as you and only YOU why didn’t you? If things were that bad why didn’t you stop it… I’m not trying to be horrible by any means necessary, but I was walked all over by his solicitor at court because I did and said nothing, thinking I was protecting the kids more and hey… yeah they abuse the system but guess what… they mess up and they don’t change and once you ensure you have that support and protective back up… he will move on and show his same behaviours again… do what you can for your children while they are still young if they see all this going on and think it’s “normal” your in for a much more of a tricky ride, even without him there, children learn, copy and mimic, one of of the three of mine is so set in the exs ways, I’m struggling now… put an end to it before the struggles escalate, the saying when a plane goes down put your oxygen mask on before the kids… your the oxygen, let your kids grow, thrive and BREATH so when they’re older you can to and you can say… yeah I did that and I’m proud, this is what I focus on and work so hard for, much to my detriment, so please while they are young do what you can. It’s not shameful or bad to put your hands up and ask for help, you will be slated if you don’t, do it for you and your kids xx

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