Fulmar

[Fulmar]

Thank you for your replies, thank you for listening xx I think I needed to vent it out to people who understand what it feels like, its hard to explain to people who’ve never been afraid of their partners, isn’t it? I am planning just to go for a short time and have made a safety plan with my therapist which makes me feel a bit more secure. I don’t owe him anything and I have nothing to prove. I can do this.

[Fulmar]

You’re not alone! It’s my first Christmas without him and it has been HARD. So much harder than I thought it was going to be. Didn’t help that (removed by moderator). Thanks guys. It took a good half hour before I could summon up my inner grown-up and be happy for them. Obviously I am happy for them. Just feel they could have waited till after Christmas to drop that one….so I spent Christmas Eve crying in the kitchen with my mum telling me it would be okay and I’d find someone. Too hard to explain that I wasn’t crying about that. I was crying because I don’t understand what is wrong with me and what on earth I did to deserve the hell I’d been through.

I realise that what I miss are dreams I had of a loving, committed relationship. The realities always hit like a sucker punch and I feel physically ill at the idea of being that intimate with anyone ever again – or trusting anyone ever again.

The most important thing now is looking after yourself and doing things at YOUR pace and on YOUR terms. They take that autonomy away from us. It is important to reclaim that and build from there. One thing I have learned is that the wonderful ladies here will always have support to offer. Sending hugs too x

[Fulmar]

Hi lovely,
Yes, you can have PTSD. It’s the most horrible feeling. Someone I know came up behind me in a supermarket and touched my arm and I completely freaked out. I think he must have thought I was a right weirdo. I had curled up on the floor panic attacks when he messaged me and panicked every time my phone buzzed. When you’re feeling at the worst you could try rectangular breathing, a long deep breath in and a short breath out. The other thing I find helps is visualisation, I shut my eyes and think of somewhere that I feel utterly calm and peaceful, and then I imagine putting all the anxiety and stress and horrible stuff in to a cloud or a box or something and pushing it away from me. It takes practice but it does help sometimes. xxx

[Fulmar]

Is it considered to be rape even within a relationship? I’m very confused. But I know that a lot of the things that you both describe happened and happened a lot and I always felt dirty and a bit violated afterwards, it never occurred to me to label it as rape. He had such weird ideas about consent (and lectured me on it quite a lot). I never fought him off or told him to stop. It’s not that I didn’t want it to stop. There was no point saying no because he’d just sulk and whine or generally be unpleasant until he got what he wanted.

[Fulmar]

I don’t know. He was always talking to other girls, generally texting them whilst I was sitting right next to him (I mean, who does that?!). Discussing really deep emotional stuff with them, talking with them in a way he never did with me. But I don’t think he cheated. There was once that I suspected it and I confronted him but he flipped it back on me and turned on the tears and the temper and the sob story about an ex who’d cheated on him.

I was regularly told about other girls who were wonderful and faultless and fairly regularly compared to them and found wanting. Both girls I knew and ones I didn’t. I think it was largely done to hurt me or pressure/bully/manipulate/emotionally blackmail me in to sexual activity I didn’t want. But I just don’t know. I never confronted him after the first time because I just didn’t have the energy for his overbearing emotional wreckage and temper tantrums.

[Fulmar]

I don’t know if it helps at all, but I felt like that a lot too. I was his emotional punch bag for years and I know that a few of the people around me thought it was abusive long before I was ready to admit to myself that it was not okay. Mine went through a phase of being very low and would keep me up in to the early hours (when he knew I had work) offloading his emotional baggage on to me and there came points that I couldn’t take it anymore. Then he got mad. So I understand the guilt and the confusion. But someone said to me that it really doesn’t matter what is or isn’t wrong with him because there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. I think that, at the end of the day, if it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. x

[Fulmar]

Thank you both. I do have the same phone and although he would have had access to it at some point I don’t think he would have done something like that. But I have turned off the GPS to be on the safe side. I will pluck up the courage and speak to WA, thank you KIP x

[Fulmar]

I haven’t spoken to my GP, I worry about going to the one I’m registered with because they aren’t interested, they just say they can give me antidepressants. I self-referred through IAPT and they assessed me and said I’m exhibiting symptoms of PTSD and have referred me for another assessment but I have no timescale for that, they just said I’m on a waiting list. I should moving soon to be back home because I’m not coping on my own. The doctor at home is really good and I’m sure I can get help through them so I’m holding out for that. At the moment I feel like I’m in limbo. And then there is all the admin that has to be done around moving…gah.

I am terrified that it will make him angry if I block his number. I suppose because I worry that I am overreacting and none of it was as bad as I’m making out, that I’m just attention seeking and I just pushed him to do and say the things he did because I’m infuriating and difficult. So blocking him feels just like a big part of that and it will hurt him, because I am not even sure that he knew what he was doing or how his behaviour affected me.

But then, I’m so scared that he will get to me and I won’t be strong enough or brave enough to say no. I know that I don’t want to go back, but he could persuade you that the sky is green if he wanted to. It would be impossible to say no.

Will he ever let me go?

[Fulmar]

Hi KIP, thank you for your reply. Its good to know that I’m not as nuts as my friends think I am for not having blocked the number yet. I hadn’t thought about the idea of having a phone just for him. That sounds like a good plan, and more incremental than just blocking him. I’m so tired of being reduced to kitchen floor panic attacks by it all x

[Fulmar]

Thank you all for your kind words, it means so much to read these, to know that there are others who get it. It’s been a wobbly couple of days but I do feel relieved to have spoken about it and to know that you understand. I know just have to keep on asking for help and trust that it will eventually get better and I will eventually be able to stop obsessively checking car number plates…

That feels a long way away right now x

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