Guitarstring

[Guitarstring]

Hi,
I completely understand your situation. I have been reading lots of stuff lately and doing a lot of soul searching. I have looked back on our relationship and realised i have been fighting him since the beginning. I had been holding on to all the amazing times we had and how he made me feel… until he repeatedly told me, for months, that our relationship was s**t since the beginning. It wasn’t all ****, but it wasn’t what i remembered either. Some of the things i have said and done I’m gutted i lowered myself to that. I had always been independent and the organiser, if you like, and wonder if my partner has just met his match.
Its all very confusing, i know, but keep posting. Its been an amazing support and helped me unravel some of the knots i feel I’m in.

Take care! Xx

[Guitarstring]

Hi IWMB,

I have been reading “Why does he do that”… amazing! It has opened my eyes so much. The amount of stuff that i have read and been able to put situations/feelings too is actually quite scary. Its made me feel much stronger.

Thank you! I owe you such a big thanks! Xxx

[Guitarstring]

Did you have a battle with yourself about whether he abused you or you abused him?
We have had “the chat”. I am even more confused.
Hours of me telling him how wrongly i think he’s treated me and how wrongly he thinks I’ve treated him. Maybe we are just as bad as each other.

[Guitarstring]

Funny you should say that. He accessed counselling some time ago and hes admitted he was physically and verbally abused as a kid by his mum. Ive said to him about family counselling but his councillor said not to whilst hes going through this. Did your oh ever admit he knew what he was doing? Xx

[Guitarstring]

I absolutely know he does those things! Ive just looked them up and I am shocked! When we first started seeing eachother he was going through a divorce. He would tell anyone and everyone that his ex wife was a psycho. Some were people we both knew, and knew that they were the biggest gossips. I even brought it up with him at the time as i was a bit miffed he spoke more about her than his amazing new girlfriend. He painted a horrid picture of her and even had people saying they would give her a good hiding. Thats what worries me.

None of this is confusing at all… its all beginning to make sense. I will have a look at downloading those books!

Thank you so much! I wish i could squeeze you! Xx

[Guitarstring]

Im glad we dont live together!

How do you get past not feeling like its your fault and your the bad person?

The fact it seems as though hes been researching makes me wonder if he truly believes he us being abused. What do i do with that?!

Just been talking to my friend about all of this and she said its probably why none of his family speak talk me anymore. No idea what he has told them. All he tells me is.. they wont get involved because thats what they are like. I even reached out to his mum to ask for help ages ago. I didnt even get a reply. Its so bloody lonely!

Thank you IWMB XXX

[Guitarstring]

Thats what i thought when i looked up some of the definitions kip said earlier. He has been married more than once and have ended with divorce being filed against him for unreasonable behaviour. His family were amazing in the beginning. Like a second family. They loved me and i loved them. We did so much together. His sister and I have known each other for a long time and he always warned me he wouldnt like me going out with her as she cant be trusted. When started getting closer he told me she had been bad mouthing me. I confronted her and shim together and before i could say anything he apologised to her for saying stuff about her. Left me feeling like i couldnt say what i needed to. When i found the time i asked her again and she said no and was going to speak to him. He came home from work that night and apologised saying she had never said that.

We dont live together, fortunately, but i feel huge pressure. I know he will make my life a misery if i split from him. And then that will effect my children.

Thank you for your replies. It is really helping.

[Guitarstring]

Thank you ladies.
The realisation is heartbreaking isn’t it?

The thing is i have got mad over him talking to other woman, i did get mad when he came home drunk, i did send a selfie to a male friend, i have put kisses on the end of messages to male family and friends. I actually think he has turned me into someone i don’t like. I have always stuck up for myself and when he has changed his goal posts i have moved mine to his.

Before he moved out he spoke to the council for help being rehomed. I checked his phone as something didn’t sit right. He had a conversation via text with his ex wife about it, said the council had advised him to go to the police as it sounds like domestic abuse. I was devastated. Confronted him and he apologised saying it wasn’t me that behaved like that it was him.
Im so convinced i am an abuser. But, i know his behaviour is not acceptable to.
We had an amazing week. Then i had a strong opinion on social distancing at work and ive been accused of not believing him or trusting him. I even said we are both entitled to opinions that are different. Since that ive been told i need help as i have a cycle where im nice to him, ignore him, horrible to him, then nice again. And if i loved him i would get help.
We’ve not spoken for days and now he wants to see me. Who knows, maybe he will of finally had enough of me and call it a day.

Being in lockdown and working from home is very lonely.

Thank you xx

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