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That’s v interesting, Kip. I often feel he accuses me of his own actions – ie a massive projection. My relationship with the children seems to be stronger than ever, though. I sense my eldest is moving away from him emotionally and I just try to be there with them as much as possible xx

[I am…]

He’s not actually denying anything. We talked a lot yesterday and he agreed he has been controlling and that recent unpleasant episodes are completely out of order. He apologised profusely and agreed it’s unacceptable.
I told him I think he’s just saying this because he’s scared I’ll leave and he agreed that he is scared.
Am still going to plan a route out of the relationship because I need to know what I’m going to do if he reverts to the abusive behaviours. Being well-informed makes us feel stronger.

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I appreciate this communication so much. I think I may still be in some degree of denial, so I find words such a staple and molest quite shocking. Surely this isn’t what’s happening to me? But then I think: have i(on so many occasions) has sex when I really didn’t want to? And the answer is yes.
Am I anxious in his presence? Yes.
Does he constantly overstep my boundaries? Yes.
I think if I don’t separate from him I will become seriously unwell. I think I am already sliding into a depression, and have no one to talk to.
Such a difficult situation. I read your comments and think you both sound so much stronger than me, and I worry I can’t find the strength.
I’ll try to call WA today and start making practical steps. It’ll be a distraction from the emotional stuff xx

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We do sleep separately. He tends to come into my room in the morning, often to wake me, and then I go with him to his room. I just know that if I say no too often, I will be accused of denying him his basic human rights and there will be an argument if I don’t agree. I often agree just to avoid a day-long argument

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I came home. I told him if he talks to me I will leave again so he is not speaking to me. Of course, he has now taken the children under his wing. I spend so much time and energy caring for them, and when there is a hint I may have had enough of his crap, he becomes dad of the year.
I am going to plan a way forward without him but it is so scary, and so real.

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I am aware this is somewhat of a stream of consciousness- I think I may finally have broken the silence x

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The number of times I’ve had sex against my will, but being told it’s my responsibility as a partner. His sister told him that if I withhold sex it is unfair???!!!! Honestly, what the actual fuck?! He often tells me he has such a high drive he may need to seek solace elsewhere do often, despite the strains of family life, we wake at 5am to have sex. He will wake me for it. If I’m not in the mood (which I rarely am) I just lie there and let him screw me. Awful. Can’t actually believe this is my life and this is what I have normalised.

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So difficult, isn’t it? My children will suffer so much but I feel that, as their key role model, they will suffer so much more in the long term if I stay. I have so much anger inside it aches. But I will go back tonight for them.
I am not physically scared of him but I am frightened of his criticism, his ability to be so certain that he is right. He will struggle so much without me in so many ways but I don’t wish this upon him. I wish he were stronger so we didn’t have to suffer this fucking misery

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He has just messaged me, to remind me of my responsibilities. The children will not be with us forever and so I must communicate. I truly hate him for. I feel so sad for my lovely children

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Thank you, kip. Reading your words makes me so sad. When I am not there, he is great with the children.
But so much time is spent together with him ranting at me about my ‘poor behaviour’ with me pointing out that what he is doing in that moment is the worst of all. I hate him so much at times. Then I feel responsible for our situation and think I can dig us out of it. Endless unhappiness

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My partner often reminds me of the times that I have ‘lost it’, claiming this makes me an abusive person. I have accepted this on many occasions and agreed that I have a problem. My therapist has helped me to see that I am just expressing anger and frustration. You take and take it… and take it until you explode. The explosion just proves your humanity. It doesn’t mean you are inflicting abuse.

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Thanks, flowerchild, for your comments. Re parenting, he is very engaging, and has been there throughout all of the sleepless nights. I don’t think he feeds the children stories when I am not there. It’s more he accuses me of poisoning them towards him. I believe they defy him because they hate the way he speaks to them on times x

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Yes, Kip, I do fear you are right. He wants to keep things together but I cannot see how I can do that. I lie awake and think about the years of criticism and anxiety and I feel so resentful and sad. He wants to say we are 50/50 responsible but I didn’t frighten him or try to control his thinking. I will continue to make my plans and cannot see us together over the longer term xx

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