indunn

[indunn]

Yes I did mean Women’s Aid helpline, although the local police were supportive, flagged the address I had fled to, took action against him etc but I received real support once I had spoken to the help line. Just explain everything that has happened, they are trained to listen and given the garbled, borderline hysterical call they received from me, I was astounded how they easily they made sense of it all. I had kept quiet for decades, so there was a lot bottled up, on top of that I felt I was facing barriers in all directions. Don’t worry about how ‘charming’ he can be, I too worried about that but the police saw right through the act. We all know how hard it is, to ask for help for so many reasons but you and your children deserve to live in your home safe from attack, is a basic human right. Please make that call xxxx

[indunn]

I really identify with the ‘pushing people away’ I too was isolated he went through the friends first then tried the same with family- even his own! he wanted it just to be us. It happened over a period of years, my closet friend just wouldn’t be intimidated and didn’t care how badly he behaved but she sadly died. From then on, I just didn’t encourage people, it was easier as I knew he would eventually behave so badly they would disappear. I think as my behaviour changed over a period of time, it will take a period of time to reverse things? I too was never into loads of mates, but am hoping I can build new friendships in the future, at the moment coming to terms with ending things with him it pretty much foremost in my mind, I have left but we still have shared property to sort etc., so I’m probably not going to be life and soul of any thing 🙂 I’m looking at it like losing weight, we all forget how long it took to put the weight on and want to lose it in a week 🙂 it takes time or at least that’s what I am telling myself for now.

[indunn]

Have you called the helpline? If nor I cannot urge you to strongly enough. I was desperate, it seemed as though I was alone against the world – not to bore you with my details but really – I was dealing with legal system, hospitals, social workers and no one seemed to be on my side. I called the helpline and within one week everything had turned around. The police will listen to you, everything has changed with them, they have specially trained officers now who are fantastic. Just reach out – help is waiting xx

[indunn]

like SRF above, I kept my old mobile, I tried to call the police on the last night he took if from me and smashed it then flushed it down the loo and ripped all the card slots on the case (looking for non-existent evidence). Anytime I feel guilty or my memory starts to erase all the bad bits, I get the old phone out and can instantly see him in my minds eye, that awful night comes rushing back. So a list or a thing like my mobile could well save your life, take care

[indunn]

I am almost out, although he knows where I am, when I hear a car I am checking and my mobile and house keys are permanently with me, I have an escape route planned but as I have a health condition, I can’t run very far, so living on hope that I can get round the corner before he spots me. Do you think it is the stress that is causing my need for 12-14 hours sleep a day? I have mentioned it to the doctor but I’m not very good at making people listen, if I pick up “please go away” signals – I quietly go away, I guess when not picking up on signals results in anything from a bruise to breaking your teeth, you learn to become perceptive and quick to act. However, when it’s a health care professional whom you have told you are escaping DV, I expected a little more then a ‘yes and that has what to do with me/the situation’ attitude. I suppose I should go back and try again, but I have been living alone now for some months and whereas I did just about everything, and did it well, out of fear of the reaction if I didn’t, I now do very little. I don’t bother paying bills until I am put in a corner, a debt collecting agency just called and I hung up on them. I don’t do any of my hobbies, something I was really looking forward to, I am keeping the house clean and cook but mainly because my daughter checks up on the obvious things (in a good way) I also bother with make up when I know she’s coming, but otherwise I don’t bother with my hair or makeup. I can see that I am substituting other people as reasons or motivators to do anything aside from watch TV, is this a normal reaction that I will gradually come out of and return to my old efficient self? I have really tried to think about why I am not doing anything and I know I am going to put my self in the proverbial if I don’t sort out finances, but I just don’t. I think if I went back to work it might help, but I do not have a chronic condition so who would want to employ me and I also don’t want to ask anyone for a reference, again I don’t know why I don’t – I was in my last job for a long time and they didn’t want me to leave. I dreamed of being free from hours of lectures on how useless and stupid I was, to be followed later by how wonderful I was, how he didn’t mean it, I had made him angry, made him do it. Now I am free from physical violence and the constant threat which even when things are going ok, I knew could erupt at any time for reasons I rarely understood. Now I am free, I seem hell bent on wrecking my life. Sorry to go on but I really don’t know if I should get help or just maybe time will heal, I have had really great support, I am doing my best to pretend I am up now, they have listened to me all through the my finally leaving and the trouble that caused, I don’t feel I can start telling them this now – they feel they supported me in getting free it seems ungrateful in way, to start saying I am not coping with being free which is the truth of it I think. I also make no sense at all to myself so how can I expect help from family. Anyway if anyone can suggest help in anyway I’d be very grateful, having been through it, perhaps it now makes sense to you, is it PTSD

[indunn]

Are you sure you “liked being hit and belittled”? Or like KIP suggests perhaps you miss the dramatic ups and downs of the past. There is no doubt, life without my ex is quiet, peaceful and some would say boring but I say bring it on – I’ll take all the steady, life without drama there is. But if you miss it then I’d suggest you seek out a less harmful way of making life exciting, I don’t know – take up para-gliding or deep sea diving, acting, bungee jumping there is a world of possibilities out there. Possibilities that will provide you with the nail biting, anxious making moments but after, you will feel proud of your self, you will have done ‘whatever’ and survived. You can show your friends the pics and see what admiration feels like, I think you might prefer it to pity. I think how you are feeling now is part of the process of recovery, there has to be an alternative, more positive source to get your adrenalin flowing – have a think, perhaps give it a go and then let us know, you could perhaps do a sponsored parachute jump out of a plane, you got me thinking now, what could I do …

[indunn]

There will come a time when it is right for you and nothing will stop you. We all have our breaking point and you will reach yours, seriously – make sure it’s before he does you real harm. It took me more than (Detail removed by moderator) years to reach my breaking point, I always believed things would be better when …. only the when’s would come and go and things only got better for a short time. When I left, I had nowhere to go but I didn’t care, when he saw there was no stopping me he pointed out that I had nowhere (he’d isolated us from everyone by his behaviour) I said I would rather live on the streets than live with him another day and I meant it. What did I have to fear – the only person who had ever harmed me was him! Anyway I hope this helps, the fact that you are contacting Women’s Aid means you are partly out the door already – in your head, the rest will follow. Be strong, you have the right to live without fear, it won’t be easy but it really will get easier a little each day. I have no home of my own, very little money, my car is terminally ill, my wardrobe replacements come from charity shops and the police call me regularly to ensure I’m alright but I don’t spend everyday on eggshells and I know one day I will have lived 24 hours without being afraid – I didn’t find Women’s Aid until it was nearly too late, you have them now and all of us behind you, take care you will get there. 🙂

[indunn]

Thank you for posting this, it’s encouraged me to start my long abandoned hobbies, I too abandoned my interests as any joy was sucked out by criticism followed up by intimidation. Actually, it was the ‘lecture’ on my spending more time at the weekend making our grand-daughter’s (Detail removed by moderator) than I had spent with him, watching him watch tv that signalled the beginning of the end. Anyway – looking forward – I hadn’t given that a thought so thank you I’m off to the loft to rummaged through boxes 🙂

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