Isitmymindanymore

[Isitmymindanymore]

Thank you for your responses.

I certainly will have a read through Healing from hidden abuse.
And thank you both for your guidance to the freedom programme which I will definitely be looking into. I am currently recieving support from my local mental health team but I do feel it’ll be beneficial to look into other avenues of support.

Its comforting to know that these thoughts are normal. I know it will take time and I need to allow that time, i guess my patience wore thin over time. Xxx

[Isitmymindanymore]

Hi there

I am new here and I may not be able to answer your questions but I can certainly relate to what you are experiencing.
I too experienced similar interactions. My past was used against me many a time. Things I’d told him in confidence thrown right back at me but I never did the same to him. I believe they try to gain your trust and faith in them only to use it as ammo. The initial remorse is to bring you back in only to give another verbal bashing. The up and down becomes addictive. I believe him distancing himself and appearing concerned, understanding, radio silence etc is a way to draw you back in, maybe it makes them feel wanted, im not sure. Nonsensical arguments go round and round and i believe this is to keep attention and focus on them.
I use to engage in it all but the only place in got me was lost in his perspective and his issues. The last incident was my last. No contact really does give you that freedom.

I hope there was some help in there xxx

[Isitmymindanymore]

Hi both,
Thank you for replying.
I was scared to post anything. I registered here a while ago and would type my story over and over again, I didn’t have the confidence to submit. Maybe that submit button has another meaning; submitting your truth.

I have often wondered and still do wonder if i will ever be me again, as SAZAUK does. I know I’m in there but I think now its a different version of me.

I have read, ‘why does he do that’ and ‘Living with a Dominator’. They were an eye opener and i sat there and continuously nodded my head with realisation. I will have a read of ‘Healing from hidden abuse. Thank you for your suggestions.
Reading those books made me wonder why I didn’t have even a slither of knowledge about this, then I started thinking they should teach some baseline things in Senior school. But thats another topic.
I can go off sometimes.

I agree when you said they are not wired as we are. And I guess its about accepting that and accepting that I couldnt do anything about it. I could’ve sacrificed all of me and it still wouldn’t have been enough or I did it wrong or not how he asked for it to be done.

Its been peaceful not waiting for an outburst, issue or complaint. Its been peaceful not having to think about every word that comes out my mouth, every facial expression, my tone and body language. I started to feel like I was coming back from the depths.

I went completely NC, I deleted and blocked numbers, associated numbers and every app. Me and my children (thankfully not his) went off grid, we went away. It was liberating.
I got a non-mol. I have a supportive family around me which I am so thankful for as some are not as lucky. It really is a roller coaster but at least this ride I am in control of.

Mentally something doesn’t feel right, Sometimes I feel like im blocking things, maybe minimising things, not fully accepting of what it was but knowing what it was, if that makes sense. I’m hoping the High intensity therapy will help with that amongst other things.

Have a good day xxx

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