Jazz

[Jazz]

Thank you Starmoon I did google gaslighting and I was shocked how comprehensive it is. It certainly applies. I do hope you’ve had a better day today. Stay strong, hugs xx

[Jazz]

I have a theory this morning after a mostly sleepless night and id be interested to hear what anyone thinks of it.

I went to a Freedom meeting and it was about children, it was my first meeting and I thought not relevant to me as mine are grown up. I stayed though and the organiser asked how many of you were brought up in violent families and including the organisers everyone put their hands up.

It was really upsetting what we’ve been through ourselves as children and my theory is that we make a conscious decision to date/marry nice men who seem kind and caring so as not to go through the same as an adult and we grow up as people pleasers “keeping the peace” a phrase I remember growing up. So little by little they take advantage, gain their power because we can’t face what they are doing or we are in denial of whats happening. I’m struck by how many women say they didn’t realise they were being abused. Because its not always obvious like mine until you look back. Does it ring any bells with anyone? Love xx

[Jazz]

Starmoon you sound so brave, I hadn’t read your other posts until just now (this thread)your experiences are so so bad, never ever let him into your life again and eventually you’ll have good positive experiences and these terrible ones will dim. Maybe a long way away but it will happen. I wish you good things and physical health to help you move on with your life now. Sending love and support xxxx

[Jazz]

Free to be, you are not alone. It’s only now looking back on the last few years that I realise that what I thought was normal was so abusive, the emotional abuse chipped away at me so much and when I became a sobbing wreck he would comfort me and ask why I was so depressed when I had everything.
I had never heard of the cycle of abuse and like others on this forum I had always strongly believed that I would never put up with being treated badly.
It is always so sly, the mind games. Our immediate neighbours heard everything through the walls but other people were always telling me what a lovely man he was so I doubted myself. We’d moved a long way from my friends and family and he didn’t have any and I got cut off from everyone I’d known apart from my daughter, emotionally isolated and felt too ashamed to confide in anyone. We were home together 24/7 and I spent so much time plotting how to get away, where to go like a constant drama in my head. I’m still doing it! Take strength from everyone’s support on the forum. HUGS XXXXX

[Jazz]

I feel so sad for you, it’s heartbreaking. But know that no one will judge you here. We all have our stories and this is the only place that we can be open and support each other. You love your children and they’ll know that and one day when they are grown up and out of his clutches you’ll be able to explain the truth of everything to them. Stay strong but don’t feel you have to put on an act for people, it’s exhausting for you. Love, hugs and sympathy. Xxx

[Jazz]

Glad you’re ok, as much as we ever can be! I haven’t heard the term gas lighting, I can guess in a way what it means, is it a common expression? In terms of behaviour I mean? Xx

[Jazz]

Absolutely so true. it’s always because you did this, said that……. such reworkers of the truth. I’ve been out today and he said I’d come back extremely hostile which wasn’t me!!!!! Now I see realities of our life it’s hard to be anything but. How are you coping Starmoon? X

[Jazz]

Thanks Starmoon, I came back from the meeting even angrier! Hearing other people’s ongoing situations and what they are suffering. I know I have to get out of this relationship to get my head clear. He doesn’t understand why I get upset that he’s told me so many lies about his past, apparently I am too literal and expect everyone to tell the truth all the time when I should know that everyone lies. But he loves me, that’s the truth!!!! I’ve asked him to leave, find somewhere else to live. I said to myself I wont say anything until the house is back in my name. What an idiot I am, now I’m angry with myself because I think he’ll refuse out of spite. Oh well!

[Jazz]

Try to give him the opposite to the reaction he expects then you’re in control.if you say what a wonderful opportunity for the kids to have Christmas abroad, how exciting etc. However hurt you are inside, don’t show him or the kids, don’t give him the satisfaction and plan something nice and special as a treat for yourself. Love and good luck xx

[Jazz]

Hi Kip,
Thanks for your very good advice. I just posted a long message and had to exit suddenly so lost it. Anyway I have spoken to my solicitor about removing him from the deeds as he has agreed that (hopefully when it happens he will sign).i want to do that very quickly. I will see the wa solicitor on Thursday about my options, have a one to one appt. with a wa worker and applied to join the local Freedom group. I’ve also(for my own needs) started to document the abuse starting years ago. I haven’t got that far into it but I’m staggered when I look back what I put up with. It’s so that when I weaken I can look back at it. I’m not young and hoped to go into old age with a loving companion and it scares me what I’m doing. I wish I could say to him I’ve got all this wonderful support for the first time but of course I can’t. I was very touched by the lady who also said she had wonderful times in between, and totally agree with her. One day someone tells you that you are the most important person in their life and then another they are screaming in your face over nothing. I watched the short video in the Freedom online programme about bullies. Love and support to all of you xxxx

[Jazz]

Thanks Kip, the pc is coming to the house today with the official caution so I’ll speak to him. There are all sorts of appointments made for me for the coming week through women’s Aid and their solicitor. I need to get the house back in my name quickly while things are quiet. My husband hasn’t spoken to me and stays in his room. He is very upset, I can see that and I know that will change. I have all sorts of things in place now so don’t feel in danger. A lot of abuse has been mental I now realise so I am aware that’s not ok. I used to think he was just rather a ‘difficult’ person but normal! I’ll keep you posted and appreciate your concern.

[Jazz]

Thank you all for your messages, I’m overwhelmed by the support I’m getting. Yesterday I was told by the policeman that he had gone to the house the evening of my statement for an interview. My husband admitted everything, even things he has done in the past and was sorry and said it would never happen again. I asked what mood he was in I.e. Belligerent? He said he was terrified and shaking. The pc said to him that I had his mobile and if anything happened again he had told me to ring him or 999 and they would action court which would give him a criminal record. He also told him he would come back and officially caution him so that it would be on his record for the future. He didn’t manage to do that because being (detail removed by Moderator) night they were really busy at the station but will do it today. He said he felt it would be safe for me to come home.
I came back to sleep (in the spare room which I had made comfortable for this situation for the first time). He was in bed and got up to ask if I was staying the night and went back to bed.
I think the atmosphere will be frosty today but not surprisingly. I hope we can eventually get back to being in happy times but I won’t put up with the bullying any more.
I’m seeing a solicitor this week to discuss my rights. The house is in both names but I paid for it. If it were sold and given we have spent a fortune on repairs etc and only just moved, there wouldn’t be enough money for us both to have a house so we have to make this work.
I’m surprised how hardened I’ve become. I will take all the steps now if they become necessary. I didn’t realise until I read the other posts how bullied I’ve been always. But no more! Thank you for the support to give me the strength.

[Jazz]

Thank you for your kind response Lisa. I spoke to Women’s Aid this morning and she told me to go to my doctor to show my injuries and to put them on record. I wasn’t keen as it seemed bad to get an emergency appointment but I did and he took it very seriously and wants to see me again in a couple of weeks to see how I am. I was so amazed. Then I phoned the local support group who said I had to report it to the police and made an appointment for me to see their solicitor and a one to one interview. The police were marvellous and sympathetic and took details and statements and were going to arrest him or take him in for a voluntary interview.
I feel terrible now, I’m sad and sorry for him that it’s come to this although it has to happen. I don’t want to go to court but I would if I had to. I just want him to get a shock to mend his ways so that we could eventually be happy. Am I being a fool to think that’s possible? I’ve been crying all day and I know it’s going to get worse. Thanks for reading!

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