Justwokenup

[Justwokenup]

I’ve thought about leaving again and trying retrospectively to get him out of the house so I can return.

It would mean me and mmy younger son sharing a room however my elder son wouldn’t come with me.

Last time I left , his dad made his life a living hell and my son didnt tell me so suffered in silence.  It took him ages to tell me about it. He said my partner totally went to pieces and he stopped in his room most of the time as he didnt feel safe around him. I m not sure if can do that to him again even though hes an adult , how can i do that to him !. So we’re all stuck !!

 

 

[Justwokenup]

Im in the same situation tbh , I dont know how to say it. Sometimes it’s on the tip of my tongue but I’m not brave enough.

When I’m out the house I know its the right thing to do but when I’m with him there’s like a fog that confuses me.

I dont think he’ll leave and I dread the aftermath,  he’s unpredictable and could go either way. Accept it and move out or stay and make life he’ll. I have visions of him smashing the house up or attacking me so I don’t say anything.

I left a while a go and came bk as I felt strong enough to get him to leave but since then my strength has just diminished so I don’t know what to do now.

Hope you get some good advice and manage it ! I’ll have to take some of it on myself .

[Justwokenup]

Yes , he’s broken my phone in the past,  I dont leave it where he can see it – also due to him going through it at times too.

It is one step forward and two back at times and all those emotions your right its such a mix I feel like my heads going to explode sometimes.

I can only completely relax when he’s not here

Im worried how it will all end as I’m on this journey and there’s no going back , I just can’t imagine the words coming out my mouth,  asking him to leave as I know what his reaction will be and I’m scared what it might be.  Everytime I think of it I panic I just want someone to take over and for me to be out of the way when it happens – I don’t suppose that’s a thing lol .

I feel like I’m almost ready I just need to prepare for the fall out and the final argument!

Thank you all for ccommenting it really helps to  see the bigger picture.

[Justwokenup]

I’ve also started having weird sensations where the areas that have previously been bruised feel numb or swollen.  I cant describe it really ,  I also find myself day dreaming of past instances and start panicking

What’s wrong with me !

[Justwokenup]

Yes I’ve been trying to do that, I want to see if I can get an order in place before I ask him to leave incase it doesn’t go well

Ive looked at my finances and I’m trying to ensure that I can afford all of our commitments so I don’t have to rely on anything from him as that’s the first thing he’ll withhold . I know the order protects things like joint bank accounts etc so he won’t be able to move my funds out with the order in place . I already have a protective marker on the house and with the mortgage lender,  I did that when I first left .

Im going to start hiding stuff away and I have my important paper work and passport s etc in my work bag so I can take it with me if I have to leave . I have diaries of dates and what’s happened including photos plus screens shots of the stuff he did on social media and the emails and messages he sent plus the police report when my friend called the police

Now all I need is the courage and conviction to follow it through and get outside help.

The amout of times I sit there thinking this is crazy,  I should just be able to say this isn’t working please leave !!

• I keep thinking I’ve made it all up and it’s not that bad because this isn’t me I’m not being manipulated , im not being abused I’m over reacting . Then something else happens or I read something on here and I think actually this isn’t normal . To worry about how long I’m down the shops or when to tell him I’ve arranged to go out with friends looking for the best mood to mention it – that’s not right and I can’t do this anymore.

 

I feel like I’m going crazy do I need counselling?

[Justwokenup]

I couldn’t do it once I’d said he needs to leave if he doesn’t go I’d have to there’s no way i could stay under the same roof . I’m hoping to be able to buy him out too. I cant imagine being brave enough to ask him to leave to be honest the aftermath just terrifies me !

I’d have somewhere to go with my youngest son my friend has a spare room but my middle son who’s still living at home wouldn’t be able to come and the thought of him being on his own with his dad kills me.

I left for (number removed by Moderator) weeks around (number removed by Moderator) months ago and it was awful . He put nasty things on social media with friends, family and work groups, sent threatening messages , text email and through messanger . Cancelled my phone contract , took all the money out of our bank and conveniently lost my car keys. He threatened to throw out or break all my personal belongings and then sent me flowers and love notes begging me to come back.

He refused to see his (detail removed by Moderator) son saying it would upset him too much ( upset my husband not his child). And then threatened to take him out of school and not give him back.

Then whilst I wasnt there he turned up at my friends house demanding to take his son (who was in bed) . And when they refused he got that aggressive and threatening they had to call the police.

I only agreed to move back as my youngest needed his home and on the understanding that we’re in seperate rooms as seperated people .

Every time he asks me if I want to seperate Ive said yes he gets upset and aggressive and we start again nothing moves forward- he doesn’t ask anymore 😒 .

He’s said he’ll financially ruin me if we seperate , all the credits in my name loans etc and if he clears out the account when my wages go in they won’t get paid, I work in (sector removed by Moderator) and I can’t get bad credit i wouldn’t get employed again. He knows that – he’s also said he wants enough to buy outright as he doesn’t want a mortgage so he doesn’t care if his credit ratings rubbish as he wont need it to be good.

He’s been verbally and physically abusive since I’ve got back despite being in councilling and saying he’s trying his best. He’s thrown things , broken items with sentimental meaning , bitten me , tipped drinks over me when he’s pushed me to the floor. He picked a knife up out the kitchen and started waving it about the one time. Im not sure what his intentions were ! When I wash up I always think about that and hide it on the drainer !

To keep safe I just carry on and it’s killing me but I’m stuck. I’d have to have him gone and not be able to come back near the house ,or me to feel safe . I’d be listening out for his key in the lock.

I ideally want an enforcement order put in place to protect me before I could muster up the courage to ask him to leave and even then I don’t know if I could 🙁

[Justwokenup]

That should be house not horses 😒

[Justwokenup]

@bannaboat I had to chuckle when I looked up FOG. It fits exactly!!

I have some much guilt thinking I should leave and I dont know why. His main thing is that he isn’t well and I should be looking after him , that I’m not sympathetic enough !! Given his past treatment is that a surprise. Why would I want to be kind and loving to someone who has been abusive?

I have no idea why im finding so difficult to do the final step and break up – all the reason to stay aren’t the right ones. House finances feeling sorry for him that he will loses everything ! Ive put him first throughout our entire relationship and look where that got me !

I’ve read up on trama bonds and I think this must be why . I look at him and know I don’t love him so regardless of everything else that should be enough!! I have this urge to protect him and make sure he’s OK which is ridiculous given the past !! I never used to think about past instances but most days now it’s all I think about something will trigger a memory of an instance that I’d hidden away and it makes me look at him I’m a different way.

And its not even the physical violence as this has subsided as we’ve got older – its the other behaviour that i didn’t realise until joining this group was also abusive!!

I dont feel like i can be my true self around him as to much has happened in the past !!  We don’t really speak and past experience has taught me to not tell him anything of importance or my fears etc as he uses it against me later on.  I dont trust him to make a chance and stick with it and I dont think I ever will.

In one of our arguments he said don’t tell me my past behaviour has cost me the love of my life !! Really !! If I was the love of his life why would he treat me like that in the first place? He’s let me down so many times this last effort of his to change is meaningless.

 

[Justwokenup]

Im maybe be slightly ahead but you’ll get there @sadandalone.

I truly believe it is a process you have to follow from realising it’s not right to getting away !!

Trust the process and keep following it no matter how long it takes !

Whether to start with it’s connecting on here or just reading other’s experiences.  Keep going and when the times right you’ll be ready to reach out for external help.

Keep reminding yourself it’s not you and look forward to the day your free – these things that bind us to these men aren’t important houses , finances , company,  what ever it is isnt as important as being your true self and being safe !!

Im trying to get iver that part myself lol I love my horses and everything in it but is this a reason to stay unhappy !!

 

[Justwokenup]

Thanks for your reply Bananaboat , you’re right I’m trying to Mental prepare to either leave or ask him to.  Im not sure if can do it on my own . Everytime I think of it i  panic, I also roll between is it that bad and he’s really trying to sort things out to this won’t ever be what it should be . I cant forget the past and know the future will be more of the same merri go round .  I cant live under these restrictions anymore and I know that he’s only ok as I’m fitting in with what he wants me to do 
How did you do it,  if you dont mind me asking ?

[Justwokenup]

Im the same as you , im determind 2025 will be my year.  Im slowly planning things and my husband has no idea.  I feel so guilty,  like I’m fooling him, but I cant do this anymore.  Like your partner he’s being nicer than usual as he knows im not happy and want to leave the marriage and it starts putting doubts in your mind like have I imagined it !!

It sounds like your further along than me and I’m so excited for you !!

Imagine that first night in your new home knowing you’ve done it !!

Keep us posted xx

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