Twisted Sister

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Jane14

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find it a helpful and supportive place to be and well done for finding your way around enough to make a post.

Can you say a bit more about what it is you are trying to do, when you say ‘join an actual group?’

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

also of note is that some never leave, never left, maybe never had support to, or just never had support of any kind, completely isolated in the abuse.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello RelearningMe

All of that is so bad for you, and your cat. I would remove your cat to a place of safety whilst you decide how to go on with your situation, and perhaps tell him you’ve rehomed it permanently because it was upsetting him so much you couldn’t bear it anymore, which does sound like you say you are feeling. Do you have a friend who would take it in whilst you make decisions about your own safety and future?

It’s very common perpetrator behaviour to use pets (and children) to hurt and make you do as they want. The poor cat isn’t doing anything wrong, just doing what cats do yes, but everyone will discourage cats from clawing their carpets and furniture I would have thought, but you can’t do more than you are doing.  Having a few of those cheap cardboard scratchy boards about the place might encourage scratching in the places you want, as if they have nowhere they can scratch they will have to scratch something to keep their claws healthy.  A harmless water mister sprayed might discourage more when they use anywhere else?

Good luck with your decisions.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Sad and alone

I would say for me, I stayed for years more than I felt I should have, in hindsight, and the more years the more damage to us. I often wonder if I’d had good support and understanding of what was happening I would have left earlier, a lot, but there’s also levels of vulnerability, exhaustion, finances, and fear of literally not knowing what leaving would be like after, that are mountains to climb.

In short, everyone’s point is different, there are so many weighty factors to take into account, and sometimes it can be one look from him that pushes you over the edge, a violent episode, or a realisation and dawning of your own. It can be sudden or involve lengthy planning. The important factor is that you have come to that point and you are ready to go, there isn’t a right or wrong.  It’s good to have a ‘flight bag’ packed though, in case you do have to suddenly leave, with the essentials, especially if you have children, and it doesn’t have to stay in your home, it could be with a friend or family member, and keep your phone on you at all times in case you need to call for help, perpetrators are very keen to notice any changes in attitudes and behaviours, as we all know, so keep it very much on the low down as you make your plans, if and when.  I wish you all the strength and keep safe.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello ilovekats

I just wanted to say how very brave of you it is to even post here and talk about it!

That can often be the hardest step to take, the very first one.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Mw77

This sounds exhausting and highly toxic to you. Are you in contact with any of these people online, if so I would cut that contat if you can immediately. In terms of keeping yourself away from her network, if you don’t give your mother any more information (as she is not hearing your distress and spreading what you share), you can dramatically cut back on others receiving it.

Can you take your hobby to another location, join a different group, maybe even out of the area? Or, again, be very careful what you disclose to ‘strangers’ especially anyone that tries to pump you for information. You don’t have to tell anyone anything, it’s more important you feel safe going about your daily life and have peace.

You have already got yourself a new space to live in, which is a huge positive to be able to close the doors and shut it out, have a safe space to be able to relax in, but you could also block any online who would attempt to track or monitor you in any way through socials.

Keep your information to yourself, avoid divulging to those you don’t yet know are trustworthy and hopefully it will all become very boring for them! I mean if you are not giving anything out what is there for them to talk about?

If having done all you can to limit this to an absolute minimum, have you considered reporting it? It does sound like you have many instances of evidence of monitoring and stalking, and afaik you only need evidence of three incidents to demonstrate a pattern of stalking, which is of course criminal and should be taken very seriously.

I hope something helps, even just the act of you writing this out and telling us here. Keep acting to look after yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Evening Newgirl

You have done well to get this far, and manage to separate yet live under the same roof. Are you able to keep to separate bedrooms, and timetable life to avoid each other as much as possible to limit the opportunities for him to escalate, or maybe just to set a boundary of only conversing through written means, like emails, texts, to just one place? As I see that the opportunities for escalation will remain high, given that you are living in the same space, and your risk of harm is increased because of the separation and he is losing [control of] you. If you don’t have any arrangements in place for keeping yourself safe I would suggest setting this out to him by email, and making it clear that any escalation of tempers will mean you will call the police. I think given your risk at this point it would probably be a good idea to check out your situation and how to best manage your increased risks with the Womens Aid chat facility on here.

Remember you need to protect yourself psychologically as well as physically, and escalation can happen frighteningly quickly with the loss of control. Do police know that you are separated but still in the same property as they could put a marker on your address to respond quickly if you have to make a call?

I hope that you can soon be living apart, very separately and safely.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello jaker140708

It sounds like you really are in the thick of it, which is crazy difficult to manage, but you have strong good values behind you, and know your mind. There’s no getting around it, it is hellish for anyone dealing with the fallout of abusers. The one thing I can say is that once you know who they are and what to expect from them, although it’s rough to accept, it does make like a bit more manageable, and it does sound like you do know him, and what to expect, like worse than nothing!

With the knowing and expecting comes resilience to the rubbish. Set your boundaries to make you feel and keep safe, and stick to them. You will be able to create some stability and consistency in this way, for you both. I’ve found it’s not really the children they are actually interesed in, but the children are perfect little pawns for them to manipulate to create distress and chaos with. Which is why the boundaries matter so much to you both.

Make sure that he can’t get ‘into’ your life for instance, block him on your phone, meet away from your place of residence if you have to handover or better still ask a third party if you can, nominate one means of communication that you can manage and stick to it, keep all and any communication to an absolute minimum, i.e. only to arrange contact, that’s safe (for you both!). The further you can distance yourself via strong boundaries the safer you will be and feel.

We have become used to chaos and high anxiety, and distance will help ease this, bbut each contact can inflmae it rapidly again, try to prepare for that, prepare your answers as much as you can, set in your mind what’s reasonable and stick to it, and keep a log of all interactions/arrangements ready should you need them for police or court. Make sure you know your rights in terms of what you can expect in terms of asserting your own boundaries and police enforcing them. You might also find the Freedom Programme very helpful, where you can feel that you are amonst other women who understand and know the abuser score, learn their tactics, and create a network of contacts/services/supports for yourself.

I really feel for your situation right now, in the depths of it, but you can make things different for you and your daughter by arming yourself to deal with his behaviours. Make sure that you are clear with your daughter also about wrong behaviours when she witnesses them, that she knows what is safe and what isn’t, and who she can go to if needed when not with you. If you don’t feel contact is safe alone with him then set up some supervised contact. There are contact centres that can accommodate such arrangements.

Look after yourself well.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

apologies for all the typos!

”…although it’s rough to accept, it does make like a bit more manageable,…”

* life

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Calypso

Well, it’s no wonder you would hate him, given what he’s subjecting you to. No, it doesn’t help anything, but it’s good to see it for what it is as you are, and realise it’s not the healthiest of emotions for us, apart from flagging up that we need protecting from him, and making decisions based on it.

It’s a lot to consider, and it seems entirely appropriate and necessary that you would be weigning up all the pros and cons of how to best act in these circumstances, and what facing any change to them might mean for your family and you. What matters is that you are thinking about it, and you will come to your decisions in your time, and given the right time you will give yourself the best opportunity to leave once safely for good, because giving yourself the time you might need allows for realisations and options to occur, things you might not necessarily consider in a rush.

Importantly, think of the ways to keep yourself safe as possible whilst you do your deliberating, because any shift in your behaviour and attitude will be detected by him, and that increases risk for anyone planning leaving. Keep your daily stuff as normal as possible and brew your plans quietly to yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi jetjet1234

I believe you firstly.  You don’t say that there seemed to be a brief glancing touch, you state that you are 100% certain that you saw a very specific type of touch, ‘…in a cheeky manner’.  Would you have had any doubts if he hadn’t rejected your claims and told you it must have been a misunderstanding?  Did he use the word ‘misunderstanding’?  As it doesn’t fit right for me, as a way of speaking about the act you saw, and like he’s grasping at straws, not knowing how to deny his actions.

At the end of the day, how has it left you feeling about your life with him and what do you want to do about it?  Your mind can easily play tricks on you, piecing together things that you can think you have seen, but that’s often the result of having existing suspicions, and believing something is something it’s not, that he getting too close or reading feelings into his actions, but the background you give to this incident speaks of the opposite.  That you are very relaxed around his ex, have no such fears or worries about them and have in fact a very good relationship with his ex.  It sounds to me as if his action was a very particular one and not easy to ignore.  If you assume that you did see what you saw, and believe your gut feelings around this, where does this leave you?  It’s more, I would say, about how this is managed by you both, as the fallout around this will tell you about the health of your relationship, and if at the end of it all you feel you cannot trust him, I don’t know whether you would feel that you can move forward without trust.  If he owned up, took responsibility for his behaviour, held himself accountable, that might be something you could work with and make better decisions around?

It’s very shocking, unexpected and sudden, and I can understand your reaction, maybe when you are feeling calmer you can simply say that you know what you saw and want to know what his final words on it are, or leave him to respond in the face of your certainty in yourself and his actions, give him the option to open up and take accountability for his behaviour?

I completely understand why you would feel this way, and would urge you to trust yourself.  Gaslighting is incredibly harmful to you and needs seeing for what it is.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Neueranfang

It’s a huge positive that you have observed what’s happening for you around alcohol, it’s the biggest step to making a change for yourself, that, and wanting it to be different.

I wonder if a first step could be watching for the trigger points? If it’s simply touching any alcohol, then it sounds like a complete ban would be the only way forward for you, at least at this point. If something specific is triggering you it could be helpful to maybe investigate that a little further, either by yourself or with professional support. Have you read anything online about alchoholism? Like the AA website or anything, which could give you some definitions to assess yourself with, and pointers to move forward?

We all have had to find our own ways of coping, and it would be worth protecting yourself from future episodes that bring you more struggles than they relieve.

Keep strong and decide what’s best for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Incognitohuman

I am so sorry for your situation, far from home and everyone, I really feel for where this has left you. Whether it will help any I can’t know, but hope you can see how much farther ahead you are in the process than your mum is, which makes your relationship with her very complex for you to find a way to manage.   Meaning, you can see things she can’t, or can’t face, can’t look at because it would be too much for her to manage now, or before now.

You have come a long way and seen clearly for yourself what he is. It’s incredibly hard on you, having seen it all, to watch your mum still supporting him in any way.

You say that your dad wanted you to go, yet was unaware of the reason you left?  So, I’m guessing that maybe your mum does know why you left, and it’s probably best that your dad remains in the dark, in order that you keep yourselves safe.

It’s such a hard place to be, miles away from home, alone, and also emotionally distanced from your mum, because of your dad.  I hope you are managing to find some new essential support in your new area, this is vital to have connections wherever you are, and to get professional support too, maybe time for a new IDVA, someone who can be on hand for the specialist type of advice and guidance to help you.  They can connect you with lots of other services too.

I am glad you found here, and a place that you can express yourself as freely as you need to have a confidential space for you.  Keep posting and asking the questions.

Warmest wishes

ts

 

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Surviving2025

My first thought is that your children, and yourself, would have a lot more support and engagement-type activities if you were able to go into Refuge, and although life in any of these situations can be chaotic, Refuge is more actively managed with focus on protections for women and children.

Generally in a small hotel room with children you are reliant on any other spaces for guest use that may be available and outdoor space, either as part of the hotel or outdoor public spaces.  Lots of indoor crafts, and access to tv/audio, whether thats taking some of your own devices, that you can attach to the tv to watch (not trying to advocate any kind of reliance on devices and internet for children, but more of a family entertainment share viewing thing), or if you have a small dvd player that you can attach to your room telly.  Think the same as you would on any rainy day stuck indoors, but more focussed on shared entertainment whilst going through this big transition to aid closeness and sense of available support for them.  Reading I have always found to be a great positive for kids, of all ages frankly, not restricting it to just the smallies, as I’ve found even the older kids still love to relax and listen to mum reading an age appropriate adventure/story, and is great to unwinding for bed in a small space.

As for food, are you able to get any kind of single plug-in hob plate, and one multipurpose pan, there are single induction hob plates out there now that are great for heating individual and family meals provided you have the right pan, and there’s minimal risk in terms of having the intense heat of something like an electric ring, or any form of gas, so safer for a small setting, maybe a microwave? It would increase your options substantially,and very easy to steam all sorts of veg v. quickly and easily in a microwave.

There’s lots that could be useful for a small setting, but would be a huge post!  Suggest maybe source a book for living on a budget in small spaces?  Possibly research your nearest library for suggestions as to whether they have a specific category and particular recommendations.  I know many do have plenty of such resources.

Very best of luck and energy for your upcoming move and better times ahead for you all.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Hereforclarity

I’m hoping very much that in writing as you have, you will have found some way of confronting the challenges that your experience is making you live through. In many ways it often feels so much easier to have someone say that you are just being silly and it’s nothing really, but what you’ve written does hit really hard about how difficult and emotionally awful it is for you, and the sense of how impossible it is for you to cope with and keep living through.

Confronting it is hard, and you need to take your time, do it at your own pace. It’s a lot to process, and sometimes just writng it can give you clarity and release, sometimes the writing is the start of a steady process that you will need to keep revisiting, so whichever way it happens for you is what’s right for you.

You need, we all need, to be with someone who can hear when we say such things as I can’t trust you, and so on, and try to be the other person to work with you to make positive changes to build trust, or whatever the issue is.  It’s never that straightforward and definitely emotional, but not attacking and going backwards!  Should feel like steps to move forward, even if small to start with, and a sense of knowing that your partner is working at it with you to their best.  It doesn’t sound like this for you though.

I am wondering if this realisation has hit you earlier on in this relationship than it did in your previous, and that you have come a long way in fact from your last relationship in terms of seeing what’s happening, and wanting better for yourself, knowing this isn’t right and what your next step is, even if it means facing the disappointment and other consequences of the ending of this relationship.

We can never know what’s round the next corner, but at least you would be in a position to welcome it if it was a new healthy relationship?

I hope you can feel less alone now you have reached out on here, and that you have somewhere to come with these feelings, a place to write and express so you can process it all and move forward with it.  You are certainly not alone, and you won’t be the only one he treats this way, so in that sense, it’s not personal.  It’s not you, it’s him!

warmest wishes

ts

 

[Twisted Sister]

Dear LavenderLilly

Horrible headmess isn’t it, that’s the result of him and his headmessing behaviour.

I hope you can find some ways best for you to give yourself a break regularly from all the circling that goes on in your head as a result.  Listen to your gut instincts always, rather than your head trying to make sense of it, it’s nonsensical stuff of gaslighting madness!

At the end of the day, can you ever trust this man again? Regardless of any feelings and attachment you could still have with him, is he a trustworthy person with your feelings and if the answer is no then get your divorce…no need to ask, as the saying goes, just do it!

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Lilachummingbird

I can hear your fears and how difficult this is for you, and I hope that at leasst being able to post this on here you will have some sense of support and an outlet to vent your very real concerns.

I think the difficulties you have posted about will be the experience of many, who often can’t easily call help numbers, having to time things very carefully. What I would say though, is to feel in control of any call you do make by deciding for yourself what you feel ok to share and what you don’t want to share, these are your choices to make. I’ve called places and been unable to say anything and had to end the call, after having waited ages to get through! Do it however you feel most comfortable. Any worthy support services will be very aware of how paralysingly difficult placing that call can be and you should be met without judgement, pressure, but patience and understanding, and given the freedom to voice your own choice of words in your own time, at your pace. If it doesn’t feel good then you can end the call at any point, which very often has to be done for reasons of safety also and that will too be understood.

I hope you can feel comfortable to keep posting here and asking all the questions you need and can feel supported.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello I.dont.know.

I hope you are ok after this physical assault.  What you’ve described doesn’t sound like any kind of ‘play’.  Playing should be fun and safe, certainly not painful, or aggressive and physically violent.

What happened immediately after the violent physical assault was emotional blackmail.  He knew he’d done wrong and hurt you badly and instead of showing remorse, apologising and upset at himself, he’s blackmailed you into feeling potentially worried about how he is, with threats of suicide!

You need to know that his threats of suicide are not your responsibility, they are his reaction to gain back control of the situation knowing that he was actually at fault.  Take his threats of suicide seriously and pass them to professionals to help him, by contacting the police who will do any necessary referrals and follow up to get him the help he may need.  Whether he wants to take the help is his choice, but you are not the one best qualified to support him through his suicide risk, and it will only be his choice if he decides to go through with this, and not your responsibility.

Look after yourself and try to see the lines or boundaries between what’s down to him, and what’s down to you and grow them.  He’s showing you who he really is, try to hear and see him for who he is and what he is trying to do to you.

Are you able to get medical help for the physical injuries he caused you?

Warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello nbumblebee

So sorry for this experience at the hands of a ‘safe, trusted, support’.  Sadly this is happening everywhere, it won’t just be you, this is why we have policies and procedures around safe-guarding and reporting such exploitation by persons in positions to exploit such as this.  You will not be alone in being exploited this way, or in feeling in some way grateful or pleased/excited at someone showing ‘interest’ or ‘care’ for you.  It is grooming and highly exploitative.  This is a classic example of what can happen to vulnerable women, and he should not be in practice. It isn’t your fault that he has exploited you this way, and it definitely always leads to the feelings that you are also suffering with.  Anyone that’s been abused is vulnerable to be exploited this way as their partner has skewed their beliefs about what’s normal and right.  He is the one in the position of authority here, and it’s for him to draw boundaries, and he’s been treating you this way (blowing continually hot and cold according to what suits him, picking you up and dropping you again, sound familiar?).  Again, I am sorry he’s done this to you and for how it’s left you feeling.  You see how he tells you it’s all your fault?   Takes no accountability for his behaviour in exploiting a vulnerable woman who just wants to be supported and in need of strong boundaries around them?

You know what he’s done is wrong, and not your fault. I hope you can feel your strength and know that you have so much to offer in any relationship, and can build your boundaries to keep you safe.

You don’t have to have any reason to leave a relationship.  If it doesn’t feel right for you, in any way, you have the choice and power to leave, no explanations or justifications.  Justifications and explanations are their hook to hold you locked in for ever, just go, whenever you want, whenever you feel like, just because you want to. No matter how many times you may have tried before, you can go again, and you have wanted to for years, that’s your voice telling you what you need.  You don’t have to tell anyone anything.  Thinking of you and hoping you can be kind to yourself and give yourself the breaks you need.

warmest wishes

ts

 

[Twisted Sister]

you absolutely are worth so much more, regardless of whether you can know and feel that right now.

I am so glad at you feeling sick of his behaviour, that’s a girl, you go!!

Keep at it, and freeze him out of your life completely.  When people we act as friends to, start to treat us as an enemy, by hurting, no matter through what means, it’s time to stop treating them as a friend, end any kindnesses and considerations, just saying no and walking away is enough.

It is ok to stop talking to someone, and it’s ok to break relationships that make you upset in any way, you don’t have to keep trying to make it work, you will still be worthy as a woman, you will still be a decent and good person.  The toughness you target yourself with belongs with the enemy causing the harm.  You can be ok, and accept that they are not ok, their behaviour is not ok, and now you have told him.  I expect he was pretty shook that you put a block in his way!   Go you!

If you need to message him, perhaps write them all down, every time you get the urge just write it down, wait a little then look at it again, convert every urge to reach out to him into writing it down somewhere safe.

I wouldn’t advocate writing it on here, but you can obviously keep writing out how you are feeling and needing to do on here as much as you want.  If you wanted somewhere to send it you can always pm me, and let me know if you want a reply or for me to just read /or not/delete, or if you have another account to send it to, or safe place to write it down.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

I’m glad you feel heard and somewhat validated, yes, that can make a huge difference even without doing anything else.

As for whether you report it, that is all under your control of course, to do if and when you feel ready or not.  I am not sure what statute of limitation may be on stalking, but would be worth knowing. I am pretty sure that lots of historical abuse can be reported, including that reported by adults that was suffered as children.  Might be worth having a look for the stalking limits so that you know if there is a deadline. It doesn’t mean you have to do anything, but you would at least know if that were to expire, it often helps to focus the mind when there’s a deadline for a decision.  It’s important to know that there could well be escalating from any action and be prepared for that also, so you do well to know this for yourself and act in the best way to keep you safe and peaceful!

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Here you are, this is a link to the page on the .gov website, that has the form to complete (for NMO or Occupation Order), along with separate documents all listed for your supporting statement (that goes with the form), and all the supporting notes to help you complete it.  It’s free afaik

NMO here

Good luck with it all, and well done with all you’ve managed so far.

Ask if you have any further questions.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Hazydayz

It’s all free online on the .gov website.  The forms are there, and all the instructions.  I will try find a link for you as CAB can take forever and will likely just refer you on to somewhere else anyway that will have to go through a claim for Legal Aid, etc.

Will post back here with anything I find for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Well done!!!

That’s amazing, and all the more so because you achieved that despite all the horrible stuff you are going through.

When you stop expecting that he will be nice, you will be accepting who he is.   Look for your supports and love elsewhere, he constantly shows you who he is, but right now it matters to you that he is the one that tells you this, when you need this for yourself, to know inside your own value.  This is hard though given how he’s ground you down so much that you cannot hold any value for yourself.

You deserve more, and are certainly no idiot, this is the result of his abuse to you, and I’m sorry how bad it is for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

oh yes, Cherries, I have heard that one mentioned before too, and also hadn’t really heard the lyrics in that way before, but once you know you can’t hear it any other way.  It’s like the abuse more generally, like once you take of your rose-tinted glasses you can’t not see it, isn’t it!

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

You are very loved, and supported, but it can be almost to feel that when so overwhelmed with the horrors the abuse hits you with.  You know that you have good friends who do love and care and see how you suffer with him, your children also, it’s just you that needs to really see, really hear, and truly feel that, because it is there for you, just not from him where you are so desperate to get it.

Work is something that everyone has a right to, to be financially self-supporting and experiencing the benefits of, the satisfaction and sense of achievement that comes from work too, not just the money it brings that gives you some financial freedom. Those you work with give you huge positive feedback, and want more from you, that should also be telling you how amazing you really are, no matter what horrible abusive messages you get from him.

I know how hard it is to believe in yourself, even years after leaving abuse it’s hard, but when you are receiving this continually in real time day after day, from someone you are so tightly bound to, how can you keep fighting it, but you must.  Just because his opinion matters to you thats a very different thing from him being actually right about what he’s saying to you.

It’s not an easy thing removing the toxic people from your life but at least once they are gone there is peace from it and a chance to start thinking differently especially about your own value, you are valued so much, but it’s you that needs to see/hear/feel that for yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

Being lonely, needing supportive company and close connections are all normal.  It’s not about you being bad or never learning, the fallout that you are feeling (bad, and never learning) is the result of the abuse at his hands.  What you have just described is him gathering you up supportively and then dropping you from a great height again, and it’s just the worst feeling when you hit the ground so hard yet again.  Metaphorically, incredibly bruising, painful and hard to get up again from.   This is a highly toxic cycle that is played out for all of us, and it is his behaviour that’s toxic, not you suffering on the receiving end of it.

I hope that you can hear this and give yourself the sympathy and empathy you need right now, the same as I know you give in spades to everyone else here in for their situations.   The double-edge of this knife is that the damage caused us makes it almost impossible to give this to ourselves as we are so wrung out and lost belief in ourselves all we have left is belief in others and empathy for them.  Try to be kind on you, keep your energies for yourself and not for those who don’t deserve your efforts.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Fallingleaves

I am sorry you are struggling with so much that previously you felt you were managing fine with.  These things have a nasty habit of bubbling up don’t they, especially just as life is on a more even keel and we starting relaxing and feeling safer.

The chaos that we leave behind can take a while to unpick and process and can so easily overwhelm and hit hard.  Be as gentle with yourself as you can during these phases, the brain can get on with processing a lot without us necessarily having to actively do anything, it’s just a roller-coaster whilst it’s going on isn’t it!  Look after yourself during such times, do as much relaxing as is possible in any way you can find, don’t overstretch yourself and do all you can to be involved with the people and activities you most love.  Anyone that’s been through abuse has lived with chaos and the high anxiety that goes with it, often meaning we do stuff that’s very out of character, but, at the end of the day, abusers abuse, and the survivors just have to survive it as best we can, our choices get limited, and we are often in desperate places, try to let this stuff go. It takes time, but you can find your answers and come to a place of acceptance of your own personal chaotic experience and your reactions to it. It’s normal to feel bad about any bad stuff we do, and we have to come to terms with it, whatever it is.  Remember, survivors are not perfect people, we come in all flavours!

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

You are so welcome, just hope it helps somehow to see the other side in terms of what they are doing to you.  You have seen it, and it’s destroying you love.

If you feel ready to talk about ways of leaving you know that we’ll all be here for you, and so are WA to chat through options and means of stepping away, from either or both.

It’s up to you if this is what you really want to do, when you are ready to.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

We are all horribly familiar with that feeling of stupid, and sadly, also that lifting you up, only to throw you back down. It’s a toxic cycle, and not what you are doing to anyone.

It’s too much, for anyone!  To have two men in your life trying to connect in to your emotions for them, then abusing what you give to them. A horribly toxic place to exist.

Can you find a replacement for him?  Go cold turkey and use another provider instead?  He has been crossing boundaries and abusing that for a long time, but I know how hard this can be to separate yourself from when you feel so in need of loving support which you have felt he has been offering at times.  This is why he is able to lock you in the way he has, exploiting your vulnerabilities, and is so harmful to you.

You know you have many skills and positives you can take to other people in your life, and those who would help you and wish you better for yourself in your life.

His wife can’t be having a great life with him either, as it won’t just be you he treats so awfully, honestly.  It’s never personal with these types, it’s just who they are…a dead end really.

Sending loves and supports to you.

warmest wishes

ts

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