Twisted Sister

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Bulbssprouting

Feeling sorry for someone is never reason to be with them, and when I held onto this I believe it gave me clarity, a lot.

Also, he’s not your friend, he showed you he was your enemy that you need protection from.

Hold your head high and move beyond any guilt, step away and forwards and leave it behind, you did all you humanly could, but it was never going to work, you were never going to be able to fix him.

Lastly, but not least, you didn’t ‘let’ him, although you could be hanging onto responsibility for his abuse, it takes a multitude of interacting tactics, gaslighting and grooming to put you, a strong successful woman in the place he put you. You were just being human and were exploited. No conman’s victim is at fault. Scamming is on the rise, it’s the scammers fault,always, and it’s criminal.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

IDK what to think about this, but the legalities around someone else putting bills in your name, without your knowledge or agreement. I won’t say specifically what, but I was the one made liable for paying for something I’d never heard of, and I couldn’t cancel it, despite never having agreed to it.

I’m sure this must be something that others do, but I never fail to feel shocked at this level of forcing me to do things to make his way happen. I suppose I never really knew who he is. This seems like a criminal act to me, maybe an overreaction, but I feel sure others have had this done to them, and I’m still shocked at how companies will do this without any recourse legally surely, to get payment under the terms of the contract, but it still scary trying to shake them and their threatening letters off even if they wouldn’t necessarily have a legel leg to stand on.

It might be helpful to have some idea where to go with this kind of problem.

Thanks

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Overcome

I feel your pain, and totally understand the awful impact this is having on you all. I fear you have been lulled by him into a false sense of security that all was well and everyone happy now, newly settled into new relationships and moving on, so even more of a shock that this cruelty starts towards your children and you. It is abuse to them, what he’s doing, and he risks his own children’s bond with their one and only mother. It’s unforgiveable.

To deal with it I would be raising their awareness of tactics that are abusive. This is not to mention him in any way, but to make them aware via other means of totally unacceptable things that can happen to anyone. As an example, you might say that you remember a friend when you were children who told you how upsettting it was to hear her father saying such dreadful things about her mother, after her parents split, or get them some reading material, talk about Disney dads and how materialistic it makes children. How children are vulnerable to ‘treats’ and so on. Open their eyes to abusive tactics so that they can see what he’s doing for themselves, but don’t mention his name, and they will decide for themselves. I had some horribly upsetting revelations come to light as a result of such idle chats and discussions. There might be age appropriate films that would be good to watch that demonstrate these things to them.

It’s also important to put in boundaries, and stick to your guns when they are crossed, as hard as that may be.

I hope you find some sound legal advice and support around managing your children through this further abuse. They are being used as pawns, and it’s very bad for their wellbeing.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi wildgeese

You could let the girlfriend know that you have all access channels from him blocked, and the same applies to third-parties also that he might try to manipulate into breaking through, and perhaps she might consider why you have had to go to those lengths? If there is any further contact you will be reporting to the police as harrassment from him via a third party?

Otherwise, ignore, but you do have options if there are further contact efforts.

I hope you and your children can have continued peace without further triggers from him, but it’s important to act to protect where you need to put a stop to it in order for you to all have that peace you deserve.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Bananaboat

It’s so rough on them isn’t it, and rough on you too watching what it does to them and knowing how best to keep picking them up, but they know you are there for them. Hold tight to your boundaries so it’s clear to them who is doing what, and I find at times of disruption routine helps them. Trying to make other regular events, friends over, out with activities and so on, then it somehow, although big, does give a better balance to their overall week by week.

I struggle with how children say ‘no’ to abusers, how they say ‘no’ to court, how they tell strangers about how awful their father is to them, or even how to acknowledge what they have come to know as normal as even being awful. I try to take the line of showing them reasonable behaviours, but when they are scared, and I know how hard it can be say something as simple as ‘no’, because of consequences.

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Swanlake

I have had much of this kind of thing happening, and it still is. My understanding as regards bank accounts is that either signatory can makes changes without requiring the signature, or authorisation, of both, and I wonder if this would be the case on a mortgage also. I am under serious threat, as a result, financially, and it seems nowhere can help.

A lot of pathways offered to survivors do seem to lead to the inevitable Legal Aid issues, and Legal Aid, if approved, seem to also claim back any financial awards made to the survivor, so you still end up in a loss situation on top of all the stress, and trauma facing it all again.

I also saw that they don’t allow users to reject site cookies, only to accept their use by using their web page it’s assumed.

I don’t want to derail the discussion thread here though, and hope that you manage to find ways of challenging his behaviour legally, it’s not an easy path is it.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

I can’t find their registered office, or whether they only respond regionally. Has anyone reading used them and would know this?

TIA

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lisa and many thanks for your reply. It’s good to see there is an organisation that anyone can go to for this type of abuse specifically.

best wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hi smallbutbrave

The trick is to stop believing them. You believing him when he says it’s all your fault, it’s always your fault, and so on, just isn’t true. In a normal world this kind of blaming doesn’t happen, but it has become, over time, your normal, and that means it’s kind of set itself up inside you as your own belief to a greater or lesser degree. It’s this that you will have to be strong in fighting against. Just becuase he says something is your fault, you now know that it’s unlikely to be,especially when you can’t see how and his accusations don’t make any sense.

The awful behaviour he knows is wrong and it’s designed to intimidate you into doing what he wants.

I remember finding it incredibly hard to believe that he would deliberately doing stuff just to frighten me, but when I looked closer I realised he did know, some of his words made sense, because he knew. He knew what he was doing all along, and that made a lot of his behaviour make sense. The manufactured anger.

Believe in yourself and trust your gut when it tells you something’s not right, and that you are scared, they are warning signs.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Keep counting those blessings (tips in your purse)! 🙂

Life should become a lot more predictable for you now, and the edgey feelings over expecting fights and the usual abuse will gradually subside. Your body and mind have got used to living this way, gearing up and adrenalising in readiness, and it will adjust. Turn to things that you find calming so that your mind and body get some down time too, this will help redress the balance for you, help with sleep and so on. It could be running, or just having a swing a the park, reading, a mindful activity, it’s whatever you find particularly relaxing.

So glad that you have protections from further contact, this will make a massive difference to your recovery from it.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

This is such great news to celebrate, well done, Happybelle!

Expect that you will miss him, and grieve the loss of all your hopes and dreams that were wrapped up in what your thought was the relationship and the man you hoped he would be, but remember, he wasn’t.

Keep reminding yourself that you wouldn’t have been driven to this point it it hadn’t been for his awful behaviour, and celebrate your freedom, every, single, day 🙂

Pamper yourself, and take space for yourself. So if you get any kind of message accustom yourself to not looking at it for a set time, a day, or three, whatever is best for you.

Keep strong, and keep him at arms length, far away from you, whilst you heal from his pains upon you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

childish behaviour and abuse don’t belong in healthy arguments. It’s about listening, and being able to put your own opinion forward without fear. I would imagine that in a new future relationship you would have to go through that fear barrier to realise there was nothing to fear in expressing your view, and how pleasant that someone heard it without trying to deny it, shout it down and various other tactics that you have become used to.

This would be a good tactic for testing any new relationships, and yourself, being brave enough after what you have experienced to disagree with a new partner, and watch their response, it will tell you all you need to know about them.

Takes some undoing, decades of experiencing abuse, but at least it can be over quickly once you completely separate and cut off from him in every conceivable way.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

I don’t think it’s paranoia when he speaks so inappropriately instead of therapy specific, it is a red flag saying stuff like I bet she’s pretty or such personal comments, and you can say this, that the way he is behaving around this is wholly inappropriate and weird and it’s telling you exactly what he’s after.

The other possibility, and also fairly likely if I know abusers tactics at all, is that he’s banking on this making you jealous. IDK what his general demeanour is at the moment, it could be that he’s feeling a need to unbalance you and make you feel like you should be chasing after him, begging him and so on. When I’ve felt I’ve been goaded this way, I’ve ignored it regardless of how it made me feel because they are looking to provoke this insecurity in you,and get a reaction. I think I’d just say that if he went somewhere to carry on like he’s talking about, to not expect you to be physically close again.

Keep looking after yourself.

Warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

I’d say prioritising your needs is always a good call 😉 and I’m sure much needed.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

You know, you don’t have to forgive or forget anything, especially not to salvage a relationship that hyas pushed you to points of seriously doubting your sanity and cuasing you such harm in every way. You are not responsible for this, and you can be hard and tell him it’s over if that’s what you want, as you are not responsible for him. He has made you responsible for him, but you are not his mother, not his carer, but a separate adult to him, and make your own decisions. We should never stay with someone because we feel guilty, or because we feel sorry for them. We should stay because it makes us feel good to be around this person, because we are happy around them, enjoy time with them, and pull together through the tough times, communicating and supporting each other, these are the every day things that matter. If isn’t what we have even if we love them, it makes us miserable, and is not working.

I think oftentimes people don’t know what to say to help and want to help, want you to be happy, even want you to leave, but they are not in the relationship and cannot make that move. You know how they feel even if they don’t keep on saying it, you have had support and those words given you to already, and it doesn’t take them away because you don’t still always hear them, they meant them I’m sure, and can see what he’s doing to you, as can you.

You have your dream, you can make it reality too, if that’s what you truly want. We’ll be here all we can, believe in yourself, you do have strength andyou are very capable but just remember he is not your responsibility, and whether he’s trying or not, that’s not your responsibility either, he’s chosen to do that, for now.

warmest wishes

ts

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