Forum Replies Created
3rd April 2021 at 12:35 am #124216
I think very little is known about the extremes of hell that some women are pushed to when they arrive at that point where to walk away from their children seems the only or best way out.
Its also very common for abusive fathers to threaten women until they leave the children, and divide children from the bond with their mother, and mother from child. parental alienation is very common for abusers, and it sometimes, maybe often, irreversible.
Are you ok? do you feel this way?
31st March 2021 at 1:14 am #124037
we can all see who the pervert is here. I am so sorry hes violated you this way. i hope you can heal and nail the pervert.
10th August 2020 at 10:39 am #111817
I wish I had this information before the travesties we went through.
There are ways to protect your baby from him, try contacting Rights of Women, coram children’s legal centre, justice for women, and express your concerns to your gp.
You need to go as soon as possible, alone, to register your baby.
Keep your pregnancy quiet and only tell a very trusted few when you give birth.
He will try to get information from your family and friends, warn them of this. He will likely cry and try to emotionally blackmail them for information about you and the pregnancy/baby.
Don’t post on social media, and block him/his friends, from all of yours.
Have you called WA for their advice?
Its shocking that this man is still out there abusing women and making babies!
Its very likely you could apply for a non-mol order against him to protect you both, based on the disclosures and his behaviour and future threat to you both.
Warmest wishes to you
10th August 2020 at 10:19 am #111814
I am so sorry to hear what a horrible time you are having in your life right now with this man.
Please keep talking on here and everywhere you can while you work through your thoughts and decisions to head for a much better life.
What he thinks is not relevant to what you actually deserve. Its in his interests to keep you feeling you don’t deserve better. You won’t be the first or last woman here to be told they wouldn’t find anyone better! 😆. Or that you aren’t good enough and dont deserve a better.life than what he subjects you to.
What you think of yourself, and what he thinks are two very different and unrelated things.
What helped me was to know that whatever anyone does, they don’t deserve abuse, no matter who they are, and that I realised I wouldn’t do what he is.
I bet you wouldnt either.
The only thoughts that matter to you are your own, thinking about what you need to be happy. You already know how unhappy he’s making you, and he feeds your bad thoughts, thats very toxic for you.
Anyway, I just wanted to see you some good thoughts for you today, just for you, and for you to know that noone deserves this treatment, and his thoughts, because of his abusive treatment of you, are not your friend. He’s not your friend, not someone you can trust with your heart and mind.
Trust the women here, and keep reaching out.
I am at a loss as to why a support service would tell you they are not there to discuss your feelings, when processing this is necessary for your sanity and decision-making. Do you have a gp you feel comfortable to confide in? They may be a great source of help and keep on touch with you.
I hope that you are feeling more positive about what you can do to change your life, you can, ypu just need to believe this could really happen.
Sending you hugs and strength today, and every day.
8th August 2020 at 1:39 am #111746
8th August 2020 at 1:32 am #111744
I can’t see how being separated and living together can work. I’ve never heard any good came of it, only horrendous tales.
Anything I said would have riled him, I avoided him like the plague, but that also riled him. I just couldn’t have said anything that didn’t.
Good luck for getting him out.
12th October 2019 at 10:09 am #89544
I think your reaction is a completely normal, and natural way of protecting and looking after yourself because of your experiences.
This is a common effect of domestic abuse on women and children.
Why would you trust men after being so abused by one, knowing that many do abuse and many women and children suffer.
The key is working out who’s abusive and who’s not, something that tue freedom programme can help a lot with, as you are guided on how to see the signs, notice the tactics, and spot them early on.
Some can be the loveliest, warmest and funniest of men, then say just one thing that is a bit off,and when you’ve got yourself clued up to it, you can’t but notice. You might not say, but you will be building an accurate picture of that man, and be ready to have your suspicions further aroused, or realise it was just a one-off thing that you could ask about and hear their reasoning.
Its a slow process, but, it does depend whats hapened and how its impacted on you as to how manageable that is for you.
Be kind to yourself and notice the different behaviours and voices around you.
Remember also, that a lot of this only becomes apparent behind closed doors, when you see the real person you’re shut in with. Hopefully now, because of your natural reactions, you will really know another time before getting to that stage.
I’ve heard it said many times that you go through a stage of thinking everything is abuse, but it does pass, thats part of your trauma response.
12th October 2019 at 9:47 am #89543
I feel a bit sick and quite upset (all over again),that when I talked to my children about contributing our losses to this project, I was immediately told/reminded about the loss also of a dearly loved pet, who lost their life as part of our experiences.
That one experience alone, broke us all.
(I don’t think I could add that on now as the survey is ‘done’ for me once I clicked on ‘done’
11th October 2019 at 2:58 pm #89510
Its brave of you to post about auch a difficut subject, and one many do steuggle with, often feeling guilt for their quality of parenting when being abused.
However, you say your daughter is away from him. With that in mind ot seems you are protecting her.
Its you thats not being protected.
Its not as easy as simply stepping away is it.
Its about escaping the emotional clutches of someone that often becomes the only source of any interaction in your life that you are all at once both scared of and very attached to.
Its as toxic as alcholism, or drug addiction, in its harmful effects and feeling of addiction and pain upon withdrawal
The pain does stop though once you withdraw, not straightaway, but giving yourself the time and care to do that, and staying strong, which for you might mean setti g a very clear boundary that he’s never to come to your family home again and making it clear if he breaks it your next step would be a non mol against him and that you would inform the police.
These can feels like overly strong measures,but as all women will tell you,its the only way to really break free so you can grow yourself back again!
Do keep posting and letting us know how you go.
11th October 2019 at 2:48 pm #89509
I really hope the responses give a hard-hitting portrayal of what women and children experience as a result of domestic abuse.
I’ve never looked at it this way, although of course have realised some of the things that are now lost to us as a result of the perpetrator.
It was quite something to actually see it written down like this.
Thank you for the opportunity.
26th September 2019 at 12:10 pm #88713
Oh well done you!
Yes, absolutely this could be very likely on him.
Only you know what impact he had on you, but that you blamed yourself for at the time.
If you can’t eat properly, regularly, sleep properly, relax fully and have calmness in your home, this will all impact. If there is physical trauma to your body this can bring on early labour, or impact the developing foetus
As already said, missing medical checks can allow serious issues to go unnoticed that will affect baby and you.
So glad you are out, and that you can see it for everything that it is.
I hope you get to say everything that you need to at the review, and that they actually hear you and act. I would write it aswell as saying it,and hand it over at the end as evidence of your experiences, they can’t ignore it as easily then.
26th September 2019 at 12:01 pm #88711
I think perhaps, to be clearer, I should maybe have said that them not seeing it is what will impact upon their future relationships.
Seeing it for what it is, and they maybe already feel, but don’t understand, will impact negatively on their mental and emotional well-being.
Not easy, keep posting
26th September 2019 at 11:55 am #88710
26th September 2019 at 11:36 am #88708
I’ve pasted a link below for you, hope it helps as its what social workers and domestic abuse workers, police, etc use to explain how domestic abuse works.
Its a series of wheels, and you’ll be able to recognise in them all the elements of what you have suffered.
Sent link to you via pm
NPD can only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and applies to a very small portion of the population. Certainly not all who show narcissistic traits are narcissists, or abuse women.
We cannot blame mental illness and psychiatric conditions for domestic abuse. It supports the idea that there are excuses for abuse, like mental illness, or alcoholism, and so on. As abusers will so commonly, when it suits them, use these ‘excuses’ to blame their abusive choices on, it hides the abuse and draws sympathy from survivors.
Although,I know, its a label very commonly thrown around at the moment by the inqualified and very misleading.
All the services you will need, are trained around domestic abuse and will speak, or should do, the language of domestic abuse, to help you.
Also, another great resource is the freedom programme. If you are looking to understand what is going on and how it makes you feel which is a great way to recover, the freedom programme is so helpful.
Really hope this helps you on your journey. Once you see it and your eyes are open, they never close!
26th September 2019 at 11:30 am #88707
My fear is that they will think that their family life has been something other than they thought and/or it will impact on their future relationship
You have it in one. This is an excellent way to approach it, because it has been living in a fog, (fear obligation guilt).
You love him, or loved him. Its an important part of separating psychologically from parents to see their flaws.
Yours and his. Stick to facts, be open and honest.
Without this, there’s every possibility that they are minimising and making it all something it isn’t. Living a lie of a life, which isn’t fair.
Use factual examples of how he undermines you, how e blames you for everything, etc.
You dont have to say he’s doing it to them. They will.see the parallels gor themselves, if they are ready to.
I have also said that I feel guilt for wishing I could have protected them better, but being abused messed with my head and tied my hands.
Yes, its a lot to process, but it’s their decision, let them hear the truth of your experience with him.
You are not lying, or manipulating.
This information will help them to protect themselves.
Give yourself plenty of time to prepare for this conversation, for the emotional fallout, and get yourself some support too.
Keep posting for support here and let us know how you all are after.