Lavenderlou

[Lavenderlou]

Hi. When I was reading your post I thought to myself ‘have I written this post?’ My partner did exactly the same to me. I text to say it was over and explained in a really long message why and how I felt etc and I may as well not have bothered – it made no difference, he didn’t acknowledge any of the things I said or feelings I had explained. He rang and text, emailed, insisting I see him and take him back, he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, wanted to care for and look after me, nurture me
. Couldn’t stand the thought of me being alone, coming home from work to an empty house, had thought of asking me to get engaged etc, etc, after a while I gave in, it seemed easier and I let him come to see me. He told me he had made my mind up for me and we were getting back together, took me straight to bed as he said that was the best way to make up…squeezed my arm until he left marks…nothing had changed I still ended up in tears I had put myself right back where I was. I waited until I knew he was busy one night and messaged him to say I couldn’t do it and wanted to end it…his reply was that he was baffled as to why I would let him go and I haven’t heard from him again!
When asked if I had blocked his number by a friend I said I couldn’t block his number because I too felt bad and didn’t want to hurt him…I had been on the receiving end of how it felt to be ignored in the evenings so didn’t want to inflict that on him…however, when I think about it properly I know he wouldn’t hesitate to ingnore or block me if he felt like it and not care about how that would hurt me.
The only advice I can truely give is to be purely selfish and think of yourself…look after you – the best thing you can do is not reply. even if you’re trying to tell him it’s over, like I was, you’re still engaging and that’s what he wants…he won’t stop until you stop. It’s extremely hard, I know that, and I’m reading a lot about trauma bonds which is helping me understand the feelings I have.
Please take care and look after your feelings and emotions
X

[Lavenderlou]

Hi. I’m new to all this so my reply won’t be as helpful as others but I feel very similar to you – you’re being really brave with your divorce and are doing really well….what may seem small steps are actually huge strides!
I also work and have been finding that hard to keep up with, I’ve taken a few days off here and there and got myself into a little bit of trouble with HR. I also feel I’m grieving – I’m sure that’s normal? The hopes and dreams for the future just shattered -as I’ve found mine weren’t actually real in the first place. You also mention being on a long waiting list for councelling – me too, when I feel I need that the most just now as everything is so confusing.
I too think of all the times I should have walked away sooner but stayed and tried harder….I look back now and think why did I stay, what a fool I am. But I have to just put that behind me and soldier on.
You have a great username – positive and looking ahead. Please be positive and look ahead. Keep posting and best wishes…it’s lovely to hear your plans for Christmas x

[Lavenderlou]

Thanks for your reply kaza. I’m sorry we both feel so upset, it really hurts doesn’t it. I think we are having a normal reaction to such an un-normal situation and hopefully it will all get better for us. I’m guessing it’s a process of understanding it all and moving on from it – at the moment I’m not doing either of those very well, but I haven’t really given myself the time to yet. I suppose it can’t all just be undone in a matter of days when it all happened over a longer period of time, if you know what I mean.
Best wishes to you and let’s keep in touch on here -I’m sure that will help x

[Lavenderlou]

Thank you for your reply – I won’t contact her, you’ve helped me think about why I wanted to and any reply she sent, or didn’t send, wouldn’t have made anything better for me in the long run…it wouldn’t take away any of the hurt he’s caused me. He’s caused that over a period of time and I suppose I can’t expect that pain to just disappear over night when it took a while to embed in me.
You’re also right about the loneliness – I often told my partner I would be better off on my own, by myself. None of the ‘issues’ he had with me would matter then – I could just be me and not worry about the fact I was just being me. When with him I thought to myself I would rather be miserable, upset and lonely on my own rather than miserable, upset and lonely with him…and at the moment I do feel those things but like you say those feelings have a sense of peacefulness.
Thank you again for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts.

[Lavenderlou]

Thank you for your reply. I have my sons coming for Christmas lunch so that will keep me busy…it’s just when I’m alone and I start to think that it becomes overwhelming – thank you for your reassurance that it gets easier with no contact.

[Lavenderlou]

Thank you for your reply and the reading you have suggested.
I haven’t rung the helpline – I just feel like I don’t know what to say. I feel confused and so unsure of everything. I contacted my local support but am on their waiting list for help. Different emotions and memories keep washing over me and it feels overwhelming sometimes.
Thanks again for your reply x

[Author]

Posts