Lostandaloneeee

[Lostandaloneeee]

Feel like I’ve jumped back in time. And been kicked. Again
Went onto social media. Not to check up on him (after (detail removed by Moderator) weeks) but to block. Delete. Etc. I had disabled my account.
Notification came up as he was ‘depressed’ but having great fun and so much adventures with old friends
Came straight out. Didn’t even have the breath to block him/friends/family like I’d gone in to do.
He’s. Depressed? He’s. Depressed? And people are supporting him. I’m off any form of social media. Only had fb for far away friends so didn’t miss it. But wanted to get back in touch after so long and given current circumstances….but he gets to be god damned depressed and laugh about it?! Aghhhhh
I’m heartbroken. Everyday. Trying to make sense of what happened and how I feel. And raise children. Trying to breathe from day to day. And he gets that. And to laugh and joke.
I’m not sorry the notification came up. Maybe I needed to see that. To remind me the good was actually limited.
I have been romanticising. Fantasising. I thought I wasn’t. I was trying not to. But I was!
I was!
This horrible excuse for a Hunan being sexually assaulted me not very long ago. Apologised. Then told me I made it up, despite me having all his txts to say otherwise. Told me I made up him ‘kicking’ and ‘pushing’ me. Clearly never hitting. Told me I’m abusive.
He called me so many bad bad names. And shouted so loud latterly my son heard him through two doors over the phone (and not on loud speaker)
I may feel like hell right now. I may not know which way to turn. I don’t feel whole and I feel like a shell.
But that. That shows me that he is inhumane. And one day hopefully I will look back and see just how lucky I have been. Nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years. Could have been my whole life 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Sorry for the rant. I’ve nowhere else to turn. And I refuse to resort to social media 😭

[Lostandaloneeee]

Barbarafrancis I know the feeling. I have read, and am still reading, about these things, and the actual chemicals involved.

Aside from that I feel what you feel. It’s very confusing to love and miss someone you also know has done things that you really should never have tolerated. I grieve still every day at some point for the relationship. The ‘good’ part. The part that I invested so much in. The fun and loving part. That part is still hard to come to terms of letting go of. For me anyway.

I’ve cut ties. No contact for a few weeks. But I’m told he still has our picture up on messaging things. I had to put that right out of my head because that really didn’t help the old heart strings. I’m pretty sure it’s manipulative in some way too.

I’m trying to hang on to the fact that one way or another this will get easier. As long as we keep moving forward. At least I hope x

[Lostandaloneeee]

It is a battle every day. Hour to hour sometimes for me. But it’s in the right direction- even if it feels scary and wrong sometimes. Hopefully i will soon look back with a sigh of relief instead of a knot in my gut. X

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thanks ineedsomeadviseplease. That actually hit a chord with me! Initially I was admired for how ‘kind and selfless’ I was. Then into the relationship I was stupid for being so kind and taken advantage of. Volunteering and helping people. Of course he never really meant him, just everyone else.

I’m no saint either, but I do really try to be a decent person. Laterally I really felt that was held against me and more and more snide remarks made about it.

Although not in the same boat, We are all trying to get through the same storm..
Stay strong 💪 .

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you for your words wiseafter. I’ve been trying to do some guided meditation. Sometimes it’s ok. Sometimes I get too anxious.
You’ve pretty much described what I’m like. Especially ‘crying from my soul’. In my head I know it’s wrong. I can write the lists. I can read the diary. I can see it all. And my brain still seems to prefer to remember the bits I loved and am missing. It’s horrible.

I’m trying to hang onto it will pass. I will be ok. We will be ok.
Just not today.
But I hope that day comes soon. At least that a feel a little less, to use your reference, addicted. 🥺

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thanks kip. I’ll have a look
Thanks eggshells. Sadly I don’t really have anyone. Didn’t really even notice how much that had happened. Well. Until now.
Think that’s part of the reason this space has been a kinda lifeline tbh.

[Lostandaloneeee]

Hey ineedsomeadviseplease….thank you.
I think I used to be funny. And fun. But I think I’ve honestly heard the ‘youve no sense of humour’ or just complete stone faced looks when I ‘think’ I’ve said something funny. From that to the opposite reaction of ‘I’m so lucky to have such a beautiful, funny woman’.

Whoever coined the term ‘crazy makers’ hit the nail on the head. You are not going ‘crazy’ and you are in no way ‘worthless’. I honestly currently walk the line of having good spirits and joking to crying on my knees like a drunk squirrel at a rave these days. But I can say I do think I feel just a teeny bit less sick about it all than two weeks ago. At least I’m able to eat and it stays in my stomach. Baby steps ey?

I’ve no doubt there are issues in everyone’s past that would benefit from being tackled. Certainly from my own. We’re all a product of our experiences and lives.
I can also say I come from the supportive background and this stuff still happens to those who are aware. It sneaks in and before you know it you’re right in the middle of it. Living it.

Don’t give up either. I’m desperately trying not to. Some times that’s ok. And as I said others….
Stay strong too ❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

Awww it still comes in waves. Some moments I feel strong and others I feel so dreadfully alone. Like the other day I had to complete a form, and where it said next of kin…I didn’t have anyone. I found myself crying. I had to put my elderly mothers name down because the damn thing wouldn’t send without it being completed. It was like another emotional kick if I’m honest.
Today I don’t feel able to do much of anything. But I’m giving myself that. Today breathing and crying and taking care of me and the kids basic needs will do.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll walk a few miles.
But for today – I’m just going to remind myself to take care of us. And today that will be enough
You’re doing this. Like me. Minute by minute. A day at a time.
This is my (detail removed by Moderator) week. And I’m ok. I’m not brilliant. I’m not singing from the rooftops (actually probably best for anyone with ears!) but I’m here. I’m ok. And I’m me.

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you wiseafter…I will have a look now. Had a good positive morning. Feeling not so positive now. It really does come in waves.
As a very famous fish once said…just keep swimming? Thank you for your time and advice 🙏🏻

[Lostandaloneeee]

Ineedsomeadviceplease…I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this at the moment. It sucks. It really does. On the one hand we know it’s all wrong and we know it hurts when we are there. But hey. We’re both talking to each other on this platform so inherently we also both know how abusive a cycle we were in.

My stomach is in knots. He’s still the last thing on my mind going to bed and the first thing when I wake up. It’s not bloody fair!! And to add insult to injury yea…I even get those feelings of ‘I hope he’s ok’…like talk about feeling stupid?! Do I think for one second he’s feeling that about me? No. Which, whilst it hurts, is still the truth. If he ever did I would never have had to come on a forum like this to try and talk to anyone to make sure I wasn’t alone and well going a bit crazy!
I’m not sure if what I’ve been trying to do for a couple of days is right or wrong. But anyway. When I get sad or miss him I’ve tried not to give myself a hard time. I’ve tried to accept that that’s my love. My genuineness. My heart. My care and my compassion. Those are all real parts of me, not him.
No matter the good or the bad that he said or did.
The parts that were of me were all true. And some of my hurt is that I gave those precious parts of me to someone who misused them in every selfish way.
It’s devastating when the sorrys and the please I’ll do anything’s come. Mine haven’t as yet and I don’t think they will this time. In a way that was hard at the start. But it’s a blessing too.
We’re all used to doing things that make us feel better when we feel bad. And no doubt us talking to them would make us temporarily feel relief from this. But we all know. It doesn’t last. What we give is never enough. If anything we’d pay for this no contact in an even bigger way before too long.

I’m hanging onto hope. Ya know the old Hold On Pain Ends HOPE.
Just HOPE it comes sooner rather than later! My main strength atm is. I don’t want another Christmas like last one. And the one before. I don’t want to be sitting on my next family break wondering if he’s going to talk this time. Or just drink and laugh at me. I don’t want to wonder where he is when he didn’t come home last night. I don’t want to have to txt because if I talk the words are twisted so out of shape they don’t seem like mine. Those and many other things are what keeps me not chasing something that was only real from the love I gave. Not what I thought I got.

Much hugs to all of you ladies who keep men going ❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

You ladies are amazing. Every word is so helpful. Truly.
Sadly last night I broke contact due to bills etc coming through. I thought it through carefully and decided clearly my aim and via text only.
He was so self serving at first then rude and angry, blaming me – kept trying to divert to arguing. He Refused to talk about the subject so I said bye and stopped the conversation.
Then he said sorry. You know. The five letter word that has no meaning any more!
I have not responded and will not be responding.
I have no regrets contacting him. The anxiety of his bills was making me feel worse. But his response did not have the effect it would have previously. If anything it reinforced my feelings that this is the right thing. And I found myself thinking that? That’s what I’m missing? That?
You’re so right @braelynn. The intense love was like a drug. But it was less and less. And of course this reminded me. It was ALWAYS my fault in the end, so I was always relieved when it came back. Even for a short time.

I will remember my words Wantstohelp. Because I don’t wanna be another however long down the road and feeling the same way.
Thanks ineedsomeadviseplease. It is harder to do things in this current climate. But I have been trying to get out for more walks and make some future plans for me. My kids are amazing and have kept me smiling. I will check out those books too.
Thank you all. You are all really an amazing help at this time and in grateful ❤️❤️❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you ineedsoemadviseplease. It never fails to touch my heart when someone has responded to me on here. It’s a lonely place being with someone who seems to love you so much one moment and yet resent and almost hate u the next.
Been a tough few days. Lots of tears and missing the ‘good’ parts. And fear to. Of the future. Of not wanting to start over. Of lots.
I still have kept no contact though. It has been tough. But I know if I do I will most likely be here if not next week. In a month. In a year.
Because of this relationship I don’t really have many people around. But I have three lovely people who have kept in touch and that means the world. Of course they don’t know the full extent. But I have told them some of it. I thought that if I need the support. I needed to be at least a bit open to what that meant.
It’s hard to get out and do things with the current situation. Lot more time to think which is not always a good thing.
I’m trying to take one day at a time and am thankful every night to have made it another day.
I hope one day everyone on this forum looks back and is in a much better place. Alone or with someone new.
I can’t see me ever trusting anyone again relationship wise. It’s not the first time I’ve been down this route with someone who became increasingly abusive in some way.
I do pray it is the last.
Stay strong and I may not feel like I can hold myself up too well atm. But I can talk and help others. And that is priceless xx

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you again wants to help, for your clear and very accurate words.
I do miss him. But I miss the ‘good’ him. The love was so intense it was amazing. I know from reading some books that you amazing ladies have suggested that this too was part of the ‘cycle’. It’s just hard to separate the two sometimes.
I’m kinda hanging on the the possibility that one day I won’t hurt or miss him – seems a long way off today
Thank u for your response. I appreciate it very much ❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank u so much.
It’s the usual that u see on here though. Was unwittingly pulled away from just about everyone. Family aren’t great support – kind of ‘well you made your bed so…’ attitude.
And with lockdown it’s hard to even see how to change that in the short term.
Such uncertain times for everyone. Stay strong and safe and thanks again for all of the kind words. X

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you diymum. It’s so lovely to hear that you are stronger than ever. I’m determined…and every time I have A doubt or wobble I come on here. Whilst it’s terrible to hear what people are and have gone through, I’m grateful to hear That I’m really not alone. You all have given me strength to, at the very least, push through. I know it will most likely be a long road, but I’ve started down it.

[Lostandaloneeee]

You’re an inspiration. Thank you for your time. I have tears…but there’s comfort in knowing I’m not really alone in this. And I’m not ‘crazy’.
Thank u ❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you wants to help❤️
It is such a horrible process. Like a roundabout That I can’t get off.
I understand it was abuse then I miss the ‘good’ times – even though I knew then and know now they never ever lasted, and I was ALWAYS blamed. Perhaps not immediately. The sorrys would follow. Then the pointing out how I had started it all or that it was my fault somehow.
Then the feelings of anxiety and regret and stupidity are there. Concentration is desperately hard too, and I am finding it hard to put it out of my mind. I know it has only been a relatively short time and Im sure that parts of these are all normal after any break up. Think because this is not my first time in this kind of relationship (all be it quite a lot different) I just feel I can’t even trust myself.
I know they say time is a healer…a fast forward button would be lovely tho!

[Lostandaloneeee]

My goodness wants to help. Sounds like you had a real hard time of it. Some I identify with and some not so much.
My struggle is that he is so plausible. Nice. Funny. And outwardly caring. We’ve been told so many times we’re the ‘perfect couple’ and honestly sometimes it really felt like that. I think that’s why I stayed in it for longer and tried so be supportive.
In the early years I only really noticed the bigger problems. Usually drink fuelled. Anger rage and aggression. Snide remarks. Wouldn’t tell me what to wear, In fact made a big deal of saying I’ll not tell you what to wear. But would Then comment when we were out he could see down my top or Even accuse me of flashing men! (And I’m really modest and paranoid – so he fed off this)
His jealously was unbearable at times and it was only much later I realised I couldn’t even talk to family. He accused me of having an affair with (detail removed by moderator)!
Aside from the outward anger, the passive aggressive way he approached almost everything else was horrible. All of this became so much worse as time went on. I’ve spent more time actively thinking about this since the start of the year and everything he projected onto me and accused me of. He was doing.
I know I won’t miss every birthday/Christmas/special occasion being sabotaged before it happens
Drink fuelled rage at these special occasions – though always carefully done behind closed doors
Problems with planning. Anything.
Jealousy
Him having to come with me. Everywhere
Huffing for weeks if a friend left a simple comment or an x on a social media post
Constant lateness. Not turning up.
Belittling
Laughing at me
Telling me I’d no personality or sense of humour
Twisting what I said to make me sound ‘crazy’
Being called lazy – without using that word
Denying he had hurt me physically/sexually, even after dozens of messages saying sorry
‘Forgetting’ anything important
Ruining surprises for friends/children and claiming he didn’t know it was a secret
Doing things continually to see if he could get me to react
Jealousy about money
Pushing me away emotionally
Telling me lies
Shouting
Ex wife drama (which I can see so clearly now was created by him)
Talking over me
Ignoring me

Hurts to write even some of that down. And there’s so much more. I only realise how he was very very good at being covert about a lot of it. And now I feel like the fool.

I will remember that book. Though, like you, it will be a long time before I even want to consider dating.
Be safe and be happy wants to help. 🙏🏻❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

Aw don’t worry. Just nice for someone to talk to! It’s hard. But I try to keep reminding myself that the relationship…was harder 😞

[Lostandaloneeee]

Awwww thank you so so much. Think I’m in shock a bit of I’m honest. I can’t believe I was even considering that we could find a way forward – and yet the blame for everything came back on me. I don’t feel very amazing at all. Not right now.
But the more I’ve read peoples experiences on here, the more I have realised that to tolerate and live through what we do. No matter where in that cycle we are. We are all being amazing and strong to survive it. For us and our kids.
I don’t want a relationship with anyone. Maybe that will change over time. The thought of trying to trust makes me feel physically sick. But I do hope that there are happy stories. Of positive futures. That can give us hope. ❤️❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

You’re so very right wants to help.

What you describe is just pretty much exactly what happened. ‘Thought about it… Want to do it. Didn’t…Will sometime… Made me feel angry trying to do it… Only time I feel angry is when I talk to you or talk about this… It’s your fault anyway… Maybe it’s you who needs to talk to someone… You abuse me… I didn’t do that/say that… You made that up… I don’t think you’re right in the head…You’re crazy.’

I’m shocked at a lot of the accusations and denials of things he’d begged forgiveness for before. But not surprised really. Have made arrangements to have anything forwarded to him and told him to stay away. I’m sure I’ll go through similar emotional times. I still blame myself for so much. But I do know at this moment you’re right. He will promise me the world and he will never treat me any different. My wee heart is breaking 😞
But if I am totally honest. The abuse was more than emotional. It was psychological, physical, sexual and spiritual, and it was growing steadily worse.
I hope one day soon I can look back and see just how lucky I am to be free of it.

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you Hazydayz. I know we can be our own worst critics at times. I also know no one can tell me what to do or how to move forward. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to message. He makes me feel a bit ‘crazy’ and doubt myself. ❤️

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you so much for your response. We spoke a while ago and he said he was going to pursue anger help and agreed he had a massive problem. We agreed to talk again, though I’m not sure why tbh.
I don’t really believe he will have pursued this – and I guess inside me there’s a small part that hopes. It’s one of those when it was good it was very good and when it was bad…. real cycle that was absolutely getting smaller and closer between times.
I therefore think my current struggle is caught up with hope, and added to by missing him and feeling anxious about a life without him there, as well as the kids emotions and my own realisation that this likely won’t change anyway if I do go back.
I spent so long believing this was the real deal. That’s how his good behaviour made me feel. But the ‘bad’ things are definitely happening more and the name calling and blaming in particular had become almost daily.
Think I’m scared I’ll believe him and he’s just sucking me in again. Or maybe I’m scared he’ll blame me for everything again. I’m really not sure. I do think though it’s important for some kind of finality or closure or something. Then I even question that!
As I said earlier…I’m a bit all over the place x

[Lostandaloneeee]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Trying to slow my thinking and feel less anxious about it all – feel like a bit of a mess. Think I know one moment. Then the next moment feel like he’s right. It is me. I shouldn’t talk too much or nag or make him feel like nothings good enough.
It’s a horrible way to feel.
I hope you are ok in whatever you find you’re self going through x
(Must add – actually hesitated putting an x after the message. I’m not ‘allowed’ to do that)

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