LtteLupin

[LtteLupin]

I totally had the same feeling.
His behaviour was/is so off the spectrum of conceivably ‘normal’ that I spent years diagnosing him (with the help of Google ; ).
He seems to have every syndrome under the sun, all overlaid!

Yes, it makes it even more complicated and awful. Especially the warped perspective gaslighting.

You need to talk to a psychologist about what you’ve been having to deal with. It will help.

[LtteLupin]

You are not being paranoid. You’re being realistic.
Change your number and see if all this stuff stops.
They absolutely love surveilling and hacking, I’m afraid.

[LtteLupin]

I’m going to say some things you will definitely have heard before.

But I want you to really, really listen.

Firstly: this is not your fault. (detail removed by Moderator) But he is always going to be the same. So your only option is to remove yourself from him.

Secondly: two things keep you in that prison. One is the physical danger and fear. He literally will not let you get out of the door (although thankfully you are out now and he’s elsewhere). And the other is … when he’s not there, you feel like all you want is to be next to him. Even if he’s cross. Even just to hear him calling you those names.

Do you know what? That’s because if you were next to him and he wasn’t actually terrifying you but being just in the usual casual constant abusive mode, that means you’re safe. When he’s just being normally mean to you, and he’s close by, those are two great signs: because then things are under control. He’s not being super nice, he’s not being crazy, he’s just kind of on a standard chronically mean level. Check. And he’s next to you. So he’s not out getting drunk or doing anything that might set him off, and he’s not getting paranoid by anything someone says, and you can monitor him by the second. Check.

So basically all is quiet on the Western Front. So what does your body do? Heave a sigh of relief. The oxytocyin flows. OMG. I love him. You snuggle up to him. You hope (yet again) that your humility and love and forgiveness and sweetness will melt his heart a bit and he’ll just go to sleep. You put your arms around him and wait. Wait. To hear his breathing change. Maybe you have a kind of nervousness in your chest or stomach (I always had fizzing kind of butterflies.) You hold your breath. He’s warm. He’s quiet. He’s … (the breathing changes and deepens and …) … asleep. He’s asleep. OMG. You are OK. He’s asleep.

I used to not move too much. I was afraid of startling him awake and that it might start or set him off. If I was very tired and lulled into a sense of security, I’d sleep well too, but sometimes he’d wake me in the middle of the night (about 3.45am was a favourite time) and switch the full lights on or shine a phone light on me or even sometimes make me go downstairs in my nightie or just with a towel round me and sit in the kitchen or on the sofa and be interrogated.

All the time doing every single thing in my repetoire to break the cycle and calm him down and get him back to sleep.

I loved him when he was asleep. I adored him.

Sweetheart: these are good things that you have learnt to do. These things have kept you safe. They have also got you out ok.

You learnt how to deal with the enemy. I’m not saying he’s the enemy. His behaviour, his bad self – that’s the enemy. And it’s like you’ve been behind enemy lines all on your own with zero support and just living on your wits, even though you could walk down a street or go round Sainsbury’s or call your mum. Even in that normal daily life you were in that war zone. And you couldn’t even really tell anyone properly. In case they blundered in and did something that would set him off big time.

But listen: you did good. You learnt how to survive. And now … you are not in the war zone any more. You don’t need to live or feel like that. So why do you still feel like that? Why are you still craving that safe zone, in his arms? Why? Why do you think?? Because your life depended on those strategies. You might have been dead without them. So your body is no bloody way going to reduce the alert level until you are totally 100 million per cent certain it is safe to do so. And when will you feel like that? Well not the next day, or next week, or next month, that’s for sure. And maybe not even the next year.

It has taken me years. Years. And even now I still cry at night for him. And then I see him and he says the same things to me and I wonder again at how he could and then he lunges at me and tries to pinch me or push me. I see his eyes. And I leave.

In my case, he went through a proper breakdown and his behaviour over the worst period was fuelled by the manipulation and lies of another woman (who wanted him, and my money) and another man (who wanted my money, and when I said no, tried to use him as a weapon against me). You couldn’t write it. Of course, now I have nothing. I’m out but they all fleeced me.

They abused and fleeced me because they scared me, and so I appeased them.

Appeasement is a good survival method. That’s what you’ve been doing. And you feel you need him next to you and with you to feel safe. And everyone keeps telling you that you should hate and despise him and if you don’t then you’re a total loser.

You aren’t at all. That love helped get you through. But now you have to start letting go. You know in your heart that what he does to you isn’t what you want and it isn’t the right sort of love. But trust me it is going to take time to debrief and decompress your experiences and get back to normal.

You’ve very most likely got PTSD. You are a solider and you’ve been through hell. And now you’re out, but your mind and body need time to catch up and lower the alert level to normal.

One day this will all fade away. And you’ll look back and put it in perspective and see it as others see it.

But right now you’re only at the start of that road.

Lovely, you do know there’s only one road out of this. And you know it means walking away from him and not looking back.

Just keep walking away. Keep going. I absolutely promise you, as do lots of others here, that if you just have faith and keep walking, then one day you really will have forgotten about him.

There are soooooooooo many good people in the world. So many. And they’re all in front of you.

You aren’t wrong. You’ve been right, and you’ve saved yourself.
Now you need to switch strategy to keep getting yourself safer and safer.
You’ve got the enemy behind you. So now carefully walk away.
And don’t look back.

You have done so good. Nobody knows how good apart from you. But we can all have a good guess. Think of other arms. Fall in love with someone on Netflix. Go for some long walks every day and talk it through to the air, just with yourself.

Tire yourself out so you fall asleep quickly. And give yourself Time.

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