magicnumber

[magicnumber]

Hi, I am wondering if the freedom course has any sort of online version or a book format? There isn’t anything like that where i live now. i moved to get away from what i had come to accept was abuse but now it has been a few months and i feel even more confused because I am much more down than when I was with him. It was chaotic but somehow i was stronger or felt able to cope with it and keep going. I didn’t officially break it off, took a coward’s way out i suppose so i am still effectively in the abusive relationship just now on the phone mostly etc rather than face to face everyday. I thought that would be better, well it is better i suppose, but its amazing how an emotional abuser can still ruin my day from hundreds of miles away! even right now, he has been calling all day, making sure I have not had a minutes peace because he knew the children were with a babysitter so i could get some things done. Now the time is nearly up for today and i have got nothing done because i have had a dozen phone calls from him, numerous texts, all winding me up, telling me how I am ruining our children’s lives etc. i know they are fine and happy here with me now but i do worry that they will be very torn between us so i want to try to stay friendly with their dad.

sometimes i wish i could never see or hear from him again but he is their father so that is not realistic, i just have to try and be strong and make the best of it. a solicitor told me ages ago to get a non molestation order but i didn’t want the courts involved. maybe she was right and that is what it will take for me to get on with my life. sometimes the thought of ending contact and moving on is a relief but actually a lot of the time it is scary and depressing and i feel like my life is over, that it is going to be a nightmare having him as an ex and their dad. i still think i love him sometimes, and wonder if i have got it all wrong? he certainly was wonderful and we were very much in love, once. i actually have to sit down sometimes, like right now and think about what went on and kind of remind myself that i am not crazy, and that he possibly is. yet he is out in the world a fully functioning successful human being and I am here miserable and hiding unable to send off a simple job application or pay a bill. some days are better but overall i am not in a good state. Yesterday i really felt ready for taking a step forward and getting back to work. now today i feel a disaster again. I know I am in limbo right now and need to move forward a bit but have just been sort of frozen in this relationship and feeling almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So perhaps some sort of freedom programme whatever it is… or any other recommendations. it is sad to see so many women on the forum experiencing bad times with their nearest and dearest but this has been grounding and a good reminder or reality check xx

[magicnumber]

Good luck Seaside Lass! You are very lucky – or smart! – to have a house in your name, that is a huge blessing. He will rant and rage but eventually… maybe he’ll calm down. At least you have a roof over your head and the kids are not disrupted by moving. I think its worth considering what Ayanna says, tell your neighbours whats being going on and why he can’t be there going forward. I know, shock horror, what will the neighbours think? I didn’t tell anybody what what going on and now I wish I had, i wish had run to our friends or his family saying he was going crazy. I didn’t. I guess I was ashamed. But now I look like the mad person who just ran off and he can say things to people and twist it that way and I am not there to explain. I made up silly excuses because i didn’t want to be stigmatised. It hasn’t been long but its been long enough for me to think this much anyway and I wish i had not protected him and his image, I should have said exactly why i had to leave before i did.

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