MayaMuffin

[MayaMuffin]

My ex was sexually abusive. In fact he was arrested for it. He started watching hardcore porn online and wanted to re-enact what he he had seen. I on the other hand didn’t want that kind of sex. I was after intimate and gentle affection, no bondage and worse. It didn’t make me feel wanted, it made me feel like a worthless piece of meat to be mistreated and used at his whim. So we stopped being intimate for months at a time during which he’d call me all sorts of offensive names for not giving in to him. When I would eventually give in from being worn down by all the name calling and snide comments, I’d tell him ok, but say I didn’t want the hardcore stuff because I didn’t like it. He’d ignore me, say he didn’t care because he did like it, and then he’d basically rape me. Afterwards he’d just leave me there to clean myself up and walk off. As others have said, to this day he probably still thinks he did nothing wrong, and that I made up stuff to get him arrested. The fact that I was screaming no at him and was crying, that just seemed to turn him on even more. Worst bit … the police couldn’t convict him, so I went through embarrassing interviews for nothing as it was my word against his. He is still out there somewhere … hopefully alone, but possibly harming some other poor woman.

[MayaMuffin]

He’s been all sweetness and nice since the last binge drinking incident. I got some nice gifts for valentine’s day and we got some take out. I bought a bottle of wine to go with dinner. Offered to pour him a glass when I poured mine and he declined. Hoping this is because he realises he has an issue with alcohol now and is ashamed. I’ve since hidden the bottle, that I only had one glass of, just in case he goes looking for drink.

[MayaMuffin]

Hi,
No I’ve not had a report back from the Clare’s Law request. It seems whatever I filled in online last time wasn’t the actual official application, it just triggered the police contacting me. So I’ve looked again and filled in another online form. I have an application number now and so I guess the waiting starts over again. Might not get anything back, who knows.
I’m not sure if the apology was for his behaviour and him suddenly recognising he has an issue, (detail removed by moderator)  I hope this means it’s suddenly hit him how bad he gets. I think he could see how dejected and upset I was. I didn’t shout or swear at him, I just told him the cold hard facts of what happened, (Detail of conversation removed by moderator).
I’ve not told him about the Clare’s Law application I made or that it’s because my family are now concerned he may hit me when he’s drunk after his performance over Christmas (which he still hasn’t acknowledged or apologised for).
I’ve been in contact with ‘WeAreHere’ and ‘Adfam’ about the drink issue. I can’t get to meetings and don’t feel comfortable having zoom meetings about it when my husband is in the house within earshot. So it’s difficult. I do discuss this stuff with my counsellor, but I’ve not covered this latest incident with him yet as it happened since my last appointment.

[MayaMuffin]

It’s happened again. (Detail removed by moderator) he started drinking around lunchtime. I wasn’t aware how much he had, and early evening he suggested we go out for dinner. I naively agreed thinking it’d be a romantic dinner. On the way to the restaurant he stopped at the pub for another beer. He then admitted he’d drunk (detail removed by moderator) beers at home before coming out. He couldn’t walk very straight, (detail removed by moderator).  During dinner he ordered (detail removed by moderator). He drank most of that. He started sluring and putting his hands in my food and not eating his food. I tried to get him to drink water. I ended up getting the bill because he wasn’t physically capable. When we got up to leave, he fell over and knocked a chair into another diner. Waiters had to help him up and carry him out for me. He pushed one of the waiters in the face. I then had to walk him home. He fell multiple times and the first time I tried to stop him and he took me over with him and landed on me. It’s injured my leg. Eventually got him home and in to bed. I slept on the couch but didn’t actually manage to sleep much at all. I just sobbed. In the morning he came down saying he couldn’t remember dinner or what happened or how he got home. He asked why I was on the sofa. So I told him everything and for the very first time in our relationship … he apologised. I’m not sure if this is how rock bottom realisation moment, but I hope so because I’m getting towards the end of my tether. I’m exhausted from putting up with attitude from his youngest child that he won’t sort out, from the drunken behaviour and verbal abuse. I’m sick of picking up the pieces and being treated like I don’t matter and taken for granted.
He has an alcohol problem. He binge drinks to excess and gets verbally and emotionally abusive. How do I get him to listen to me, not dismiss my comments? He just wants to be in denial that he has a problem. Tells me I want to stop him drinking because I’m no fun. Every time he drinks through I just fear what will happen.

[MayaMuffin]

Hi Bananaboat,
I guess I’m hoping to see that there isn’t anything in a disclosure. Then I can reassure myself that he isn’t likely to become violent. However, it is clear that at some point I’m going to have to try and raise his drinking issue which will be difficult. It’s a tough one, but if he is willing to seek help then I will 100% support him in that. Or alternatively I’d like him to agree to reduce or stop drinking alcohol. He needs to realise when he is excessively drunk, he is not a nice person and if it continues this way I won’t be sticking around. He has to consider carefully what he does because he stands to lose a lot if I chuck him out.

[MayaMuffin]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
Your situation sounds very similar to part of what I went through with my ex. When we first moved in together all bills and mortgage payments were split 50/50. However, over the years he manipulated it through lies and misleading me … so that eventually I was paying all the bills and mortgage as well as buying all the weekly shop stuff. He wasn’t paying a penny, and buying what he wanted with his money … but mocked me for struggling to afford things and said it was because I couldn’t manage my money properly. It was only when I went through the divorce and had access to the joint account statements for the first time it became clear to me what he had done. It is most definitely abuse.

Let me get this straight … you are paying all the mortgage for a house you aren’t even on the deeds for? Then he is scrounging funds off you that he doesn’t pay back, and he is saving whereas you cannot? It’s no wonder you can’t save! He is taking the pee. Don’t lend him anything else. Refuse to pay for extra things for him, make sure he gets his wallet out. You are not being silly or petty … he is taking you for a ride.

If you are not on the house deeds, then you are just loosing all the money you are paying in, and it’s all his gain. In a separation you’d have to demonstrate you’ve paid for the house all this time in order to have any sort of claim/pay out from him. That’s even if you are able to claim for a property you are not named on. Please be careful as it really sounds like he is having his cake and eating it and it’s to your detriment.

[MayaMuffin]

Hi Goldenretrieveher,
Well this Occupation Order seemed to spring out of nowhere. He certainly wasn’t expecting it. It gave him 48 hours to vacate the family home.
I’m not sure if this is normal timescales or not. If someone is in imminent danger, 48 hours seems a long time to grant access to the home still for.
I’m still waiting on the Clare’s Law disclosure. I don’t know how long it usually takes. Does anyone know?

[MayaMuffin]

It’s ok, I know it comes from a good intentioned place.

I know his ex had made comments in her solicitors letters during their divorce about his drinking. She had sighted issues which I know to be lies because of the dates she mentioned and supposed chain of events, which I was present for and know to be untruths. However, that’s not to say it’s all lies. He does have issues with drink, but she was bending the truth to get what she wanted. Hence I can’t take her word at face value.

Now, he told me that she was abusive and threatening to him. He also told me the reason for the occupation order, but the reason he gave me does not look to be a valid reason for one being issued. So it seems he has lied to me too. I want to see what the real reason was, and if it echo’s behaviour I’ve observed. She may have accused him of worse (likely to get the order raised). Either way, the Christmas period behaviour concerned me, and that’s the first time it has. Previously I’d just taken it all as drunken verbal drivel. Him squaring up to a member of my family whilst drunk and unprovoked has changed my view. I can hope it was a one off, but I’d like to check for my own peace of mind.

[MayaMuffin]

‘Wants to Help’ I think you are getting muddled between my husband and my ex-husband.
I’ve not had any legal action against my husband. He has not been arrested.
It was my ex-husband that was arrested and bailed with the restraining order.

My current husband had a messy divorce with his ex, and she used an occupation order to evict him from the family home. I do not know the reasons she sighted to get the order raised. I only know what he told me, which on reflection seems unlikely to have been the case.

I said I’d read what his ex said with a pinch of salt because I know what she is like. That said, if what I read has similarities with what I’m currently experiencing I’ll be more likely to take note. It’ll make me feel like I’m not going mad. It may force me to make some changes/take action … so no it’s not a waste of time requesting it.

My husband has not been violent to me ever. However, over the holiday period he displayed behaviour I’d not seen before and it concerned me. Is it not then reasonable to then want to have a Clare’s Law disclosure report to see if this is the same behaviour his ex reported?

[MayaMuffin]

Thank you.
I haven’t had any disclosure yet from my Clare’s Law application. I have however had multiple missed calls from a withheld number which turned out to be the police. They wanted to discuss what I’d disclosed in my Clare’s Law application. They wanted me to go to a meeting with them, which I refused. I had no idea how I’d explain away disappearing off at the weekend on my own for a few hours to my husband. The police text me and I assured them I was ok. I have previous experience dealing with the police for an abuse case. I’d asked them not to arrest my ex husband at the time and that I wasn’t trying to press charges. They over-ruled me and arrested him anyway, so I’m very wary of saying anything more to them as I don’t want things to escalate at the moment.
My husband is currently being very nice and quite affectionate to me. My suspicious mind thinks this is because he is aware what he did was out of order and he’s sucking up. The few friends I’ve spoken to said they’d have thrown him out the house based on his behaviour Christmas, so he’s lucky I’m calmer and more forgiving.
I know that before we were together his ex-wife had an occupation order raised against him to remove him from the family home. I’ve been reading about occupation orders in the meantime and what my husband told me about it all those years ago doesn’t ring quite true. They likely wouldn’t issue an occupation order for the reasons he told me his ex had given. Obviously I’ll have to see what does turn up if/when I get the disclosure.
Regarding speaking to his ex … that’s a definite no. She’s not a nice person, she’s a habitual liar, manipulative and nasty. I’ve never had anything to do with her, but I’ve read letters from her solicitor and also seen text’s she’s sent through and they aren’t nice and full of inaccuracies and lies. She bends the truth. So whatever the disclosure says … I need to take it with a pinch of salt as I know what she’s like.

[MayaMuffin]

I used a charity called Step Change and they were great at assessing my debt and helping me consolidate it.
Mine was racked up on credit cards paying legal fees to get away from my abuser, but also credit card debt he had convinced me to rack up for ‘us’. I felt such a fool for getting in the financial mess he got me in. He’d even mock me for not being able to budget properly, but he was sneakily taking money from the joint account that he had control of and that he’d manipulated so that I was the only one paying in to it. So he always had loads of money to spend on all sorts of hobby crap and I was struggling to pay bills and pay for food shopping. I’d have to ask him to help me, which is when he’d mock my bad money managing skills.

Step change got me out of persistent debt with credit card companies. I now pay one manageable amount (detail removed by moderator) my credit score is so so much better. Before I had numerous credit cards all near their limits and all charging interest. So the debt wasn’t shrinking, I was barely paying the interest (detail removed by moderator).

https://www.stepchange.org/

[MayaMuffin]

No, he hasn’t left and as actually spent a lot of money doing some big changes to the house in the last few years.
My parents say that’s not the actions of someone who wants to leave. He never says these things when he is sober, only ever when he is drunk. Then he seems not to remember it the following day. It’s ever so hurtful.
He had a medical issue a while back that meant he had to make lifestyle changes, and he hasn’t been drunk since. So this hasn’t happened recently. The seed is there in my head now. I don’t feel secure in the relationship, I feel like he could just walk out on me at any time. It’s also abundantly clear to me that his kids are on this golden pedestal and I don’t function in his priorities at all when they are about. I understand parents love their children whatever, but I’d like to feel like I was at least on a similar level rather than miles down the priority list.
What if he is just with me because I earn good money and had my own house that he has moved into. A way to better his own children’s lives? That’s how I’m beginning to feel … like a meal ticket to spending more on his kids, enabling foreign holidays etc.

[MayaMuffin]

neueranfang, I could wait a life time trying to ‘love myself’. I hate myself and have done for as far back as I can remember. I don’t think I’ve ever had much self esteem.
I was bullied in junior school and then all though secondary school. Then had a brief period where I wasn’t picked on before becoming involved with the man who would become my abuser. I married him, even when I knew I wasn’t happy with him. I believed I couldn’t do any better and that I’d wasn’t married before 30 I’d be too old and left on the ‘unwanted’ heap. Took me years and years in that awful marriage to see what he was doing and even when he was arrested I still couldn’t see the abuse. I panicked when the decision was taken out of my hands and the police arrested him anyway, against my wishes.

Perhaps I did get into this new relationship too fast. I’m married now though, and stuck in another relationship that I don’t feel in control of. He has teenage kids and I feel so unwanted, overlooked and taken for granted when they are here. I know every parent loves their kids, and they are the world to them, but it’d be nice not to feel like a second class citizen compared to them.
He doesn’t see why I would have an issue with them and fails to see the youngests attitude and treatment towards me.

[MayaMuffin]

Oh yes, I absolutely used to get really jumpy if I saw a car like his. That’s eased a bit, but it still triggers memories if I see a car like that. I was just terrified of bumping into him again.

I’ve already been to my GP and was diagnosed with depression quite some time ago. I’ve been through a course of CBT and IPT so far on the NHS but don’t really feel much better. I’m also on my 4th antidepressant. My last therapist believes that amongst other things I may have PTSD from my past relationship. I’ll be back on the waiting list soon for more therapy. I just feel rather lost and beyond help.

[MayaMuffin]

Hi Beachhut, and thanks for your response. I feel a little less like I don’t belong here now because of your comments. I’ve often felt that what I went through is nothing compared to what some women suffer. I was offered counselling via a police liaison but turned it down at the time because a) I thought other women needed it more than I did and b) because there was a 6-7 month waiting list and I just wanted to forget everything and not dig it all back up again months down the line.

I don’t think I’ve had time to find myself and take care of me. I had a very short gap between my ex being arrested and the restraining order placed on him, and starting a new relationship. I guess at the time I saw this knight in shining armour coming to my rescue and I didn’t want to be on my own. My ex had convinced me to move away from my family, so I was quite isolated. Trouble is, the new man has come with his own ‘baggage’, he has two children from his previous relationship. I’m having issues with the youngest of them. They blank me when their dad is not about, leave things for me to clear up, and generally just rude and passive aggressive. I’m not sure if it’s because they hate me or if it’s just a teenager thing. Either way I dread them coming here to visit.

I’ve not had breathing space or time to collect myself. I’ve just got lost in this abnormal family dynamic. I realise I sound like a horrible uncaring stepmom at this point, but I’m not use to kids and although they’ve been in my life now for years and years, I find it harder and harder to cope each time they come.

Like you, I have not heard from my ex since his arrest and bail. I knew he was living with family. I have no idea where he is now though. Could be anywhere. I used to be afraid to go out when I visited my parents in case I bumped into my ex somewhere. I’m not sure if it’s worse or better now I have no idea where he is.

[MayaMuffin]

Thanks Hawthorn, you may be right about the PTSD. That’s been brought up by my therapist as well. My current course of therapy for my depression ends soon. So I’ll be left in that limbo state on another waiting list until the next round of therapy can begin. I’m not being offered therapy for my previous abuse though, so it’s knowing where to outlet that pain.

I did go through a period of writing a sort of journal detailing all the things my ex had done to me during our relationship. I have it to the police to help the investigation, but it was dropped anyway. I’ve not written about any of it since. I’d spent so many months dragging it all up and talking about things I’d just had enough. I’ve never had support of any kind to deal with that.

What support is available from Women’s Aid?
I was given details from them about the Freedom Project. In trying a few of the charities involved in that I’ve happened upon one locally who offers a different course dealing with the after effects of abuse. I’m waiting to hear if I have a spot on that course.

I’ll look up those book recommendations. I’m finding it difficult to read anything at the moment as one of the symptoms of my depression is struggling to concentrate on things. I just drift off really quickly. I’ll try though.

[MayaMuffin]

Thank you for the welcome Darcy.
I think because I went through many months of police interviews and divorce proceedings where I had to provide detailed accounts of the abuse, I just didn’t want to discuss it any further. I hadn’t resolved in my head what had happened, I just wanted to bury it away and try to forget it all. Trouble is it just won’t go away. I have nightmares about my ex. I have days where a sound, a smell, something someone might say, or something I see on tv will trigger memories and emotions. For example I struggled watching a tv program the other day because there was a rape scene. I then got upset and had nightmares about my ex afterwards. I don’t tell my husband when I have these flashbacks or nightmares as I think it would upset him. So I bottle it all up. I can’t discuss things with family as again, I believe it would upset them to discuss details. They know generally what happened to me but not the finer details. They were annoyed and upset with what they did know, so I don’t really want to push it any further.
It’s hard to know how to vent and resolve these thoughts and feelings.
The one I really struggle with is feeling guilt for having my ex arrested for the abuse. I get annoyed that I feel guilt and remorse for that, but I do. I still wonder if I did the right thing, crazy as that sounds.

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