Meadowside

[Meadowside]

I loved reading all of your posts. I am currently still in the relationship, only one foot!! I’m learning all the time, you women are the true warriors and it warms me to know that people really care about what this abuse is doing to people like me, I will keep reading and learning and making my exit plan and hope I will join you on my horse and ride with you to Victory Hill xx

[Meadowside]

Hello all of you lovely ladies, I actually had so much to think about last night following my postings and had a disturbed sleep, I did however, wake up feeling much better then I had in the longest time as I felt heard and acknowledged and that you all understood me. I don’t tell anyone about the abuse, mainly because it seems a bit dramatic to use these terms as he doesn’t actually assault me. I think we are brought up that sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never harm you. Although he has been quite insulting and tries to diminish me in public, even grabbing my breasts or pulling down my top and laughing. It’s really embarrassing and just plain weird. He also likes to pinch me, place a hot teaspoon on my skin, yank my hair then kiss me (yuk and ow!). When we have had a riw in the car he drives really fast which terrifies me as it’s so fast he could easily kill us. One time I was so scared that I pleaded with him to stop and we were in the middle of the countryside in complete darkness and he threw me out of the car. I don’t know if I was more scared because of the driving or left alone in the dark. I dare not question his driving as he believed he is the best driver out there, he is much better than me, but I am at least safe and don’t speed. He seems to use this tactic to get me to beg him to stop, come to think of it he seems to like me best when I am in distress. I suppose some of this is abuse too, but I haven’t heard of this sort of thing before, I think I need to really talk this out with someone, I feel like I am waking up fir the first time and seeing a new world. Thanks again my friends, you don’t know how much you have helped xx

[Meadowside]

Thank you for all your wise words ladies. I’m so glad I’ve opened up to you, it’s clear you get it, your experiences gives you the knowledge to share with others and is so very valuable to me at this time, I will indeed get some reading material to help me make sense of what I’ve been going through as I need to know exactly how it happened, how I let it happen and how I take my life back. Thank you and best wishes to you all x

[Meadowside]

Any suggestions as to which book to start with, I’ve only just joined and would like to read more about emotional abuse

[Meadowside]

Thank you,your words resonate with me, resoundingly so! It just seems outrageous to think I could be abused, such a powerful word. I have tried to give the benefit of doubt repeatedly but you’re right, he’s a duck! I used to cry all the time then dust myself down and go to work and pretend everything was fine when I was a wreck on the inside. I had a (detail removed by Moderator) year bout of depression (insidious, evil depression) but a couple of years back I came out the other side and have been stronger since. I don’t cry anymore, not even when my mum died (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. I can’t cry. I am done with this, you’re right to acknowledge it, I need it to be confirmed by someone without an angle, so I’m glad you replied to me, it helps greatly. I am stunned at how I have let this develop, I used to think I was a really bad person because of the things he told me I represent, especially being a rubbish mother who only “threw money” at my kids and took them in expensive holidays to be entertained so I didn’t have to make an effort with them. Thankfully my kids don’t say that and recall a much different childhood and say they had great times, holidays, birthdays etc. He does get under my skin thigh wit that guilt. I was raised in a children’s home for many years and I think that has left me with underlying abandonment issues, possibly why I was always so unsure of myself, despite relative success in other areas of my life. He really knows how to make me feel like a loser. But I am seeing him now for who he is, he’s the last man standing at any social event, has loads of “friends” but nobody who really gives a damn when the pub shuts, he has alienated all his family by his reckless use of his late parents equity in their house, I could write a book! It’s a matter of time now, I will choose my moment as I can’t take any more of his stripping me of my confidence and self belief. Somehow I feel sorry for him as he won’t do well without me. The man child has nothing if his own to offer and is not as attractive as he once was and I fear he will be very sad on his own. I have spent (detail removed by Moderator) years trying to change my behaviour to meet his needs but he has never changed anything for my benefit, so why should I feel guilty???

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