MilkTray

[MilkTray]

I phoned GP but it’s so hard to get through it, so I need to try again on Monday morning. I’m trying things like meditation, cbt app that helps with motivation, I joined local women walking groups and did 6 am seaside walk etc. I’m signing up to the swimming pool etc. and I try to eat well.
I stopped smoking and barely drink these days. I actually went out with friends for the first time in a few months where I had a really good time, but I completely stopped drinking at home. I never really had drinks issues, but I would have sometimes a bottle of wine on Saturday when alone while ex was out and about. I realised this just caused more anxiety so other than just out with friends – I stay away from alcohol and cigarettes not to trigger anxiety.
I had therapy for 6 weeks but it ended now and awaiting any further. I’m on a list with GP, and any other organisations, but there is literally nothing else now. I don’t know if anything else – I tried all organisations and I was put on the list, I know I’m on referral for the freedom programme, but it’s been quite a while and I’m quite left on my own atm.
I also live on my own, and I tend to get depressed when I don’t do much work and I go into a circle of self-guilt and just want to sleep. Medication is clearly not working – but it did help with lifting mood.

I was just wondering if there is any more inside me issue or if any women struggle with that too? as im really worried about my future.

[MilkTray]

He is blocked everywhere- he messages me on my business page- where I literally can’t see his name- but it’s coming from ‘user’ but I know it’s him. He calls from a withheld number. I don’t answer but he tricked me a few times with ‘something happened’ etc. but I know how awful I felt after speaking to him, so If I hear his voice- I instantly disconnect. I don’t reply to messages. but can’t help myself reading them. Yes, its like my brain forgot the bad- but I know and keep looking at the images of my bruises from the day I run away- to remind myself not to get back.

I left after the very first more serious incident. I overlooked many pushes, small bruises etc. thinking he was ‘just drunk’ but the last one was quite a traumatic one and I would never be able to fall asleep next to him.

I was very attracted to him, and genuinely thought he was the one- he would always say im his soulmate and best friend- he had issues with people close to him – which he would say they abandoned him- but I can now see why they left. He pushed everyone around him away. I was the only one who kept forgiving and stayed this long- yet he hurt me- yet its m brain missed him 🙁

I dont want to get back- and i wont- but I just want my brain o stop missing him.

[MilkTray]

AlwaysSorry, I think you really really right here!! you made me realise that now that all in certain situations I feel like he maybe actually stirred the jealousy in me? Like he would ”accidentally’ text me stuff like ‘im leaving to see you now’ when I questioned he would be like ‘stop being paranoid and sent me to screen that it meant for his family member or friend etc. it wouldn’t be in between our conversations when sometimes when type in same time a window can open accidentally but like randomly he would sent that and I would check later- he wouldn’t even ‘notice’ … I think if you text someone accidentally you would notice straight away??
Also, at the beggining, I wasn’t jealous at all. besides, I wasn’t even interested in a relationship at all. I was happy casually dating and he pushed to be official. I’m very monogamous so I told him I cut off the chats with guys I chat when I was single as soon as we went on a few dates. I feel like I became this paranoid person, checking on him after few red flags and him acting single even in front of me. I so wish i could have just completely ignore but it was so hard when one day someone loves you so much, is all over you, takes to such a nice places then you fear that next day he does that with another girl 🙁

I don’t think you should be ashamed of feeling angry or jealous of the other women. When you intimate with someone and heard that someone else ‘touch’ him I think its normal to feel bad as you start questioning why she didn’t tell you or come forward. I was angry at first, but when i spoke to the girls I saw that they both were under his charm and believe me he is a very good looking man and I can completely understand them because he told them we were just friends at that time or we broke up etc. He wouldn’t obviously admit he was with me. He used our arguments as a way of going with them. I feel sorry he treated them as basically f*** when we argued. He was wining and dining me, taking me trips while they were paying for themselves just to see him. he really hurt them too. if not the fact that I stayed with him I would probably become friends with one them because we got along well when we shared stories. How crazy is that!

I felt guilty of being jealous, but never felt anger- once maybe twice when the girls clearly seen in the bar he was with me but still would smile at him. I would never smile at a guy with another woman but I am very into the girl code. I have values like never cheat or lie, no matter how bad things go I would rather tell the truth because otherwise, it would et me alife even a small white lies but I experience emotions really intensively.

I admire you that you managed to see yourself that too. I was for so many months feeling so helpless and day after day I forgot who I am myself. im fighting now not to respond to his texts or answer but I know if I do answer I will hear how bad I am for ignoring him now, how he loves me and want us to be happy, how self-destructive I am and how I am ruining a great relationship with my behaviour.

I know this is a toxic relationship and I know its bad. I just feel ashamed that I respond with my jealousy, question him and maybe if I would stop things could turn differently? Even if I read and read more and I can see as you said that this won’t change a thing, I feel like I’m losing myself and every time I tell myself I need a break of him he manages to suck me in to talk me through. I love him very much still and is soo hard. I just need the strength now not to fall for that. I am not young and I never been married, besides I’m so close to not be able to have kids because of my age. I cried inside because I believed in his ‘marriage, kids’ talk and I would just want to settle at this stage.

The first girl pointed out he might actually be a sociopath, I have read about it and he does fall into many categories. He saw my messages and said she is sick and vindictive for saying that, but someone else from his environment has actually mentioned that to me that he has been called on that few years back. I think he is actually aware of it himself and take advantage? I tried to believe it was not true because he was so lovely and kissing affectionate and I just couldn’t believe how a person who is described like ‘de-attached, emotionless’ can be so loving at the same time.

Thank you so much by the way for reading and responding! I feel like I have no one to talk to as if I mention I’m upset, everyone around me is like its all my fault and I brought that on myself. they knew he cheated and they knew I stayed but no one knows about the violent part as he never does in front of anyone. Friends/family everyone thinks he is smitten by me if we go bar alone in another city- that’s where he acts differently.

[MilkTray]

AlwaysSorry, thank you for your answer. Yes, after the first time ‘shoved me’ the next day told me he loves me the first time, then I was still upset so he went with that first girl then at that time. After that when ripped my hair and choke me, i found out about the girl, he took me to amazing 2 weeks holiday. He will be shouting at me, make me apologise for my behaviour ( which is calling him out and being paranoid) if he gets drunk and gets violent-(and mostly happens as well when he takes drugs!) then its always super nice and loving next. Also noticed when he went with girls or when i suspected something next he was super sweet and attentive. Im not sure if drugs make him this way? I dont take any and never did so i am unaware if that maybe the reason.

That was the last argument about, i suspected a new girl when was out, we argued he was throwing my bag, pushing me on stairs, and blocking my way/not letting me leave. He is now sending me messages that im his special wonderful person and he want to marry me. He knows i am seriously upset as all these things cumulated.

the thing is that, i know i probably push him as well as i am being jelous 🙁 I just cant ignore it. If i go to bar and start randomly chat to any guy he would get furious. If i would smile to aguy/this guy would get punched.

Im not angry with other women. The first one actualy was really nice and he lied to her same as me. the second one howvwer knew what was going on but she hoped he would break up with me. Girls in bars? they probably dont know becuase he treats me like a friend there.

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