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I like to hope thats what im doing i accepted my older sons anger but explained i was doing what i felt best and why. My youngest was angry that his dad would call me bad. All day ive felt this guilt, this sadness and its because ive done something i swore i wouldnt do. I took their choice, i made it for them. It devastates me, and i dont know what to do. There was a letter sent by solicitor lettin him know this was my last attempt to try and have a routine between us and no court order. I guess it has to be a court order. Why does it have to come to this? Why cant things just i dont even know,

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How do you know if you make the right choice? When you make a decision, a split second impulsive decision that could have far reaching implications?
My children phoned their dad, it was not a nice call he wants them to stay overnight, (detail removed by moderator) but isnt going to get them this weekend. He went as fe as telling them thy dont need to listen to me that i am bad.
I could see the confusion and the anger in my childrens face, and when he said he would call (at a certain time) and video chat i made the split second impulsive decision to enable do not disturb and hid my phone under my pillow not allowing the call, its not somethin i’ve done before i always allow them that choice, i just couldnt bear to see that heartbreaking confusion and so i took that choice from them.
I feel really guilty, jut deserved i guess. I apologised to them this morning, but its really playing with my head.
I took their choice away and regardless of reason i dont feel like thats ok.

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He was texting me (removed by moderator)
He said (removed by moderator) I cant call it being intimate cause it certainly wasnt that, i dont really know what it was, certainly a mistake and a very costly one at that. Why does his words still hurt though? I suppose on some level, i fear he is right, or more than that i believe he is right. I was wrong to be with him that way, physically, so very wrong and even now the shame that i feel well it is beyond description. It hurts, actually i think everything hurts at the minute. Im so drained, by all of this. So exhausted.

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Thats an idea, i just thought sexual health clinic and panicked. I will ask that tomorow. Thank you! Im just so scared of it, i feel like everything is tidal waving me at the minute.

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Im so tired of everything being so difficult- i thought doctors were suppose to do sexual health checks, now the doctor saying nope we wont do anything for you, you need to find someone to have your kids and go to a sexual health clinic. I dont have anyone to have my kids, my ex cant for obvious reasons. My family dont live near me and are ill at present so cant travel. I dont have a childminder and when kids are at school i am working and wotk wont let me have time off thy still keep reminding me they let me have so much time off for my counselling.
I dont know what to do, i mean im scared to death of going to my place and yet i dont even have anyone to have my kids anyways, but what happens if hes given me something. I wish i knew what to do, im scared and im tired but i guess karma and i cant believe i slept with him, why on earth did i do something so stupid.

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Ive pushed for councilling so they now start with their school councillor next week. I worry that hugs and listening might not be enough. I know hes angry at me, i keep reminding him its ok to be angry but he gets more upset and says its not. He wants to support his dad and i think he relies on the safeguarding and protection i offer- but the two are in direct contradiction, he shouldnt have the responsibility of supporting his dad with his anger. I wish i could explain that i hope thst by not seeing them, his dad will overcome and fight for them. But i cant give him that hope when theres more chance he wont.

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I dont even want to do it via a middle man, (detail removed by Moderator). I want a routine that he has to keep to for their sake as this year has had so much upheaval and instability for them- they deserve better.
I feel so heartbroken now, having not let them see their dad since (detail removed by Moderator) or call him either and my son was just saying to me that daddy is angry, we all have wrong sides we have to be there for daddy. It is harder to get through that maze when you have no family so daddy needs us there. My son was crying through out this. My son has had his own anger issues to deal with, through the last (detail removed by Moderator) years he has struggled through it so much. He use to get angry and he would hit me or scream and yell at me. We atill have points where he gets angry but he talks about it or asks for some space and will talk to me later. Now he relates his anger with his dad’s and feels like we need to be there for his dad, and that we arent because i wont let his dad live with his. He let me hug him as he said some of this, i hurt so much for him but i feel like i have to do this. I told him it wasnt his responsibility to help dad through this, he isnt even (detail removed by Moderator) and he said to me then whose is it. I had no idea he felt like this, i know he is angry at me because he is beginning to understand that i wont have his dad live with us again, his dad keeps saying to him he loves me and wants us to work it out which i guess maybe playing with his head a little. I had no idea he felt this responsibility or was able to compare his anger with his dads this way, i dont know what to do for him, i dont know how to make tbis hurt go away for him.
Ive got one son hurting so much he just cries and withdraws when we talk about it, and one that just wont take it seriously when we talk about it and jokes and is silly through the whole conversation. I hurt for them and with them and am so confused on how to bring them through it.

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Thankyou.

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Thats the sad thing isnt it. The less contact the better. For them they are laughing, they are happy. They havent asked about seeing him because i told them (detail removed by Moderator) they were not seeing him again. For me my phone is on do not disturb so i never hear it go off, its such a relief it was only when he told me i was out of order that i got angry and responded that (detail removed by Moderator) minutes of my kids crying, (detail removed by Moderator) that i did this.
I dont want to do this, but ive now realised this maybe for the best. His anger at me is taken out on his children and thats not ok.
As much as i feel like its the best decision im scared im making this decision for me, and to try and make things easier for me rather than for my children.

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I do, i treasure those moments more than anything else. I treasure the minutes when they are laughing and dance me around the kitchen, because i remember all those moments they couldnt. Those moments where my worry and my words were shh you wake your dad. Dad had a late night, or those times where we were so quiet for worry of waking him. Its not as bad as i make out, he was never as bad as he could have been. I know that, i know he loves his boys but he loves them on his level, and when they dont do what he wants he shouts and yells. Thats not how it should be, shouting is a final resort when frustration level reaches and they truly dont listen, shouting is something unavoidable but it is not something everyday, it is not something meant to eclipse all happiness and laughter (i know i have high expectations, he told me that often enough).
I dont really talk to anyone, so like you ive come to rely on this forum.
Ive realised that just by saying it, it provides me with a bit more clarity, a bit more insight.
In time i hope it can help me overcome my guilt, perhaps even identify myself.
There are lights at the end of the tunnel, there are stars in the dark- its just being able to remind myself/ yourself of where they are every minute, and more than that being able to see it.

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I did a pregnancy test, yesterday one was invslid. Today was negative. The feeling was indescribable, so much relief. I know its still too early to take the result as true but it gives me hope.
As i sit here now watching my boys play togetber, im filled with so much hope and optimism. This, what im seeing right now is what im doing all this far. To see my boys grow, to watch the respect and friendship they shower on each other, and me. To know, to hope, to believe that what im showing, what im giving them will overtake what they see the first few years. To give them the self respect, the self belief and self value that allows them to build strong, secure and true relationships.
This what im watching right now, what my boys show me, gives me the courage, the push to TRY each day, to live each day.
Im seeing what im doing this for. I feel good today, a bit more secure, but still so very very scared- i dont want to keep being scared. I want to keep doing, i want to keep hoping.
K dont know how much of this makes sense but this helps, more than i realise.

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I kind a lot it today with him, I allowed him to get me. I’ve had my phone on do not disturb it’s been great, I never hear my phone go off. So I ignore everything, then he text me (detail removed by Moderator). I lost it. Telling him, well texting him that (detail removed by Moderator)
(detail removed by Moderator)
I’m tired of all of his controlling and manipulations, now it extends to the kids too.
Just wish I could stop second guessing myself now, could stop doubting. I’m struggling to do what I fear may be the best course of action. I fear that once again stopping him from seeing the kids is the best way forward whilst equally I fear that I want to do rather than feel it’s best.
I dread and fear that I’m contemplating doing that for myself and not my children.

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He text me telling me (detail removed by Moderator)- shouldnt he be wanting them to spend it? Isnt that his way of controlling them- or is it his way of manipulating me?
My kids dont care, i gave them some money it wasnt as much as he did, but i explained i didnt have enough then let them go out when they were ready to- so excited just to be able to spend it, to do what they want.
Me ive just ignored all texts now, whilst i delve in guilt for my kids wrecked christmas (i hope when they think of christmas this year it wont all be bad).
I hope for their sake im through with this, part of me still feels like im.waiting for someone to tell me what i should be doing. Am i dramatising? Was he fair in telling the kids not to spend the money? Is it me trying to control everything and justify it by saying that its him?
I thought these questions were through its been years and yet it seems with the discovery, the reaction of these panic attacks at work i am back to questioning and doubting myself.
How do i know what the right thing is?

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He gave my kids money for christmas, who gives a child under 10 (more than £100 – removed by moderator) but barely even pays child maintenance telling them he will take them shoppin next day. Who expects a child under 10 to wait and spend that money. He tells them to call him when they wake up. They do this, many times with no answer. When he finally answers their call it is to tell the youngest to tell the oldest to shut up cause the oldest is excited and yelling. It is to then to tell them he wants to speak to the grown up then to tell me no way can they spend that money with me, why would i give them that idea (grammar in text means is was obviously sent by my child), then tells us all that he goes to bed at a different time to us and gets up to a different time to us. That he is going back to bed.
Both my kids started crying, telling eachother that daddy was kind to give them that money but really mean to not let them spend it.
Who expects them to wait?
Who wants to get up at 7am with a child, we do it because the childs routine is that, because at this time that is what the child needs/ wants and that is more important.
My son tells me he feels daddy treats him and his brother like rats (why rats? He tried to explain and was saying something about them bein little- i didnt understand it but that is how my child feels).
I cant do this to them now. I told them i would give them some money (not that much i so cabt afford that) whih they can spend now. Their dad can have his money back (i dont know how to explain that to my children, but he cant try and control them like that. Their hildren im so tired of them ceying over him and being disappointed in him. Hes hurtin them so much.
Im stopping contact again for their sake now.
I know hes angry at me, but thats my fault why do my children need to suffer for it.
What have i done

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I don’t believe it, I can’t believe I did this. I invited him for Christmas, I only did this cause my family were suppose to be coming, thought it would be safe, and the kids would get to see him for Christmas, but then my family were ill and didn’t come up. He kept saying to Mr yesterday he couldn’t get up to me, he had his hurt his leg so couldn’t walk, didn’t have the money for s taxi, he wanted to stay the night I told him no. I was being selfish, I need to get off my high horse, I need to start thinking of the kids. I thought he wasn’t coming but he turns up, he was nice to begin, some subtle comments about my being too controlling, not allowing him to drink, when I was letting him see the kids at. Nothing major for him, so it was ok ish I guess.
I slept with him, even know I’m so upset and furious at myself, why why would I do this, I can’t believe I did this. I apologised to him if I was sending mixed messages and then he’s telling me he loves me. I told him he can’t, I don’t even know who me is, how can he love me, he loves the me that is a doormat, the me he knew years ago. I haven’t been physical with anyone since I split from him, and now it’s unprotected and I’m scared to death, what do I do if he’s given me something, what do I do if I’m pregnant. I can’t believe I did this. After this he was exactly what he use to be telling me that everything was fine until I started talking, telling my son that everything has to be done on my say so, that it’s all down to mum except mums changed and wants to control everyone. Telling me that I need to bring the kids to him, and I need to pick them up from him cause he did it. Telling me that I’m messed up and he hopes I get it together soon -off but then that’s fair I guess, cause I did this this is on me. What have I done, I’m so ashamed of myself, I guess at least on here no one knows me and just how stupid I’ve been.

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The kids didnt call him (detail removed by moderator), he called me later than what there bedtime was so i didnt answer call.
He text saying (detail removed by moderator)
Then text again (detail removed by moderator)
Then text again (detail removed by moderator)
Im so scared and i feel threatened by this, im thinking am i overreacting, being paranoid. I dont feel like i am, but im scared i can hear his voice telling me your being paranoid. Your a wreck. Look at you. Wish i knew if what i was feelin is right. I dont know what to do.

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Im trying. I dont know of a third party that i can use, so ive gone back to my solicitor to try and get somethin in writing and official for my peace of mind and so he sticks to it. I will have to go back to her again this week cause a the weekend. I feel physically sick now, on the verge of vomiting. Why doesnt anything i do work?
Im trying my best, i keep trying my best and nothing ever works. When i feel like things are starting to gt better then everything falls apart again. I tried no contact for 2 weeks i did this.
Im literally back to step 1 where i was in (Detail removed by Moderator) when i first left him. Nothings really changed.

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I had some time off (Detail removed by Moderator) when everything was so fresh, i dont want to do it again. Im trying councilling again and have made referrals both in and out of work.
Even now with no contact between me and him he tries to control.
Im screwing up the kids cause they dont call him in the week (they can call if they ask im through keep telling them to call him).
Then the one day he gets them from (Detail removed by Moderator) and then he tells me he wont be here til (Detail removed by Moderator). Am i being dramatic? I never know when it comes him.
Im thinking i need to block his number so he cant even text me, but then how do i allow him to see the kids.
I dont know what to do, i just want a break. I want time to breathe, i feel like im suffocating between him and work and now these panic attacks everything feels too hard. I cant even remember it feeling this hard last year.

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I had counselling last year, it helped so much. There were things then (men shouting, people behind me) that i couldnt handle, not a panix attack (i know that now) but juat distressed. I can handle them now. This is new for me and it makes me feel so hypocritical i tell him about grabbing me but then im grabbing/ albeit retrainin this child. Whilst i logically undertand it, emotionally im not drawing a line and separating. I feel so ashamed that i cant control it, do embarassed that people at work are seein this. Even now on the way to work and i want to scream, i want to cry. With each panic attack i feel as though im losing part of me, as though im losing my sense of myself, of my confidence. (It seems so dramatic to say but no less true). I cant accept that i can make the hardest decisions of my life, come through it and yet im here now in this situation.
I had an appointment with a solicitor i wont have contact with my ex but want him to see the kids (only for a little bit cause dont feel he can handle long periods of time), she thinks hes still emotionally abusive. I think i agree with her. I think the last year ive tried so many thinga to support his relationship with my hildren that ive unintentionally allowed the control and emotional stuff to continue. Im tyin to rectify that but im strugglin to accept that ive allowed it.
I think im broken. I dont know any other way to say it, or what else to feel.
Only my kids and the need to give them the best that i can, that they deserve, the need to change any impressions that may have been damaged by the last few years is what keeps me getting up, going to work, but isnt that wrong as well? Is it fair for them to be my reason?

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I really hope so (for us both). I had another panic attack today, i was able to pull it together but not for long. Really messed up at work. My trigger is a violent (detail removed by moderator) year old at work. That feels really messed up to me that i cant tell the difference between a childs anger and a grown man.
I mean what on earth? How do i move past that? Its such a mess. I wish i had the comfort of believing i am doing the right thing but i dont know that i believe that. I dont know that i have any faith in any decision i make. I mean at one point i loved him, now look at what the situation is? I tbought i had moved forwards, i thought me and my children had come through it now with these panic attacks im really starting to question that.

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I left him in (Detail removed by Moderator), since then ive had a restraining order, which i decided not to file again, ive tried contact centres which didnt work because my kids always wanted to call me and were to clingy to really seperate easily. (Detail removed by Moderator) I dont know that i can do that again but i dont know a way out of it. In last (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks ive allowed my kids chance to speak to him (Detail removed by Moderator) and only reason i allowed him to see them (Detail removed by Moderator) is because it was just for a little bit. Hes ok with them when hes only got them for a couple hours- is that bad of me to think like that?
I wish i knew that what i was doing was the right thing, but i dont, i did counselling. It worked so well. I thought it did. I could hear men shout and not panic or cry, i could sit with someone behind me, i could sleep through the night.
Im struggling again now though, i dont know if its the violence i see at work (Detail removed by Moderator) ( i mean seriously (Detail removed by Moderator) shouldnt i be able to handle that- thats not normal right. Every bit as messed up as he says i am, thats how it makes me feel), or maybe its him grabbing me, touching me that way thats making me take so many steps back. It just feels so trivial, so stupid somehow. I cant get away from that.

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I havent wrote on this in over a year, havent felt the need to. Not even sure how to use this forum now. Where do i even write? Whih topic? Is there any point? I thought things were getting better, the odd arguement disagreement whatever over child visitation. The demeaning remarks, the lack of ever giving me money for the kids just figured whatever. Now its reached a head, and he grabbed my arm during another one of these disagreement this time cause my youngest son didnt want to stay with him. I panicked told him not to ever touch me in anger again. Lots of swearin again, im a mess and screwed up (his words and i guess maybe mine too). Now im back where i was last year, i had a panic attack at work (Detail removed by Moderator) (now all i keep thinking is how am i any different to him?) Logically i get the differenced, emotionally i do not.
Now i wonder do i ever really escape? Was i ever really free? Nothings changed. Im still a coward with no real idea of how to deal with the situation?
Instead im a single mum to two kids, whom im likely mentally screwin up even as i try not to with absolutely no clue as to what im doing. I just want things to be easier, i want to know that im doing the right thing for my kids and not just guess at it.
I want to be able to hear my own voice in my head.
Its been a year, i mean at least me and the kids arent homeless, we’re not sleeping on someones sofa and we’re not living with my ex’s mum wondering what shes telling him next. I guess theres a plus. Small things, i try to remind myself of the small steps ive accomplished for my kids and me bur they arent enough now.

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I’ve tried for 2 bed, and 1 bed. Viewings left, right and centre. Im put with a caseworker from council, I’ve got a floating support worker from an agency. Im still sleeping on someone’s sofa. I’ve made countless offers on places- im not even being that picky. I’ve got a solicitor, I’ve got police involved, I don’t think I can handle a shared house when I don’t know the people.

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Oh god I can’t handle this for another week,let alone a year-how did you manage that? I’ve tried to keep it together, to work and keep things as normal as possible. I don’t want to go back, but at least the children will be happy ish and know where they are. I can’t handle the idea of doing this over christmas- they are my children and I can’t even give them a proper christmas. I can’t even provide them with their own home. This was my choice, I made the choice to leave him. I accept that. But what hurts is that if I had known then where my kids would be now, where I would be now I would never have called the police. I wouldn’t have done this. I would have made sure I stayed the quiet, meek do as I was told person I was. I wish I could go back to that cause he was right- I can’t provide for my children on my own.

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I have tried everything you said, well except for the go part. I got signed off work for 2 weeks due to stress. I’m now scared that I’m on the verge of a breakdown, my emotions are all over the place. The only thing that’s kept me together is the knowledge that if I do break everything it will be used against me by everyone. I phone the domestic violence helpline pretty regular. And have a homeless assessment coming up, I’m trying so hard to push things forward. It’s not actually happening. If anything I believe there getting worse. His mum ignores my kids until he comes round and then she talks to them. I spoke to his sister about a viewing and within hours I’m getting texts from his mum about why I didn’t take it and how short was I financially. There is so much pressure and pushing from them all, I feel like I’m in a fish bowl with everyone around me just watching and taking notes.

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I’m trying to find somewhere but that is taking months, I’ve been phoning the helpline and have recently accessed councilling, but nothing is helping so far. I’m trying so hard on everything. Nothing is actually working so far, and I’m trying to look inward and move forward, but I’m struggling to actually find things I like about myself and just hear his voice in my head and then knowing that every move I make is just being monitored and told around.

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I wan some part of me, I want to have some part of myself. I feel lost and lonely and I don’t know what to do. It’s not that I feel lonely with or without my kids cause I do. It’s not like the kids have the monopoly on it, so I feel better when they are with me cause that’s just too much pressure on my kids. But even when I’m with my kids it’s like I’ve lost. Part of myself, I’ve realised that I actually invested way too much in my relationship with my ex cause I feel worse now, cause I feel so much pressure from everyone. Pressure to be fine. Pressure to be normal. Pressure to be mum. Pressure to be at work. Pressure to be me. When who on earth is me ? Cause my work, my ex’s mum, my ex, evyone else knows who me is. I wish to hell they would clue me in cause I don’t know.

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I wish I could, I live with his mum so can’t avoid her and have no one to help me so can’t go no contact without my kids suffering, without my kids not seeing their dad. I struggle with what to do, I just want to have a life, to have myself somewhere. I’ve realised he was too much a part of my life because I’m struggling to find myself without him.

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I have a non molestation order in place, and I’m going to the solicitor re an order for children to live with me. I know after how abusive and nasty he has been the last couple a weeks that I should call the police, but I’m scared to. I’m worried about doing that because there is the threat of a custodial now and I’m so scared of saying to him no contact with the children. I don’t feel like I should, but in making that decision am I being too blind to everything else?
he isn’t abusive with our youngest, but with our oldest he is now becoming downright nasty. the other day he picked up youngest, and asked oldest if he wanted to go with him, oldest said no (as he almost always does now), and then he gave youngest money and when oldest asked for some he told him no, that youngest had got that for a job that he had done the other day when with him. he could have waited until me and oldest were gone but he didn’t. I wish I knew what to do.
I don’t feel like a great mum. I’m tired of acting like everythings fine with work, they wont help me anymore now. have done all they can, are willing to do. and now I’m trying to get through each day whilst I wonder if I’m on the verge of losing everything I’ve worked for and that I will need to go into a refuge. I really don’t know what else to do, or what is best. I feel like he’s ok with youngest, but if hes treating oldest son like this ( whom is not even ten so oldest is still a baby himself really), then how long before he starts with the youngest. how do I do this?

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I feel like he has won. i think maybe he has won. I thought this was over, I thought things were getting better. before this it seemed that we had something that worked. now everything’s gone to hell again. I know I should call the police, I don’t understand why I haven’t. its now at the point where I don’t even stay on the same side of the road as him, and I just make sure he has the boys safely then I leave. I thought I was getting better, only now I’m ill again and I’m having nightmares again. he was only physically violent twice, and I thought the triggers had eased. they had eased. I wasn’t flinching so much. still don’t like people behind me, don’t like to be touched- it just makes my skin crawl. I tolerate it so no one will veer know how much I hate it, how much it freezes and sickens me. no one knows. not him. not my work colleagues. the only time I’m ok with being touched is from my children. he was shouting through my letterbox (detail removed by Moderator), and I just froze my whole body shaking. doesn’t he realise what hes doing? doesn’t he care? what happened to the man that loved me? ii this karma, have I done something so terrible that I deserve this?
I really don’t know that I have the strength to do this again, I don’t know that I have the strength to keep getting up. I’m tired if it now. I just want to curl up. I just want to be left alone, to have some peace.

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