Oliverainbow

[Oliverainbow]

Hello Everyone. I wanted to say I hope you all had a great new year and thank you for all your messages.

I think the stress of everything had me run down over the Christmas. I didnt really go out and was looking around at cars if I did leave my house. I’m trying to be strong for the children and process things in my head. I know this is going to be a serious battle in the next coming weeks. I don’t think I would even be able to take our son nursery as his dad could always go and collect him. Really dont want him to miss out but dont really know what my options are. WA in my area and social services have been working with no staff over the holidays.

I hope you all are ok x x

[Oliverainbow]

Sorry for the long reply above. I forgot to say, I’m going to contact my local womens aid and also speak to my housing to let them know what is happening as there are a couple of repairs that need to be done to this housing front access which could be a risk

[Oliverainbow]

@kip @diymum@1 @loverofnocontact thank you all for your kind replies. I honestly think I am still in shock. I left out to go to the corner shop this morning and I saw the same make and model of his car on the road. I froze and when I looked at the license plate I realised it wasnt him. I quickly went to the shop and came back because I didnt want to be outside for long. He had messaged me this morning to say (removed by moderator). I was so confused as I was thinking did yesterday not happen, am I making it up. He used to do that when we were together after a big arguement where I would be reduced to tears and next minute your talking fine and saying I love you. I feel really confused. I spoke with my cousin and sent him a text to say (removed by moderator).

He replied with a really long text saying (removed by moderator). I had replied to his message but (removed by moderator). So he has put the blame on me saying I put our son in an emotionally dangerous situation and he was calm and I responded hysterically. Even though (removed by moderator), I didnt scream, I wasnt crying. So what hysterical response was I giving. He keeps repeating that I am now keeping our son from him and it’s not in his best interest and he keeps using all these long solicitor-like words.

To go into more detail about last night, (removed by moderator). I even spoke to my friend today and she said her daughter has been worrying about me and she is only little. That broke my heart.

When my mum was coming to my house she called to ask what his number plate was as she thought she saw his car drive down my road. I immediately turned all my lights off and sat in the darkness with the kids incase it was him driving around. My mum said she doesnt know if it was him and she couldn’t see the car by the time she walked to mine.

I’ve been contacted by the police as they want to know how I want to proceed with things. I just dont know know what to do because even after all the things he has done, it’s like part of me doesnt want him to get in trouble. Does that make me weird. It’s like I’m so used to the stuff he had done previously on his bad days that I still feel sorry for him 🤷🏽‍♀️. I still feel the past few days are surreal. I think where I was always the “yes” and “ok” person, he always had control. Now I’m trying to take my power back he doesnt know what to do and is trying to put me back in the box.

[Oliverainbow]

My ex did the same thing. He hadnt paid any maintenance since last year and every time I brought it up he claimed he didnt have the money. I did my Child Maintenance application and he didnt respond to any their communications. Even though they set a payment date he still hasn’t paid. Child Maintenance seem quite on the ball as he has a few more days to pay through Direct Pay and if not, it will be switched to Collect and Pay. Not sure how much further they can go as hes self employed and I’m sure hes fiddled his books. I wish I would have applied earlier and at least it’s out of my hands as I dont have to deal with him directly about maintenance. It’s just another form of control they use. Stay strong and I would make the application to get peace of mind and they will backdate to the time you call in. X

[Oliverainbow]

Hi Lunamoon. I am currently experiencing what your going through and I’m sorry to hear. We have to keep strong. I sometimes think that I’m making things out to be worse than what they were, but I have to keep reminding myself that what happened did happen. Nothing I am saying is a lie. I’m also accepting that I have no idea what slander my ex partner is using against me, but I cant control what other people say or think about me as they were not the ones in the situation and he is very good at charming people and keeping his mask intact.

I’ve been reading some books pertaining to my situation which does help me to know what I am feeling is real and also I found it helped to keep a mood journal on an app and write down incidents. I’ve been referred to therapy which is specific to DV so I’m hoping that would help. Would those services be available to you?

Stay strong and keep pushing through. You will get your confidence back x

[Oliverainbow]

Morning All. Just wanted to give a quick update. I have social services coming to talk to me about moving forward with the legal route and support for me and my daughter. They spoke to him and he told them, he is not withholding my son, it’s that I dont want him to come home. He lied and said I havent asked him to bring him home and the day I saw him for 10 minutes, I didnt want him to come inside. He also felt the need to tell them the night he took him a&e I was dressed up going out and that I suffer from mental health issues.

I’m not surprised that he lied and I have to keep reassuring myself that I havent done anything wrong. I’m just hoping that I made the right decision to go through the social and legal route because I dont want these issues to carry on. I know he wants me to play this game with him and be ringing down his phone or texting him but I’m tired. I have been speaking to someone every day whether it be the social or the nursery.

Once I see the social case worker I will let you all know what the next steps are. My friends have offered to go down there but because he doesnt let anyone look after him, I know he wouldnt let him go. Another friend has offered to come with me to the nursery if he is in, to collect him as it’s not advisable for me to do it alone if his dad is there.

I’m so thankful for all your continued support.

[Oliverainbow]

Good Evening. Thank you for all your advice. Unfortunately there isnt anyone in my corner who is strong enough to go and speak to him. And I cant reach out to any of his family. I did reach out to his best friends partner last year as he had done something similar and although she was quite supportive over the phone, his friend said that he doesnt believe me.

Today my good friend took me and my other child out to cheer us up and I just felt guilty for trying to lift my mood. I’m hurting so much inside and I’m looking at all the things i could have done to prevent what has happened. I didnt even switch the Christmas tree on as he is missing from the home. My only contact with him is texting his dad to ask how he is doing. I’m scared to say anything more as the way in which he can reply triggers me inside.

I dont feel supported by these external services and I know if the police do a welfare check, he is going to be so angry with me. I have to see my doctor again this week but I know my health wont change until he is back in my arms. 😪

[Oliverainbow]

Good Morning. After speaking to the police they said all they could do was log what I said on the system and give me a crime reference number. She said because he has PR and there is no court order they cant go and bring him home. I gave her some back history on the relationship. I showed her the last text he sent me which she said was very manipulative and also the video of our son crying saying he wanted to come home. She told me to keep all this information and that they can do a welfare check.

I was scared for them to do that as I don’t know what he would come back and do if the police go to his house. I feel a bit defeated because he shouldn’t be allowed to uproot our son out of his routine and home because of lies.

I will have to wait until Monday to speak to social services and solace because nobody called me back on friday. I have just been crying and feel sick as I dont know what the future holds. Thank you all again

[Oliverainbow]

I’m currently at the police station. Thank you for the support to give me the courage. Will update once they have spoken to me x

[Oliverainbow]

Thank you all for your support. It’s been a really hard few days. My son is still not home. His dad unexpectedly text me a couple of days ago and said am I at home because hes outside with our son. I went downstairs and was so happy to see him. He was asking to come inside and his dad said “no we have to go home and take your medicine”. He started crying and saying he wanted to come inside. I’m so weak I didnt run and take him inside. I knew his dad would say I’m withholding him from his medication if I did that. As soon as they drove off I burst into tears and felt hopeless.

As he is still unwell he hasn’t taken him to nursery.

I think I have no other option but to go to the police to tell them and all the other things he have done. I’m feeling really scared and anxious because he is so manipulative. If the police turned up he would probably charm them away and worried about what he would do because I called them.

I was referred to the childrens services and Solace in my borough but the referrals havent gone though. I need my son home with me. It breaks my heart that his dad is keeping him from me and he must be asking for me and his sibling.

I feel I’m not strong enough to go against him and he will make me look like I’m a bad mum because of things he would tell me.

[Oliverainbow]

Dear Voss.

I’m sorry to hear you have been going through this, you don’t deserve this. He sounds very abusive and controlling.

This forum seems to be great for support and also to reach out one to one.

Please hold on to your strength and try To reach out to any support network so you can get your power back.

OliveRainbow x

[Oliverainbow]

Hello All. Just to update as these last couple days have been very draining and quite surreal. My son is home as I collected him from nursery the other day. The police have had to be called on both days because of his irrational behaviour, Today was particularly worse because he followed me to where I was (unknowing to me) and jumped out on me on a dark road. He frightened the children i was with and I’m now scared to be at home incase he just appears 😔

[Oliverainbow]

@diymum@1 Thank you for your reply. I’ve still got the crime reference number the police created for me. I decided I would collect him from nursery tomorrow and as the nursery have said, I also have parental responsibility so I am able to collect him. I felt really pathetic asking for their permission to collect him. I’ve been sitting here thinking that I know I should have messaged him again to bring him home but I just didnt think I could handle the response. When he says things to hurt me it’s like my mind just goes in a clutter and I just go back in my shell. I don’t want when it goes through the legal process that he will say I didnt want him to come home because that isnt true. I was trying to do things the right way because this was a situation I felt I could not longer deal with alone. Him telling me that I’m failing to do what any mother would do and that hes disappointed for our son really hurt me. And triggers past things he says. I’m worried that when I do collect him, what are the repercussions. When he asks to collect him what do I say. I’m feeling really overwhelmed this evening 😪

[Oliverainbow]

@KIP. Thank you. I’m going to let these services lead the way as I have not done anything wrong. I do feel like the more I’ve been speaking about my situation, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer should feel scared or unable to have my voice heard. I just want a legal decision for the best interest in our son and I can truly be free of him moving forward. X

[Oliverainbow]

Thank you all for your support. It’s been a really hard few days. My son is still not home. His dad unexpectedly text me a (removed by moderator) with our son. I went downstairs and was so happy to see him. He was asking to come inside and his dad said (removed by moderator). He started crying and saying he wanted to come inside. I’m so weak I didnt run and take him inside. I knew his dad would say (removed by the moderator) if I did that. As soon as they drove off I burst into tears and felt hopeless.

As he is still unwell he hasn’t taken him to nursery.

I think I have no other option but to go to the police to tell them and all the other things he have done. I’m feeling really scared and anxious because he is so manipulative. If the police turned up he would probably charm them away and worried about what he would do because I called them.

I was referred to the childrens services and Solace in my borough but the referrals havent gone though. I need my son home with me. It breaks my heart that his dad is keeping him from me and he must be asking for me and his sibling.

I feel I’m not strong enough to go against him and he will make me look like I’m a bad mum because of things he would tell me.

[Oliverainbow]

Hello, thank you so much for your reply.

I really appreciate the advice you have given me. I have tried to alter contact times and he has said no and will turn up anyway, to override what I am saying. I have to wait until he arranges contact and then I can plan what I’m doing. He’s told me I am not allowed to leave baby with anyone which again controls me as I’m too frightened if I do and I go out and end up seeing him it will be a massive argument. He said baby is only allowed to stay with people who have children already and when I had said that does not make sense I was insulted and called names.

I will take your advice on speaking to a health visitor and tell them what has been happening.

And yes he only says nasty things face to face and not via message or calls so because he acts so perfect to people they will not believe me. He’s told me because I have had childhood issues that I am crazy and my family and that he has spoken to solicitors and will report me to social services.

And argument he twists and says it’s my fault and I make him angry infront of baby. I feel I have no support to stand up to him and I overcompensate so much. I had to give up my job as he refused to look after baby and help with childcare. He told me he purposefully has baby in the night, but brings him back daytime so he can go gym etc, so that he doesn’t have to pay maintainence.

I am scared as he is such a manipulative and calculated person and I won’t have much luck down the court route.

Thank you for the advice that I will be progressing with next will and I will continue to post.

I appreciate you replying

[Oliverainbow]

Thank you for your response and I am sorry it has taken so long to reply back. I have been feeling very low and my day to day is affected by my situation. I spoke to someone from WR who confirmed this was coercive control and she referred me to speak to a solicitor. It’s very hard in my situation as I have no proof due to him not saying or doing anything infront of people, and everyone thinks he is an amazing man. I will take tour advice on calling the helpline as I am not strong enough to take him on on my own. And I hope to speak to my gp too to advise him on the situation. Thank you again for replying to me x

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