Primrose

[Primrose]

Hi Swanlake,
I came back on here today because I know the young girl that has spent (detail removed by moderator) with my ex abuser (he left me for her and she was only (detail removed by moderator) at the time, still (detail removed by moderator)) is currently suffering. I know this because she contacted me in (detail removed by moderator). It’s been a massive trigger and I’m currently off work and finding it very difficult to cope. I’m not sure what to do or if there’s anything I can do. I told her to ‘run’ and to try and stay safe.
Sometimes it’s easy to just forget it all happened but sometimes things like this bring it all back along with the guilt of letting this man in my life and my children’s life. I’m with somebody new now and I tell him a little but it’s hard to describe what happens when your mind takes you back. I have every empathy for you and wish you all the best in coping. It’s hard.

[Primrose]

Thank you. I’ve been reading the book ‘why does he do that?’. Oh my goodness I’m literally reeling from how it’s made me see through the fog. Since the age of (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) abusive relationships, one after the other being ‘saved’ from the previous relationship by the next abuser. It’s not bad luck; it’s vulnerability and opportunistic men. Not only that but my last boss was also abusive, I found a record of what he had done during my employment (I did this just in case he affected my future job opportunities). In fact he attempted to sabotage a new job by deliberately giving me a poor reference. I went to my union rep and got it fixed but it caused me a lot of damage to my confidence. He was in fact having an affair with one of my friends at work and refusing to leave his wife…he knew I knew about this. I’m now suffering with depression from my current relationship and I’ve had to hand in my notice in my new job. I will be leaving this man, and somehow will find the strength to do it soon for the sake of my children but I don’t think I can ever trust another man again. I’m waiting for him to come home; I’ve been getting the nice, kind but silent treatment. He’s (detail removed by Moderator) and will now be thinking how ungrateful I am….or how lazy I’ve been today. Just got to think about the future without all this and how blissful it will be not walking on eggshells and second guessing his mood.
Thank you for your advice, it’s been such an eye opener.

[Primrose]

Thank you both so much for your replies, it helps so much to know I’m not losing the plot! I’ve just had a look at trauma bonding and it sounds exactly what is happening. Today I just feel like I want to enjoy the good side of him even though I know it’s not real. I will definitely download that book you both suggest, thank you. It’s so hard to leave isn’t it but I guess you’re right it needs to be planned and it probably won’t be easy. I’m scared he’ll do something crazy like try and get in the house (it’s not his, he just kind of moved in) and scare the kids. Or do something humiliating like post pictures of me or even try and kill himself. I do sometimes feel so deeply sorry for him as he lost his brother (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. He says that I’m the only one that made him want to live again. It’s all so difficult 😣

[Primrose]

Thank you so much for your advice. He does stay here every night but not exactly living together. I’m so scared of ending it but you’re right. He’s already called me (detail removed by Moderator) times today and I just feel completely exhausted and drained. When he knows I’m thinking about ending it he’ll suddenly do nice things, flowers, take aways etc…be nice to the kids. I’ll have to somehow tell him so he believes me and leaves me alone.

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