Pudding

[Pudding]

Oh Benson my heart goes out to you. My husband is a master at making me feel my behaviour is extreme. I have had a terrible week trying to understand why I am crying, confused and feeling so abused and hurt. He looks at me with utter contempt and keeps conversation to the minimum.On the face of it he is being calm and polite. His behaviour goes in cycles. This time last week he was raging at me saying I wasn’t even fit to be called a human being, all because I had visited my grandchildren for a couple of days. He was beside himself with rage and anger because this proved how selfish and thoughtless I was and had no regard for his well being. The arrangements I put in place for him whilst on this short visit went well beyond love, care and kindness but is never enough. Last (detail removed by moderator) he went off on his own and when I asked if he would like me to join him for lunch he was appalled at the idea. Today he has gone off again but told me where he would be and the time he would have lunch. I thanked him for the invitation, to which he replied it was not an invitation it was up to me wether I turned up.
My instinct is to stay away but I know he will use this as yet another example of my difficult, weird behaviour.
I am going to have a shower and spruce myself up. I know I am better than this and my plight is nothing compared with what you and so many on this forum talk about. I wish I could wrap you in a big, big hug. X

[Pudding]

I have only just read your news. It is fantastic. Big hug

[Pudding]

Hi this is my first post . I am so happy to have found you all. Reading this blog filled me with awe. The courage shown by you all is an inspiration. I am old and tired and to my shame have been in a controlling, abrusive relationship all my adult life. In the beginning it made me feel secure and loved but those feelings were soon replaced by fear and self loathing. My husband is mentally unstable, unpredictable and very abusive regardless of where we are.I planned leaving many times and did manage to get away three times but he always pulled me back. Both our children suffered mental damage long into their adult life. Without the fantastic support of their spouses , friends and therapists they too would have become abusers. They both left at the first opportunity. My son at (Detail removed by Moderator),my daughter at (Detail removed by Moderator) both preferring foster homes and hostels to their home. I was devastated, heartbroken and very ashamed but still I stayed. To this day just remembering those years gives physical pain. I begged for help from my doctor and social services but they couldn’t  make the choice for me. The children were physically safe. I was well educated and financially independent. I had a very good job which I loved. I was weak and cowardly. I had money, good friends and a supportive family.

I don’t  know what happened to me. I gave up. I am by nature undemanding, easy going, kind and generous. I was brought up in a large chaotic , poor , working claas family.  I was used to standing on my own two feet from an early age. I had encountered regular,  normal family conflicts that were resolved mostly by a shouting match then followed by a sorry all round and a cup of tea. The first long freeze and verbal dressing down was a shock but was nothing to what followed. I allowed him to knock the stuffing out of me, to take away my identity.I am still trying to find me. I feel reading about your courage has already made me feel stronger. Thank you, a big, big hug. I wish I had dug deeper and found some of it.

[Pudding]

Hi Benson
I am so glad to hear you are doing well. You are brave and strong. Thank You for giving some of that to me. My children and grandchildren are pure sunshine in my life. I keep their photographs with me and when I see them we make videos together. This helps me to remember the really important things in life. I have leaned over the years words can only hurt me if I let them. Some days I struggle that’s when I hit the floor. Finding this forum has help me get up. Thank you all you lovely people. X

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