Rainydays

[Rainydays]

Have to write.
Been physically sick all morning.
(detail removed by Moderator).
He smashed a hole in the wall. Slamming doors so hard, throwing things. Shouting, spitting in my face – his face right in mind, couldn’t get away.
Abused everything – me, my family, my life, how I look, what I do – how I look like (detail removed by Moderator), don’t do what he tells me/what I’m told, a disgrace to my parents – that if I even think of calling the police, he’ll destroy me, my job, my life – ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’, he’d (detail removed by Moderator) but can’t be bothered but I shouldn,t think he won’t. He’s going to find women to have sex with since I’m a (detail removed by Moderator)’ and it went on, and on, and on …………
I’m going to buy a tiny security camera today because how else will anyone believe me, it would be his word against mine.
And he’s drinking, bottles and bottles of wine.
Oh God – help

[Rainydays]

I don’t want s.x with strangers, I don’t want to dress like a tart – just want to live a life, nothing grand, nothing excessive ……………. but there’s no life – not unless I bring strange men home for s.x in front of him (detail removed by moderator)

[Rainydays]

Firstly sorry.

I feel like such a lost cause.

Read my own threads on here and …………….

Need to talk to someone today though.

He says he’s in a bad way, mentally. That’s my fault. I force him to go to a job he doesn’t like, for a boss he doesn’t like and – back to the usual – (detail removed by moderator) Not have to go to a job he hates, for a boss he hates. So his bad mental health is my fault and I should put it right (detail removed by moderator)

He says I don’t give him sex/intimacy – how do you do that when all he wants from me is my pension, money and to give him sex. We have no cuddles, there’s no touching of any kind. (detail removed by moderator)

(detail removed by moderator) I feel so sick and whereas I used to take pride in my clothes, how I look – now I just wear black, try to hide, merge with the crowd, I’m scared of anyone looking at me in case he gets to know and then he’ll want to know why I didn’t flirt with them and more.

Where we live is in my sole name, my tenancy and I can financially cope with its outgoings on my own. I know I should change the locks, get his stuff out – but now I have to admit that I am scared. Scared of him, what he’ll do and worst of all that he might show up at my work – I’d be mortified. Work is my only sanctuary.

It’s always my fault, everything is my fault – he takes no responsibility for anything. Everything I do, say, wear is wrong. He’s miserable, always swearing about other people and at the television and calling everyone the c…t word which makes me sick to my stomach. My theory is say nothing and then he won’t start shouting and yelling and telling me how useless I am but that’s wrong, I’m a moody bitch with nothing to say for myself and that means (in his head) I’m admitting that I’m wrong and that I know it’s my fault he hates his life.

When I leave work, I’ve found a lay-by and sit there for sometimes an hour, until it feels like I have to go home, but I walk through the door and he doesn’t even look up, not a word, I cook dinner, sort washing etc etc, eat in silence, wash up, he slopes off to bed – that’s it Monday to Friday. If I ask what he wants to do at the weekend – I get ‘why do I have to decide?’ ‘you’ll do what you want’ – he doesn’t decide though, he does nothing, moves from bed to sofa and watches tv all weekend. But that’s my fault – that he has no life – then back to the usual (detail removed by moderator)

He wants ‘us’ to move because he doesn’t like where we live. (detail removed by moderator)

Am I really such a bad person …………… can’t remember who I am now. Feel lost, sick, scared, alone – all I hear is – his life is so bad because of me, everything is my fault, everything ……..

[Rainydays]

Hello – is there anyone out there who has had bullying – threats that if he doesn’t get what he wants, money, sex – in his words in his text messages to me – ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’
‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ – so – do as I’m told or else ????

[Rainydays]

Sitting here now I feel so sick – scared and sick – tired and sick and my head is thumping, had another email telling me his life is a mess and if I got my act together and (detail removed by moderator) he could (detail removed by moderator) and be happy. I want to run but another part of me is saying no, the home we share is a sole tenancy in my name it is my only home, I chose it and I want to live there (it was my home before he moved in). Why do I have thoughts in my head that I should do more to help him, but not my (detail removed by moderator), it’s my only financial security for my life, however many years I have left. My only calm time is when he leaves the house in the morning and when he falls asleep at night. Then I come back and for the time in between I can be me and I suppose, I hide in those hours. But then the text messages start and the sickness/headaches/chest pains return and the darkness sweeps back over me. And I know I wish I hadn’t woken up again this morning because if I hadn’t it wouldn’t be hurting so much.

[Rainydays]

Please tell me if anyone else experiences this – whenever I receive his text messages detailing all the things I do wrong, how I’ve made his life a misery, how I need to (detail removed by moderator) ‘or I (detail removed by moderator)’ – my head hurts so much. I’ve started taking migraine relief because the pain in my head starts straight away now and there’s a pain in my chest. Feel like I’m sinking. Every day, text after text about me (detail removed by moderator), me have *** with other men because that’ll please him and turn him off and then he’ll be nice to me – it just goes on and on and my head hurts so much.

[Rainydays]

I need help – where do I go first ??

[Rainydays]

So sorry to burden you all with my woes and sad world ………….. I was quite a heart on my sleeve, feeling, , happy, giggly, sympathetic person but now I feel like I’ve shut down – can’t remember the last time I laughed, wanted to wake up in the morning, was looking forward to something, anything – life just seems like a blank and I don’t even cry anymore – not even when he’s silent with me or shouting or moaning or telling me the endless list of things that are wrong with me/that I do wrong/say wrong/wear wrong. And then out of the blue I get a text saying that (detail removed by Moderator) (ie go with other men), he’ll stay with me, followed by a text saying he wants to visit his mother and I need to go with him …….. (detail removed by Moderator) his text messages were saying he was off to cheat because anyone else would be better than me, who he wouldn’t bother touching – then there was the (detail removed by Moderator) – and endless texts about how I make his life a living hell. Just endless mind games that numb me ………….

[Rainydays]

He hasn’t spoken to me for weeks/month or more – just endless text messages telling me he wants my pension money so he doesn’t have to work. There’s no intimacy, nothing – won’t even look me in the eye. So I live in silence and now the text messages have returned about him wanting me to have *** with other men, whilst he watches, joins in, or I go out, flash at blokes, get ***** and then tell him about it – if I do that he’ll be nice to me.
I don’t understand – he treats me with contempt/silence/just wanting my money and then thinks I am going to prostitute myself for his gratification – just feel so worthless and scared …………. such a bad day today.
Want to just run ..

[Rainydays]

Hello
I hear your pain when it comes to your other half wanting you to go with other men, which he likes but you do not.
Mine is the same, but so far I have got away with not indulging him in this but he sends me texts every day saying he’s lining up blokes to come to the house, meet me, take me out and have *** with me. It’s like he thinks I am a prostitute. We have no intimacy, no hugs, kisses, holding hands, nothing – we live in silence, he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even look up from the sofa when I walk in the house/room and yet he sends me texts telling me to basically get out there – flash at blokes and get myself ***** and then go home to him, tell him all about it and then he’ll be nice to me. And of course, if I loved him, I would do this for him.
I feel so sick and scared that one day I will go home and he’ll have bloke(s) there waiting – because that’s what he threatens all the time.
Stay strong and as for any photographs/videos he has – there are laws now to stop him distributing them and if he even tries – contact the police immediately.
Stay safe.

[Rainydays]

Thank you nbumblebee and lifebegins – your words make sense.
I read them and at the same time I got a text from him – seems he fell over on his way to work today – that’s down to me, because he has to work because I won’t release my pension money so he can stop working, I don’t know how to answer the text, part says don’t but if I don’t – it’ll just be worse because I’ll be bombarded with texts saying I don’t care, so now I feel sick, my heart is racing, I want to run – if I don’t answer they’ll be reams of texts telling me how rubbish I am, uncaring, how he’s going to have a heart attack, a breakdown, crash the car – I’ve had it all before from him – I’m so scared, it’s constant, never ending, bombarding me all the time – just want him to stop, please stop ..

[Rainydays]

Thank you nbumblebee – my heart feels for you too – sounds as though you know/understand exactly.
I have a picture of him in a frame, taken a year or so after we met, that was the man I fell in love with, back then it all seemed right but ………… even as I am writing this, my memory is saying ‘was it?’ – am I now remembering little things/clues that I never saw but I don’t know anymore, my brain just feels so scrambled and it all hurts.
I don’t understand why he has destroyed us – he has and has always had, someone who loved him without condition, would have taken a bullet for him, saw only a future of growing older together – doing all those things we loved, holidays, eating out ….. But now, I can’t see any future, I don’t know where I’m going except I know in years that I am closer to the end than the beginning – I don’t know what the point is anymore …

[Rainydays]

Thank you so much Lifebegins – thank you for listening and in turn, I am listening to you (I’m here again this afternoon because it seems it’s my fault that he can’t get the train he wants, because of strikes – but that’s down to me – if I’d cash in my pension, he wouldn’t have to worry about getting trains because he wouldn’t have to work) – its never ending

[Rainydays]

I’ve read other ladies accounts on here and why? why are we being treated this way. And why can’t I summon up the courage to end it all? Everything, everything is my fault – things not right at his work, him not being able to get time off for a doctors appointment, the weather because he’s stuck in England and would be abroad if I got my pension cashed in, being told he’s going to cheat, he can do so much better than me – my fault because if I cashed in my pension or chased my ex for more money – he could leave his job and live off my pension/money from my ex. And me? I never get mentioned and now he’s cut me off from his family, tells me nothing unless I overhear it on a telephone call – even a recent death in his family (someone who I knew and showed me only kindness)- I’ll just carry on working to fund his life style. Every day horrible text messages – always the same – asking when I’m going to get my pension cashed in, it’s my fault he’s in a job he hates, it’s my fault he’s not happy, his life is hell because of me, I’ve brought this all on myself (his silence towards me, one word answers if at all) – I caused this because I haven’t got the money to allow him to stop work. I know I’m not alone – so many of you live this life, I feel sick to my stomach, can’t eat, keep up the pretence to my work mates/boss that life is ‘fine’ – but I never talk about home/life outside work – because it doesn’t exist. I’ve even stopped crying and sometimes I feel really strong and believe the horror story that he is, I can cope with but then my strength goes and I’m believing his words again – I want to run, get away, to not be around anyone, some mornings I just don’t want to start another day. After all – for what

[Rainydays]

That’s what he says ..

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