Recall

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Littlelemon1234,

I understand where you come form and your thought process because it was much like mine. You should be so proud of yourself for how far you have came and taking this time to focus on you does always mean you will be hyper vigilant with men. I won’t lie, when I first started dating after leaving him, it took me quite a while to love myself and trust myself rather than anyone else. You progressively get there after time but don’t rush yourself. It’s okay to be cautious about men because when the right one that comes along, he will support and care for you enough to understand your reservations as well as understand that he will earn your trust and comfortably rather than it being something that is just given. Your taking the first steps of restoring you and how you feel in yourself. Take this time to believe in you again because honestly just having the strength to remove yourself from a relationhip/situation like that shows your wanting to love yourself again. Don’t ever hate yourself over wanting to make sure it’s right before making a commitment to someone again because it’s okay to be vigilant to make sure it’s what you want.

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I can’t because he didn’t do it intentionally, he didn’t know I worked there but (detail removed by moderator).

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Freedomtochoose,

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I just don’t understand how some men think their actions and attitudes are okay when they are seriously polar opposite.

Yesterday was just a horrible day, I just kept randomly bursting out in tears because I felt so broken and betrayed ones again, And it gets trying picking up all the pieces over and over again but I know it’s something I need to do. I’m just so scared of letting people in because for a while I wasn’t scared to share my story and show they scars because I wasn’t ashamed because I was starting to get my confidence again but I feel like that was all stripped away from me (I’m hoping unintentionally)!

I don’t want to find someone who is able to “deal with me and my past” but rather tries to understand what happened and wants to show me that they are not all the same. For (Detail removed by Moderator), i feel like I shouldn’t have to worry about what I wear invade that’s an intisement for someone to take advantage again invade I gave off the wrong vibe. I should be so scared to walk with my head up and make eye contact because I’m petrified of who’s there and try to act invisible.

But, thank you for making me realise I’m not on my own, cause sometimes you feel like your lost in the black hole but haven’t been sooked in quite yet.

[Recall]

Dear Poodlepower,

I am worried about speaking out because it was over (Detail removed by moderator) years ago and I’m scared that no one will believe me. The sad thing is that I don’t even think he thought it was abuse because at first I didn’t, it’s only once I seeked help for other issues that they told me that what I described to them is rape and abuse, where as I just believed that it was his entitlement because “I was his and only his” and that he used to say it was the way I would have to show him that “I love him” and that it was way of ensuring I wouldn’t go with other men and “protecting me” from the horrible people in the world.

I remember speaking to one of my ex friends about it and I was basically was made out to be a liar, that what I said didn’t happen because if it had then I should have just left and they had known him for years and he was never like that (hence why they are an ex friend now). I’m so scared that this rejection will happen again….

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Thank you BakingQueen, you are right take every small victory we have because to anyone else doesnt understand until you have been at the recieving end of the volatile acts of rape and abuse, and i would never wish anyone to ever be placed in the position i was in.

Dear PoddlePower,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. So much of what you shared resided with me because I experience much the same, of making reasons for his actions and think it’s because he loves me that he wants to protect me from everyone else but really I needed protecting from him. But its been (detail removed by moderator) since I found the courage and left him but I have recently found out he is with a new woman and I fear for her, i feel so helpless and worried because if he did even a single thing that he did to me to her, even though I don’t know, I wouldn’t forgive myself 🙁

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Dear Fridges,

I am so relieved to read its not just me that thinks I send out some sort of siren call that says come treat me like a doormat and use me for anything, even when I object…
I know your right, I cant rely on others to respect and support me if I cant see how much I owe living my life for me and look out for me for a change. I understand that life can be rubbish, and can seriously try to knock you off track and send you down the wrong path but sometimes I forget to pause and think about, even though the abuse happened to me (in multiple different ways, by multiple different people) without them I wouldn’t be who I am today. Yeah I know I’m slightly unhinged and have my good and bads days/moments but I don’t have to let the past define my future. The flashbacks are awful, and I don’t think you can ever explain to someone how real they feel unless they have experienced it or had them themselves. Its something I would never place upon anyone, even my worst enemy. Don’t get me wrong there are days that I cant leave my bed/house out of fear and anxiety but I also have to remember the days that I have that are good for me, may seem just an ordinary day to someone else but to me its a day not constantly worrying and fearing the unknown. Does that make sense?
Talking to womans aid and writing with yourself/the forum has helped me feel understood, unashamed and stronger because you let me express feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety, sadness, anger and so on without judgement but with true understanding. I don’t feel so ashamed to admit what he did was wrong, its not just something men are “entitled to” when in a relationship, its not something I should be manipulated and threatened into, its not meant to be rape…it should never be but finally saying and acknowledging that that’s what he and others did to me doesn’t make it seem so shameful and as if it was my fault anymore. And for that I cant thank anyone enough….

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Hi Fridges and SunshineRainflower,

I thank you so very much for the advice. I sounds strange but in such a dark time its feels like im finally not on my own with what has happened. Its been (Detail removed by moderator) years since that horrific relationship but the fact that the abuse (mentally, verbally, sexually and physical all seem to be embedded into me that that is what a relationship is “meant to be like”, I feel like that is normal terrifies me. I don’t know where to begin to speak about it because no one knows and the sad part is I dont even think he thought he was doing anything wrong, no matter how much I expressed how it made me feel, he didnt care! I constantly doubt myself, continually worry about whos around me and who is watching, I am so angry that he does this, doesnt realise he has done wrong then gets to pretend that life is normal whereas im left with a broken, scarred and warped sense of what “normal” is!

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Definitely. Without this forum to be honest, I don’t think I would be here.

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Freedomtochoose thank you so much. I have been getting myself so upset and angry today because of it all. The only time I feel understood is when I talk to all the ladies on here because I feel like unless you’ve been in that scenario you can’t and hope you never will understand it because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I have unbelievable trust issues and when I finally let someone into to see that more vulnerable side he basically uses it against me and makes me feel even more worthless than I already think of myself. I feel like I’ve forgot what it’s like to have a good day that isn’t trampled by a bad experience or situatio, in one way or another. So I thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone in how I process this scenario.

[Recall]

Hello, fridges…

The recalls have gotten so much worse when this ex sat two seats infront of my one the bus. The panic attack was unreal, the pain in my chest and the fear. I got so frustrated because how can one person still hold so much control over you even once they arent there anymore. I had buried everything that had happened and question why its all coming back now, there are days where I go for a scolding hot shower and just scrub at my skin because I feel tainted in some way but I know that not to be true. My therapist says that I have to wait for treatment until August but I feel the nightmares and flashbacks are becoming more and more regular, more detail and more terrifying. I dont know what I can do 🙁

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