Reeds-not-oaks

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi Maddox

So much is happening so much to think about. You can work it out in digestible bits. At your pace. There is no time pressure for your heart.

Be gentle with yourself. The thoughts spinning can be a sign of extreme stress. But it will not always be how it is now.

Sending you so much strength

Reeds x

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi

So glad you posted. There is so much pain in your post. It reminds me of the feelings I had not that long ago.

I hope you Keep posting what you need to say.

This world is not perfect. But there are people here who understand.

Sending you a supportive hug too.

Reeds x

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi
Wow a fabulous post. So many comments already made that fit with my life too.

Freedom is being me in my terms.
Freedom is peace.
Freedom is the joy of knowing I left rape harassment and fear behind.
Freedom is moving through victim to surviving then thriving.
Freedom is being proud to be a woman.
Freedom is looking forward to my first holiday abroad alone but not lonely.
Freedom is liking me and who I’ve chosen to become.

Reeds x

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Maddog

Hi again:-)
I support our sisters comments. Remember if you can, that abusive relationships change our thinking. Abusers deliberately undermine our belief in ourselves. They try to make us believe what we think and feel is wrong.
So they can control us and get their needs met.

You are amazing. You’ve not lost your inner compass. You are fighting through the fog of abuse and connecting to your emotions. That’s brilliant and shows so much strength.
That is awesome in the circumstances. Hold on to that if you’d like.

Your gut/instincts will never lie to you. An abuser will. Fear is a warning. It is an alert to something being wrong.

You know what you’ve experienced. Your feelings knew the truth. You’re understandably wobbly. After all the stress and abuse who wouldn’t?
If boundaries are tough do what you can. For a short while it’ll be ok.

One thing at a time. You’re working things out. That’s true smarts and strength.

Lean on the professionals you feel safe with. Keep posting here.

We are with you.

With sisterly love,
Reeds

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi Maddog

I’m so glad you’re getting external support. There is more than one situation/style of rape (if that makes sense?). It takes time to unpick but you are doing that. I’m so proud of you.

It takes courage to fully understand this stuff. If we’re still being/feeling traumatised it’s no wonder it’s difficult to fathom let alone say. Be as gentle with yourself as you can.

It’s not uncommon to be unclear on things. But you will with time.

Know you’re not alone. You are in my thoughts. You have found yourself in a storm. The storm is blowing you about. But it WILL pass.

Sending love and support
Reeds

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi
So glad you’ve posted. You are truly wise and strong in honouring your emotions.

I think you know the answer already. Your post tells me so. But having been there (find my old posts) I get the confusion. If you took away his words what have your perceptions told you? Legal definitions are one thing. But what we feel are violations matters more. I have learnt to trust my perceptions over anyone else. It is how I learnt to honour my needs.

I hope you are supported. Here is great. But I found private confidential conversations with Women’s Aid and Rape crisis useful. You may too.

Your mental health is precious. Especially in a divorce. You are so strong but sound tired. Another reason perhaps to find someone safe to talk to.

You are in my thoughts. I admire your strength. Know people care.

With love
Reeds

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi Ayanna Hi Iamme

I now get why A may have been interested in my story. We have some things in common.

I came from a culture that has rigid ideas about women and sex. My family were abusive. Together It did not teach me about my right to be treated with kindness and respect. It did not let me know sex is consent based and should be what both want with no coercion. I did not know I could refuse. I did not understand the pressure of those values to submit. But that is not consent.

Yes there is a long way to go in the way rape is understood. But We cannot be responsible for what someone else chooses to do. Nor should I feel bad if they do something We don’t want and/or is wrong. We are not at fault being dissatisfied with a faulty world.
You sound angry.
Rightly so.
Use it as fuel.
It can protect you and your children.
It can get you well.
Anger after is so healthy. It says it’s wrong what they did is wrong and how society thinks and responds is still wrong. And ironically that is so very cool. Because it also says you know you’re worth something.
Incidentally I know some men are a problem. But I was helped by two male therapists who wanted to cry as I cried and felt disgust at what some men do. (It’s why they do what they can to help.)
If I had had to face that early on it wouldn’t have helped. But later when it felt right for me. It’s given me hope that I can have a real friendship based and loving relationship with a respectful woman liking man.
Anger is healthy. Even in women (despite what they say).
It is what can get you out, then free, then happy.

I wish you every support and everything you deserve.

Reeds

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Thank you Ayanna.

Strength is such a funny word. In the world people think it’s being an oak sturdy unmoved. I think strength is like a reed. It’s still delicate but it bends and recovers.
All the best with wherever you are in this profound process.

[Reeds-not-oaks]

O et al.

My ex was number 3 too. A lifetime of early experiences primed me for the abuse. It took its destructive toll…

My daughter struggles with learnt behaviour. It’s hard but I have vowed to be there, however much she acts out. She hates boundaries. But, she knows in her heart the truth.

My son was ripped away, but, when I found him two years ago I decided to play the long game. I have no doubt in my love for my children. So don’t doubt yours ladies,never. So my advice is take the straight line of true strength/gentle maternal power.

As for what’s left in you. Use that anger. Process it however you can. Don’t let their actions be a cancer in your life.

I now paint out my anger/grief/frustration. But EMDR changed the abuse from the thing that happened, to a thing that happened. Subtle yet powerful.

I choose to use the hunger for an old lifestyle to fight for it for me. Fight for you. What you want back you probably made. Make it again for you.

X. Reeds

[Reeds-not-oaks]

/\5 the spirit is stronger than any mans hate x

[Reeds-not-oaks]

KIP

Good on you. /\5. So happy for you.

Falling, bless you honey, and thank you for seeing it.

X

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi Lisa and Falling.

Thank you.

Just baking myself a ham with marmalade and ginger together with garlic oregano spuds. Trifle for afters.

Lovely pets cuddling me.

Cappuccino in a nice cup n saucer.

Freedom rocks. Never giving this up.

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hey

You can’t go back because you choose you and your kids. You also know the truth. You’re brave to be so honest.

Cry, sob, get snotty faced, hug yourself. Your vulnerability is your strength. You don’t feel it now, but one day you’ll realise that that was what it was all about.

Abusive men can’t face theirs.
So they try to use yours.
Doesn’t that tell you it’s precious and valuable. And it’s part of you!
Naturally beautifully it’s who you are.

One day you’ll know.
But for now through the stress, and tears know you’re a lion who just feels like a sheep. (What you feel doesn’t change what you are.)

Take care X

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi LONC

Fabulous to see another old timer. Such kind comments.

I didn’t know what a narcissist was, let alone a covert! It’s certainly been an education.

But You know I realised I was always well. My reactions were a normal response to crazy behaviour. I was always right about his behaviour. But the world didn’t want to see. To be fair he didn’t make it easy st times. I also needed help to learn not to react in certain situations. Bloody hard but not impossible, with support.

Not reacting leaves the network with just a man making drama 😉

Luckily, time (and truth as you say), really does help.

Take care

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi KIP

It’s been an age. Nice to see an old face 🙂

My lovely I hope you get what you want. Stay hopeful x

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