SamSun

[SamSun]

What helped me get out of (removed by moderator) years of abuse with a master manipulator narcissist.
(Removed by moderator), ago now, even though I am still managing the aftermath.

The best thing I can tell you right now is that I was really scared “if” I did get him out of my life I would regret it. Today I DO NOT REGRET IT. IT WAS THE BEST THING I DID. I only should have done it sooner without letting others create doubt and uncertainty on what I already knew about me. I did not and could not trust him. There was a real reason for this and I did not really have to spend years trying to work it out.

Writing the bare bones about me, what was really going on. It was there right from the start …charming hell.
I tested a few confidants but not being professionally trained they left exasperated.
They dropped off radar.

I noticed a year later telling people close to me only seemed to perpetuate the grief of self doubt.
That it was something I was doing something I could change.

He was absolutely charming and devoted socially and those around us together did not believe me (church folk).
I only really got to sense and notice the person he truly was when we lived together.
It was all an illusion, a set up. He had a purpose.
He would disappear, do odd things, (removed by moderator).

He had moved over to live with us, then took over. Very swiftly and smartly he took over what was my (removed by moderator) at friends. He worked on them too and they adopted him and then later they kicked me out when I had asked him to leave. They kicked me out because of his fat lip and his big fat lie.

Thankfully I had taken a job. Similar jobs that had been offered and refused previous year or two, because I was not ready to see it then still struggling with the work and home conditions with him taking over everything.
I checked and managed my finances to straighten out the shift. A free online C A P money management programme. Easy to use worksheets to sort out what I live on.

He left some debt. I paid it. Money comes and goes.
I lost what I thought were dear friends – over 10 years. They don’t know who he is …..very painful. The last 2 years they got tired of my tears and upsets about things they did not really believe. His heavy use of porn, the adult sex network mail, the constant new contacts on phone and skype. His promoting shared car journeys to cut costs opening and adding more and more contact details …. often explicit private photos on his facebook being shared and commented on by new fresh faces ….all women mostly women ,….most of the time being very familiar.

Believe me I am not possessive but it really was a problem.
Now I can see the whole thing differently. For what it was.

He needed a home, a bed, a domesticated sex pet basically to take care of his needs while he managed his singledom fantacies on line. Made me feel I was dull and boring not to be up for things.

Things did not get better, he was a master planner and knew exactly how to keep my vulnerabilities to heel.
I can run a whole list now, but back then I could not bear it all. Round and round in a cycle.

Today I understand more fully that I was caught in a web of his deceit, constant fibs, manipulating and charms to trigger responses. I was really hooked, it was like a drug. (Im going to keep it simple here – no point dragging all the muck back up)
He was grooming me and set up adult network profiles.
I backed out and then he turned to a different game plan.
He humiliated me socially and worked on my friends to create even more self doubt.
He would make me feel it was me, that I was possessive and jealous.
That he found my need for attention suffocating.

I was trying to find intimacy and connection but he was very alluding disappearing all the time and basically we never talked ..he never shared anything normal about himself, his day even … it became a strange thing to notice what he did choose to talk about … then it got really weird.

The new job added more stress but because of it I had to organise myself differently.
I noticed I could not keep tabs on everything he was doing.
All his locked down computer skype mobile checks on daily traffic.
His daily whereabouts became out of my control, like I had any control really.
I found a space at work to see things differently.
I knew I was not getting any support from him. That actually he was using me.
That on my home comings, I noticed that after 3 months I was looking at him differently
I started to make a plan.
I started to look for alternative options to this plan.
Writing a safe list, of those who could help with what without asking questions.
I decided to ask him directly to leave.
I did it after a fight over his new set of fibs. I hit him and he left telling my friends I abused him.

Then I changed the locks, packed everything that was his, EVERYTHING.
I removed all access and contact links.
Rang the police about (removed by moderator) and to check if I could get him out of the county.
Legally I have no control or power over his personal use of them but he cannot blackmail or post them.
He moved in with my friends.
He lied to them and they think I am mad, possessive and jealous.

I dropped out of going to church (16 years and not one person has called!)

Today I know he comes and goes with them still but after having moved all my work things away I have now cut all ties with them.

My self employed business can be worked on again. I now focus on how to manage the stresses of the new job better, although I feel alone most of the time. Recently, I met a familiar mum face from primary school run, and was truthful about the episode and she confided in her own narcissistic experience. Telling me that it was a mental health sickness. For the first time I felt that someone actually believed me and I wept with relief. I now feel much stronger, more myself again, although I seem to be hyper sensitive still to domineering bully types rail roading stuff. My anger is now focused on managing priorities and looking for a new (removed by moderator) work space. I have had to dump a lot.
I still wake sometimes in the night with anxiety and grief but then remember. Being mindful not to stir up I then focus on my goals.
I once heard someone tell me “at least he didn’t hit you”
I spit sometimes over the dumb things people have said.
Abuse comes in so many forms. I am sad mostly that I did not trust and listen to myself. Did not act sooner.
For my daughters sake. I found it easier when I thought of her … but then he was so clever with her but she was having none of it. She couldn’t stand him, always leaving the room. How could that continue to be a normal relationship.

This was a lot tonight. Heavy again. I feel I am able to let go of this. Tomorrow I throw the key for good. It is my last trip there then it is all over. And I will not be looking back if I can help it. They will never find out what I know. Now I will work on finding better things to do.

Good night.
Please do not despair, prepare instead your thoughts quietly to make a plan.
X S

[SamSun]

PS
The abuse went on for (removed by moderator) years. My father met another women in therapy for anger management! She got pregnant. Eventually another violent row and then he left to live with her.
My mother got kicked out of the tied job/house my dad had left. My mum was offered a house, got benefits and started working part time. Mother still living in the same house with her 2nd husband (30 years married) two more grown children have flown her nest. No one could tell or know, but we 3 children know. The immediate family do not speak of such things EVER! My mother still thinks she could have changed him. He left because he had made another bed, but the damage had been done.
I know this may not be remotely close to your reality but the story is still an ongoing recovery of loss and healing and forgiveness.
It could have been so different. I am a different women because of it and take action. I do not tolerate abuse or bullying in any form. I am the neighbour who rings, I check, I sit and wait. As a mum I struggle with my teenage daughter but we are communicating and have boundaries so if I am stressed I can take the time to come back. I hope my story and experience somehow helps, puts light on how important we all are. That we are made more vulnerable if under threat of abuse and sooner rather than later we need to take a step away from it … to stop it. X

[SamSun]

You are so brave do you know that. You are speaking about it. You are taking a step back to see it, to hear it.
Do not think you are alone. Get help, get the support you need professionally. Contact this forum helpline number as soon as you can.
I am an adult now, but was one of three children who had to grow up and endure early years of violent aggressive and abusive domination from a bullying father my mother was broken. A child cannot protect themselves from physical or verbal abuse. My brother and sister also have had to manage very difficult years of recovery and healing. It affected our childhood and developing years. I have always felt different to everyone else. I will always be affected by the trauma and abuse beset upon me that I did not choose. My father still struggles with his demons, had more kids he could not manage. As an adult I recognise that I needed protection. My mother did not get support, she waited, stuck, overwhelmed, expecting someone to come rescue her and her kids. It did not happen. The family turned a blind eye, everyone afraid and exasperated by the drama and threat of social services. Being dependent on him financially meant my mum felt hopeless. Today there is even more support and more acceptance, safe places to go for refuge. You have the best thing in life “a child” that needs your protection, not sympathy from others. You have work to do. You can do it. Women can work together to get things right again. May you be strong. X S

[SamSun]

Hello
I have journals and note books filled with every list and episode to help me work it out. The councellor, relate and friends did not know the half of it. The focus always being on communication and the relationship. When I re-read the notes I started to ask myself what sort of relationship am I having with myself continuing with this person? What would support me in being my best self, safe, loved, respected and valued to help build my fullest potential. Little ol me asking a big question as if I could be like all those women I think have something far more than me. Quality initiated love, attention and support from a kind, thoughtful man. Instead what I did learn in reality is that so many of the women I know are in a relationship doing all the work, all the changes, making huge sacrifices to give “the benefit of the doubt” another year. Read about narcisstic behaviour. DO NOT DOUBT YOUR TRUTH AND INTUITION. Red flags, triggers, shifts, will help you take steps to stand a true reality check. Write it all out to yourself, keep it flowing, let it all come …even the ugly bare bones about yourself and the steps will follow. Invisible changes are happening all the time. With the help of seeing what our needs are, where we want to be what support we need to help us on our way the changes become evident when we are ready. Believe me “never imagine you can know someone else, or know other relationships. You can only really truthfully get to know yourself better …and start with what you need…. take all the time you need to work that out. It is already a positive step being on here reading and responding to others …that we are living and re-writing our chapters towards self love, confidence and courage. With love x PS …
I noticed the men so readily get help and love from so many ‘other’ women in their lives, but I notice and experienced that I had to beg, become victim, or fix it for myself. Professional support really helped me but I DID ALL THE WORK.
The fact is …. WE ARE ALL WORTH IT. I am trying to me mindful with every drop, every thought, every step because my life depends on me being in it.
A survivor in the ocean of seeing and hearing other survivors swimming and sailing for their lives every second of the day.

[SamSun]

I am up early hours of the morning again stressing and feeling anxious about the overwhelming responsibilities of my work and managing home life….aftermath of kicking a narcisst boyfriend out changes, (removed by moderator) daughter demands and loss of confidence and direction. I got support from the (removed by moderator) and CBT targets mindfulness, writing it all down, finding alternative solutions, setting small realistic goals and taking small next steps. Reading your responses fills me with hope and courage. I am seen as a confident creative, assertive woman leading and supporting (and I am doing this) but all my life I have felt weak and not strong “fake” inside. This “developed role” is so that I do not get musched up by bullies and competitive tyrants. I have had lots of bashings and losses. I carry the scars of earlier family dysfunction and father violent abuse mother in denial sabator. My family is broken and if I go there, still there is pain. My choices of men I thought were getting better. The last one was a master class narcisst. I returned to (removed by moderator) to get this man out and I am finding (removed by moderator) life is full of dominant dictating bullies (removed by moderator). Management is often the key area to teamwork, clear boundaries and shared responsibility. Within the (removed by moderator) I notice battles of ego, confidence and competitiveness.”The artists way” and “The Vein of Gold” by Julia Cameron were 2 books that helped shift a few gears in my creative life. Psycho therapy and psychodrama has helped validate and support me in finding my own voice and speaking my truths. This has en powered me to stand up, take steps, shift the gear, cut the loss, chuck the crap out. There is pain, I cry a lot but I will not lie down. I keep walking, I need to rest now I see. I am practising and developing my meditation techniques to rest and let go. I am noticing meditation is really positive on so many levels. I would like to get back to yoga. I have started back on my healthy plan again but I tend to do everything by myself, lone sports like swimming, walking, painting but I did enjoy dancing classes before he came along. There is a light, an inner strength and speaking the truth is powerful. My history is the start of many books we women can write to support the changes. To create a space, a room of your own to be able to breathe, hold vision, create, work it out. We are here today. I am the lucky one. I am awake. No one is perfect. I only needed to hear from one soul at work that “this **** is really going on” and I have my rod to climb, to walk the walk until I am ready to make the next shift. I know so many people but friends they are not, even at church. I am a lone wolf wishing to find friendship and trust. To nurture and love myself more with compassion. To take things easy for a bit. I love the moon, finding it sat there suddenly in the vast blue dusk. Good night, I wish you all courage for a new day. Thank you for your sharing. It is helping me get through this rough bit till I start working on my next chapter. Hugs X

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