Soonbefree

[Soonbefree]

My ex has got me right where he wants me. I let my guard down and he’s back causing havoc. I let our child see him for the day. Initially a third party was present but they left after a few hours. When I collected our child, they demanded to go back to their dad’s house the following day. Our child has been again and when I arrived to collect them at the agreed time, they weren’t ready (they were in the middle of watching a film) and begged to stay for longer. This is becoming a pattern: my ex makes a plan with our child, then gets our child to demand it from me straightaway, in front of him. My ex is playing the victim and our child says they hate me for ruining their lives. I have agreed for our child to visit again, this time to stay for several nights.

I have received a formal email from my ex, listing the ways I am harming our child and demanding they go to live with him. My ex is in the family home, so he phrases it as our child going back home.

I feel broken. I knew he would fight dirty, but I didn’t anticipate how tricky it would be to manage the expectations of our child. I don’t want to keep them from seeing their dad, but I think they are being used as a pawn.

The police were supposed to have passed my details on to a domestic abuse service, but I have heard nothing. They are so busy, particularly at this time of year.

My solicitor is on annual leave but I’ll try to contact her anyway.

I feel like handing our child over to him. Perhaps they would be happier in their usual home, with “doting dad” fussing over them…… until the facade slips. That’s why I won’t do it.

I feel broken!!!

[Soonbefree]

This thread is exactly what I needed to read, thank you x

[Soonbefree]

Thank you for your wonderful advice, Wants to Help. I have arranged for my child to see their dad at a later date, with a third party present. It will be at his house but I think it will be ok. The love of the third party means so much to him and that person is on board with me. I don’t think he would risk losing that person. I can’t explain the relationship because it would blow anonymity. I also have my solicitor’s mobile number for emergencies, and a crime number from the police.

I have become more boundaried with my email communications. I have found the Yellow Rock phrases helpful.

I still feel scared and guilty, but I’m not trembling anymore and I’m able to eat again. Hopefully I’ll even be able to sleep!

Tomorrow will hopefully be ok. We will be going to some relatives for the day.

Thank you for your help x

[Soonbefree]

Thank you for your support. We had a visit from a lovely female police officer today. It helped both me and my child.

I’m struggling with no-contact. I have blocked my husband’s number but we still need to email about practical issues. The police officer advised going through a third party, but I have no third party. People are either too scared of him or don’t want to be caught in the middle.

I have got myself in a situation already!! Our child wants to visit their dad (detail removed by Moderator) but only if I go in to the house with them because they are nervous. I agreed because I want to help mend their broken heart. I realise now that would be a disaster so I need to go back on that decision.

How do I help my child to see their dad in a safe way? How do I avoid getting sucked back in to the control? How do I arrange a visit without my husband refusing to release our child back to me?

It’s confusing!

[Soonbefree]

I’ve done it. I have moved to a new house with my child.

I’m scared and questioning myself. Our child is devastated at leaving their family home and no longer having the typical family unit. I feel like the biggest ratbag for what I have inflicted on them.

The response from my ex has been anger and attempts to control. I haven’t been taking his calls, but almost called him back to explain myself. He reported me to the police which has actually worked in my favour because I now have their support.

I am so relieved to be away from him but I feel really conflicted because of our child. If it were just me it would be so much more straightforward!!

This is even tougher than I thought it would be.

[Soonbefree]

Sorry, I’m doing a brain dump…..

I’m a bag of nerves! I’m so close but everything could still derail. I can’t wait to get away from him, but at least I know what he’s up to while I’m living with him. I don’t know what he will unleash once I’m gone. Perhaps nothing, in which case why am I leaving in such a dramatic fashion?

My close friends are on board but I’m dreading the reaction of our families. What sort of person leaves with their child at this time of year? I know what I would have thought before I had insight into emotional/psychological abuse.

Our child knows nothing about the move. They will be out when it happens. I’m worried they will feel betrayed because I’ve done all this behind their back. I’m scared they will never trust me again. Even worse, I’m scared they will want to go back home and I’ll have to force them to stay with me.

I know these thoughts and emotions are bound to happen, but it’s still very uncomfortable! Thank you for letting me blurt it all out x

[Soonbefree]

Ooh this is tricky! Our child has loved putting up the Christmas decorations which they won’t even get chance to see for long. The potential disappointment makes me feel guilty. However, my husband’s behaviour towards me is increasingly vile and this can’t go on.

KIP, I have been recording voice notes to listen back to. I even secretly recorded some of our conversations so I can recognise how he tries to gaslight me. I have also let my GP know but I don’t think she believes me. She knows him quite well and he plays the role of the long-suffering husband putting up with an unhinged woman.

Anyhow, I’m getting closer and although I’m scared, I’m also excited! I’m looking forward to living by my own rules rather than his disapproving Victorian standards.

I admire those who have gone before me!

X

[Soonbefree]

The amount of fear I felt before he came home this evening tells me I’m doing the right thing. I’m scared to be in the same room as him. He speaks to me like I am scum. He really is awful! I’m glad to be going.

[Soonbefree]

Ooh that’s massively helpful, thank you both. I’ll keep re-reading your posts to keep me on track. The bit about prison is so on-point for my husband. I’m sure he will be flailing around, trying to catch me out legally. I guess that tells me quite a lot really!

Thank you, thank you, thank you xxx

[Soonbefree]

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate your kindness and wisdom xx

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