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He’s not sent one like this for a while, it just seems loaded with a implication of suicide & it’s scared me (again) 😥 as you know he’s made all sorts of claims & similar statements in the past. I can’t think clearly about it. Is it more manipulative behaviour trying to get a reaction from me as he knows what buttons to push? I’ve slept so badly as I’ve felt jumpy. Half expecting the police to knock on my door.

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I’m so sorry to hear such sad news. I know there’s nothing anyone can say to make things better, I just hope you have some support round you & please be gentle with yourself. Sending you a big hug, thinking of you ❤️

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I wish I could just switch off & not care about him anymore 😞😞

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Thankyou here for help what you say is spot on, it is hard because we were together for a very long time and he does have genuine mental health problems, which I did support him with. Hence questions such as is it his MH? or could he have personality disorder? or be on the spectrum?. Over the years I’ve found myself researching and googling his behaviour looking for answers. Is he mad, bad or both? But I know thats no excuse for emotional manipulation, intimidation, symbolic threats of violence or an affair.

When he turns up at my house he looks lost & vulnerable & yes this entire situation where we are today is the consequence of his own actions. He tells me he knows he’s being selfish but he can’t help himself. Life is pointless & the future is hopeless. I feel scared when he says this about what he might do. I have previously contacted his GP several times over the last few years with similar situations. I just feel so sad for him, me & where it’s left us. It’s true he doesn’t have any family apart from elderly parents & no friends. I feel like I question my own sanity at times as I still don’t feel ready to action a divorce. It all feels too big & overwhelming 😥😥 thank you for responding. It’s a lonely place to be in as friends and family have lost patience with it all now, which I do get 😞

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Thank you ladies – I can’t believe how he asks me these things 😥 I feel all wound up now about finding out if he is under the crisis team or in contact with them. He was waving a packet of medication at me saying it was diazepam. He was saying that we’d been together for nearly 2 decades & he needed me to help him as he has no-one else & no friends. It’s so hard to not respond to stuff like that. I did ring his GP to let them know what he said about having no support & feeling suicidal everyday. I just felt like I had to pass that on as it felt too much on my shoulders. I feel stuck in this situation with him x

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Yes, all the time 😞

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I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, especially as it’s a job that means so much to you. It is unfair & life can feel shit at times and although you might have the strength to rise up and face the challenge again. It is exhausting to keep doing it, especially with everything else going on. It’s not surprising you feel so fed up, and it’s ok to feel how you feel, sending you a big hug 🤗

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Stronglife thank you for your reply, I am gathering evidence. It’s left me feeling anxious in my home, unfortunately it’s a home I’m buying so I can’t just leave.

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To me it sounds like a trauma response. Triggers can be known & unknown, which can make it unpredictable. Have you had any therapy or been assessed for symptoms of PTSD? If not it might be useful exploring this with a therapist. The NHS offer free talking therapy that includes work on trauma through their IAPT programme (improving access to psychological therapies)

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Marmalade thank you for your response, I know what you mean about the addiction & trauma bonds. It really does mess with your head. I know I’m grieving my marriage & what I hoped it would be, I’m also grieving what we had at times & the loss of our future. It wasn’t all bad & that’s what makes it hurt & caused me conflicted feelings. When I miss him & our life/relationship it causes me to doubt some of the crazy stuff that happened & his abusive behaviour. I sometimes feel like I’ll never get I’ve this betrayal as I’ve been so badly hurt by the person I trusted most in the world. Even now it can feel surreal like I’m in a nightmare & this isn’t my life 😢

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Hi eggshells thankyou, I think sometimes I’m making progress and then I’m flooded with difficult emotions & fear of life & the future without him (even after al the things he’s done & said). As you say it takes time & it’s grieving, it’s just so bloody painful.

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Hope for better thank you, it really messes with your head doesn’t it. I know it’s part of grieving but it’s painful & causes me to question my feelings. It’s strange to feel a sense of freedom & sadness at the same time.

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Soconfused you haven’t got it wrong, I think this is something a lot of us struggle with and we compare our own experiences with those of others (which we shouldn’t do) abuse can take many forms & be subtle. My own experiences have included emotional manipulation, mind games, guilt tripping, passive aggressive behaviour, symbolic violence, which has been subtle on many occasions. I have often thought my experiences don’t seem as valid or serious as others but I know that’s not true & emotional & psychological abuse or manipulation is very damaging.

I think over time we can also get used to it and become desensitised to our experiences. My estranged husband didn’t really shout or raise his voice either but I often felt anxious & on eggshells round him but couldn’t necessarily pinpoint why. All of our experiences are valid. I’m still struggling to get my head round it now & find it difficult especially as my ex could also be generous, kind, loving & funny.

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Hi Marmalade. I have blocked him & he knows I don’t want him to contact me or come to my house. We were together for a long time. I won’t respond to it & I didn’t last week when he tried to get me to respond through my sister. I just feel very sad and upset about the whole situation & how my marriage has turned out. It’s hard for me not to feel sorry for him at times (even though he doesn’t deserve it) it feels like he’s the victim now. (detail removed by Moderator). I think I felt confused as I wasn’t sure if it was genuine thoughtfulness & care for me or a tactic & opportunity to try and get contact. Either way he knows that I don’t want contact with him, so why do I feel sad and upset? I wish I could feel angry 😞

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Just to add my friends think he could do anything he wanted and i would always question whether it’s genuine or not. They think It’s constant manipulation & has been for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years. Everyone tells me this & says I’m the only one that can’t see it 😢 x

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You sound really positive & energised which is amazing, as you say we shouldn’t minimise things. You should speak the truth & get the support. You need ❤️

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Camel, that’s spot on, if you or someone else wrote this post I’d think the same. I think it’s hard to get your head around it all & I try and make sense of or understand it (although that will never happen) like I said I wish I could switch off my emotions and memories as they cloud my thinking. I really appreciate your honesty though, thank you 😊

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Camel, thankyou, you are saying all the things I’d say to someone else and they are true. It’s so much easier from the outside looking in isn’t it, we can see things much more clearly without the effect of emotions, history & memories 😞

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Eggshells- it is devious but he’d say it was desperation because he’s got no other way of contacting me. When he says things like that I feel guilty & sad & sorry for him, even though he doesn’t deserve it. It’s like he’s the victim & im the bad guy 😞

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Camel. Yes that’s all true & I don’t respond to it & my sister hasn’t either. It’s really sad that it’s happening & that it’s come to this. I think I worry that on one of these occasions he’ll be telling the truth 😥 I wish I could switch off from him.

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Stronglife, yes my family know, they are supportive of me but struggle as to why I get upset still. I think most of my friends & family just think he’s a waste of space. It’s hard as they are not emotionally involved or have had the relationship with him. It’s not easy at all.

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Twisted sister, thank you I know what you say is true & he is responsible for himself & seeking help. I think I still try to make sense & understand his behaviour as the whole situation is so senseless and sad. The going no contact was so hard for me to do & I only did it because he kept pushing/breaking boundaries. I just find it all so painful to accept. I know lots of us probably all feel the same regarding our marriages/relationships. I just wish I could switch off my emotions, feelings & memories 😥

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Mellow, that sounds like such a difficult & painful situation for you to be in. I’m so sorry you are feeling like that, it’s horrible how badly we can get treated that are meant to love and care for us 😥

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Soconfused2 I’m so pleased other people can relate. It’s so crazy after all the things he’s done & said that I feel like I miss him. I miss the idealised idea of my marriage but also some aspects that were real and we shared, I wish I could switch off my memories of the good times & our plans for the future.

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Icandothis it’s horrible isn’t it? The emotional manipulation & use of guilt to try and get you to save or fix them, I’m just left feeling really sad today. He just never gives up. My friends and family get angry & cross with him & me but I just feel sad and stuck 😞

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Rabbits thankyou, this is what I’m trying to do x

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Icandothis, I can relate as my ex tells me he turns up out of desperation to see me & he loves me/won’t give up on our marriage & has changed. He also says how bad his long-standing mental health is & he’s physically unwell. I end up feeling sad, guilty & responsible (even though rationally I know I’m not).

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Stronglife I am trying to do that & he knows that, I guess he uses different tactics to try & get me to respond. He has said and done do much it’s impossible to know if anything is true, that’s why it feels so very sad to be in this situation with person I married 😥

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Hi eggshells, we’ve been stuck in this merry go round for (detail removed by Moderator) years now. I have told him I want to contact & he does things like this or claims a family drama/illness. I wasn’t in when he came round but when I got on the card was through my door. It just leaves me feeling confused & sad because part of me wonder if he’s being genuine x

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Marmalade, thankyou it is really hard & confusing.

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