Squiddles

[Squiddles]

I’m sorry about what you are going through.

Yes, I often got left with the emotions and visual memory,but the blow by blow verbal content was often lost. I think I was shocked and just so stressed.

I can remember lying on the floor as a complete snivelling wreck. No idea what he’d said in detail. Just know he’d been apparently worried about finances and then he’d decided to buy something non-essential for tens of thousands. I had said it wasn’t a good idea. He went boom. No detail.

[Squiddles]

Thank you for your replies and I am sorry that your abusers have put you through what they have.

I think the word chameleon says it so well. I honestly don’t know how abusers do it or find the energy to keep playing games. I regularly think I must have imagined it all (then think no, xyz definitely happened). The kids are in awe of him (which is fine as he’s their Dad).

I am going to keep working on the spreadsheet and see what I can do. I am trying to find tangible evidence. I had an idea (that others might find useful). A few years ago, I was sent an item with an anonymous note. I contacted the floral delivery company for a Subject Material Access Request. I need police involvement to get the name (I 100% know it was him but lost that evidence), I got the company to show that the delivery occurred on the date and that they got my personal data from an ‘unnamed’ third party.
xxx

[Squiddles]

My abuser voluntarily did a course for perpetrators. The transformation was remarkable. Outstanding in fact!* He admitted everything to me and seemed so very sorry.
*Humour
Until he showed some low level hints of his old self. I thought OMG this is not real. I then spent months trying to get him to understand I did not need to give him (yet) another chance.
When he realised that I was not going to be swayed, he downgraded everything from domestic abuse to a rough patch. After that it got nastier as he took what he had learned and turned the tables on me. Suddenly my everyday behaviour was being called out as abusive, or even denying his accusations was part of my abuse problem. He’s actually more of a problem now than he was because of the course. He now knows what would be of concern to the police and keeps antics right under that bar.

I’m sorry what has happened to you. In my personal experience, no he didn’t change. I’d always look at change in the long-term and listen to any inner voice that tells you something doesn’t feel right.

[Squiddles]

Thank you so much for your replies and sorry for the slow reply. I am also sorry that you have these horrible people in your lives (and glad that you got as away from them as you can).

I did try the police once but his latest antics at the time looked like a civil matter to them (even though elements of it were telling me what to do). Looking at one bit of older evidence, the policeman said my ex sounded like he was being a bloke!

I have decided to create a nerdy spreadsheet with incidents over the years to see what it will look like and if it could be useful if he starts again (though I suspect it will look too low level to a police person, it might be helpful if I need it legally). It’s going to keep me busy for a while 😆

[Squiddles]

Thank you for your kind replies. I am really sorry about what you have been through and sending big hugs 🤗

I do have some people I can talk to, but I’m also aware it can be a boring topic. TBH I’m bored of it too – I don’t want to think about him. If we didn’t have kids, I would have vanished.

I guess it just feels so endless. I have no choice but to function even if I am a ball of anxiety inside. This week is a good one because I am trying to do something about it.

Sometimes making coercive control an offence feels like a bit of a false fairy tale. Apparently it’s a crime and understood now. Finding legal help that “gets it” seems hopeless. Police aren’t going to be interested – no bruises, it’s a legal matter not a police one, etc. This makes me cross, not just for me but others that just can’t get solutions once they leave.

That said, I would leave a thousand times over. If anyone reading this is about to make the leap; my moaning about him now pales when I imagine still being stuck under the same roof. He’s an absolute [choose your own word] but I don’t have to navigate a day under the same roof as him. xxx

[Squiddles]

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I don’t know if it’s of help but towards the end of my situation I managed to distance myself emotionally from my ex’s gas-lighting, etc., by naming the tactics in my head. It took me out of the immediate situation as he ranted away. I could think to myself; “that’s a projection”, “gas-light”, “table-turner”, “hoover-manoeuvre” and so on. It helped keep me calm whilst he took me apart, and I could stop myself being drawn in to what he was saying because I knew it was nonsense to get a rise out of me. Certainly doesn’t fix it (and still messed with my head) but it got me through whilst I was trapped with him. Good luck x

[Author]

Posts