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I would like to start by saying that I am far from perfect. I have a multitude of mistakes that I wish I could put right. I’ve done things that I am ashamed of and would never do again. I’d like to think I learn and am not a terrible person although that can be disputed).

I think I’ve been gaslighted for the last (detail removed by Moderator) or so by a parent, and scapegoated for at least (detail removed by Moderator) to the point that I am the black sheep, the only one with problems.

From an early age, I learned that it is best to keep quiet, do as I’m told and study my socks off. If any of my siblings or I disagreed too tough, we’d be in for a punishment. We had strict rules, culturally and religiously, but there were things that just seemed disproportionate.

One of my parents used to threaten my brothers at knife point when the verbal abuse stopped working as a method of control. They would get thrown out for getting bad grades. Friends weren’t allowed and definitely not girl/boy friends, certain people were “evil” (even children), there was no life outside of family or religion. I was privileged because I “didn’t get beaten enough”, as my siblings say.

Even now as an adult, I am not beyond punishment. I’ve had been threatened to have my teeth smashed out, screamed at for hours, labelled “abusive” and a “head case”, I’ve been physically thrown around, I’ve been threatened with being sectioned, ostracized, frozen out and punished with silent treatment. I’ve been called all manner of vicious and nasty names and discriminated against with double standards, then asked “Why aren’t you talking to me? Are you still upset? Why do you hold grudges? It’s not good for you, it’ll make you ugly.” literally within 20 minutes of being reduced to a quivering wreck. Some days I’m too fuzzy to even remember how it started. Every interaction or act of kindness is double-loaded. At some point it will be used to say “See, if I wasn’t a good parent would I have done this or that?” From the outsiders point of view, I couldn’t have more supportive family.

I asked other family for help but I’m told I’m a liar and over-sensitive, how could they be wrong? Why am I getting worked up over something so small? I was mistaken in the first place. How could a parent do or say such things? Why am I over reacting? “You’ve got to try harder, you have fix what you’re doing.” They are all rationalized and justified and explained away in a way that they weren’t actually said to me. My secrets, fears are shames are used against me to threaten and force me into complying with their wants.

I experienced a different type of abuse in a relationship and turned to my family for support. But I got a lot of blame and shame and again, I was the liar. Things that had nothing to do with me suddenly became my fault because I acted out. I got so depressed. I was a bad person, I was a fantasist, I make problems wherever I go. I started cutting off from friends to save them the problem of myself. My depression and anxiety are sky high. I can never be sure of what my intentions are and I constantly look to myself whenever anything goes wrong.

I am now terrified of life and my place in it. Now with no friends, no family, no money, no self confidence and rock bottom self esteem, I’m starting a new life – going no contact with family. I feel woefully under prepared for whats ahead of me and have a lot to learn and it scares me.

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Thank you all for your welcomes ladies.

Moogie and Healthy Archive, it’s good to hear that this forum has helped you both.I will take some more time to read through the various posts and learn a bit more.

Thank you again, ladies x

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Hi Ayanna,

Thank you for your reply.

I’m glad you’ve found life away from the family is best for you, and the support groups too. Thank you, I will look into support groups – I do feel rather exposed and vulnerable right now. I have tried to explain how I’m feeling right now to my GP and being referred.

Thank you x

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