Sunnymayday

[Sunnymayday]

Hello. I’m a few months further down the line than you, but I can now see that, yes, this type of behaviour is abuse.

I have been seeing a counsellor and she recommended a book called “the Verbally Abusive Relationship “. It described my life completely, and I think it will describe yours. It explains that he is seeking power and control. The arguments, criticisms, silent treatment are all types of abuse.

And I absolutely know what you mean about the look they get in their eyes. It’s like anger, challenge, cold and dangerous. It happened to me this weekend and, even though I recognise it, it still throws me. Mine is also very clever with eords, and I simply cannot think on my feet quick enough.

Keep talking. Talk to friends. A counsellor if you can.

[Sunnymayday]

Absolutely knew I was unsettled. Huge verbal attack, following the script completely. Telling me that he’s going to make my life hell, it’s all my fault, he loves me more than anyone else could do, he can’t help loving other women, no one other than me knows what he is like.

I was shaking. Threats. Control. Laughing at me. Everything.

I’m calm now. It just makes me more determined to do this.

[Sunnymayday]

Morning all. I’m so sad today. But I’ve got to put happy face on and deal with work and children.

I feel like identify is being ripped from me, even though it’s me doing it. There are times when he’s so calm and reasonable, that I wonder why I even think that there is a problem. But then I equally can’t understand how he can be so calm when we’re living in this strange situation. I’ve told him I don’t love him, and he just carries on as normal…

And then, other times, he’s like a blanket. Following me from room to room. Staring at me.goung crazy if I go out if the house without telling him where I am going. When he’s like that, I think he is dangerous. Unstable.

I am brave enough to keep the boundaries,and then he calms again, and I wonder if I imagined it.and it makes me sad to think that I might be destroying something good.

I don’t know if that makes sense? If I even try explain to a friend, they don’t understand. They are all, and I mean all, telling me that he is too much. That he’s destroyed my spirit. They say that he’s complicated/challenging/a sick man. They can’t see why I would even contemplate staying.

I’m not going to stay,although I don’t know when I’m going to go, but I’m just so very sad.

[Sunnymayday]

@roadtohealing I really feel that I want to hug you and try and make things better for you.

I am lucky, because I have always worked and that gave me a certain amount of independence. I’m in a very different situation, because he was always ao scared that he’d lose his job, that he insisted that I keep working, even though he belittled what I did. All of my money went straight on the house and children, but itvhave me space and friends outside the house. The only downside was that I have spent the last two decades totally exhausted.

I had a bad night last night, but dragged myself into work and felt better for it.

I agree that volunteering would be such a good thing for you. It will at least get you back out talking to people.

I am absolutely determined that I will not be here once the children have left home. I am just questioning whether I can hang on until then, but the thought of being here without the children fills me with dread.

Take care and keep talking. I think we will be able to pull each other through this together.

[Sunnymayday]

Thank you all so much.

I have also really struggled to accept that what I am experiencing is abuse, but my everything that I have read, and everything that my counsellor says clearly applies to my situation. I have described it it two counsellors, and two doctors. They have all been very clear and vocal that it is abuse.

Honestly, the thing that has helped me most is realising that the strong version of me still exists. And is stronger than the damaged part of me.

It’s been hard though. I have spent hours on the phone to the Samaritans, because I just couldn’t see a way out. They were so helpful. Ironically, I was thinking about volunteering with them a few years ago. Never thought that I would need them.

I have also used the chat on this website. Particularly when I wanted to check whether the sex stuff was abuse.

I am still in the house, but separate rooms. And he doesn’t seem to care. It’s very strange but very clear that he is all about control and not that he never actually loved me.

I will leave, but not yet.

[Sunnymayday]

I wanted to update this thread, because I am in a much better place now.

It’s been awful. A member of his family git involved, blaming me. I was so upset I was physically sick. That evening he said something that made me realise that what I’d thought was an accident was deliberate. Talking it through with mu therapist, I realised that I’d actually been subject to decades of coercive sexual abuse, and also physical abuse. I just hadn’t realised.

I told him it was over. Set boundaries. He’s respecting them so far.

Since then, I’ve suffered from endless nightmares, panic attacks and flashbacks. Frozen with fear. Throwing up. But I’ve worked slowly through it. It’s getting easier.every flashbackkills me, but then it seems to leave my body and it’s gone. I think they’ve helped me realise the truth of what’s happened.

The breakthrough was my counsellor explaining that the version of me that is broken and damaged and conditioned can diminish as I see the abuse for what it is.

The other part of me is strong. It can survive and it’s the real me. It will grow.

I’m going to survive this. I’m going to plan my future.

[Sunnymayday]

Sorry, me again.

He spoke to a friend. He’s now telling me that he understands that a marriage breakdown is not about fault, and that he is therefore not at fault. But he understands that he is complicated and that I am not strong enough to cope at the moment. So he is going to get counselling.

And then he asked if I have a plan to move in with another man!

And now he’s following me around the house. Phoning and texting me when I was at the shop. Praising my housework. Telling the children to help me because I am ill. Insisting on family time.

This is what always throws me, every time. It is manipulation, isn’t it? It’s like he’s forgotten everything I said to him. And everything he did.

He’s so confident and cocky. I can see it in his eyes. But two days ago, he was crying because I told him this was going to end in divorce. Now he’s patting me on the head and telling me that everything is going to be fine. How can he just switch like this?

[Sunnymayday]

Thank you, everyone. I can feel myself relax as I read your replies. I am not great at putting myself first, but I know that I have no choice. I’m also not great at confiding in people. He has alienated so many of my friends with his behaviour, but when I started to open up to them, they have appeared like angels and I now have a small network of friends I can rely on.

Every single friend has independently said exactly the same thing. He is hard. He is extreme. They wondered how I was surviving and thought I would crack many years before. They think I’ve been depressed for years. And he has got worse in recent years.

Every single person has said this, and they don’t know 95% of what’s been happening. I’ve bottled it a up for so long, the pain is now hitting me hard. Stuff from 15 years ago, is just rising to the surface and is like stabbing pain.

But I still wonder whether I am over exaggerating. Then I mention something to a friend, sometimes it just slips out because I remember it, and the look of total shock on their faces.

I feel totally stupid for putting up with it. I’m a professional woman. I deal with people in crisis daily. I understand empathy and abuse. But I just did not see this.

I just thought he was fun, and confident, and that I wasn’t good enough or fun enough for him. The joke is that, without me, he wouldn’t have this life. I do literally everything, and then get constant criticism about it.

But he’s clever. He rarely shouts. He doesn’t name cl. It’s all very clever, passive aggressive, a lot of it is dressed up as humour and then I am told I’m too sensitive and can’t take a joke. But it’s constant noise and attention seeking. The children have had enough, I think. We’ve all had enough.

[Sunnymayday]

I’m calmer now. I took a fairly huge step today, which has made it clear that I’m not prepared to put up with the stuff with the friend in my face a the time.

She is, I think, also at fault. Stuff has happened which I have just tolerated, even though it was killing me. It wasn’t jealously, it was the utter lack of respect for me, and also then the constant comparing me to her afterwards. Even as recently as last week he was comparing me, saying that any reasonable person would objectively agree that she was better…

I feel quite empowered after the decision I made today to remove that relationship from my vision. I know that I will pay for it later – not physically, but he was certainly challenging me when he asked why I did what I did. But at least, for now, I feel like I have a tiny bit of control back.

The more things I remember, the more hurt and iet I feel. Anger is starting now as well. And anger at myself for putting up with this for so many decades.

I’ve also told my doctor because I wanted it on my records, and she has been fabulous.

[Sunnymayday]

I’m calmer now. I took a fairly huge step today, which has made it clear that I’m not prepared to put up with the stuff with the friend in my face a the time.

She is, I think, also at fault. Stuff has happened which I have just tolerated, even though it was killing me. It wasn’t jealously, it was the utter lack of respect for me, and also then the constant comparing me to her afterwards. Even as recently as last week he was comparing me, saying that any reasonable person would objectively agree that she was better…

I feel quite empowered after the decision I made today to remove that relationship from my vision. I know that I will pay for it later – not physically, but he was certainly challenging me when he asked why I did what I did. But at least, for now, I feel like I have a tiny bit of control back.

The more things I remember, the more hurt and islet I feel. Anger is starting now as well. And anger at myself for putting up with this for so many decades.

I’ve also told my doctor because I wanted it on my records, and she has been fabulous.

[Sunnymayday]

Hello again, and thank you.

Looking back, I think I blamed myself entirely until around (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. Then something happened that led to the first real crack. I’m now certain that I’ve been depressed since then.

Then we’ve had two years of lockdowns, his physical and mental illness. Him falling out with more of my friends. And, most painful of all, him openly falling in love with my friend. And, throughout this, I was still expected to just carry on and take the criticism.

It took me a further four months of being told that this was abuse for me to actually see it. But now, I can’t unsee it. It is there constantly, even when he is being nice I know that it is because he has an ulterior motive ie to suck me back in.

If I didn’t have the children at home, I would have left around (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. But I feel totally trapped. Trapped and utterly exhausted. Not sleeping. On edge constantly. Lost weight. Crying.

And he says that I am killing him. He thinks it is menopause and I just need tablets.

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