TakingBack

[TakingBack]

Thank you Lisa
I will follow your advice as I am really beginning to question myself
although i know there is absolutely no justification for some behaviours

Grateful for a support system !

[TakingBack]

spending a little time on here today just reading others stories and feeling less alone

thank you all!

Lisa in particular what you say re acting out of frustration and exhaustion being very different from ‘calculated’ abuse
and choosing to act a certain way
Thank you … that makes so much sense
and is a relief when being accused of being abusive x

[TakingBack]

we all know wat a healthy relationship is, right?
we should want to spend time with our partners and want them to spend time with us but to love a person is to want them to have friends and a good time without us as well so we can come home and share more still with our partners (surely) ?
missing someone isn’t a ‘bad’ thing
but making someone feel guilty for talking to or spending time with others is messed up!

I’m even made to feel guilty for needing a little time alone
Is it really fear in a partner or simply a need to ‘control’ ?
Does that need come from fear and is there anyway time can change it
or is it simply ‘a controller’ who’ll always be the same ?

Do others find themselves searching for excuse after excuse because they still want to believe this is love ?
#confused.com 🙂

Thank you all for sharing stories and support x

[TakingBack]

thank you so much !
i have looked up the power and control wheel and the cycle of abuse
i guess it’s hard for any of us to comprehend that this is where falling in love has taken us … so much we just don’t want to believe!
i have watched myself become a person i don’t recognise at times anymore, how this stuff chips away 🙁 and in the earlier part of my relationship i really believed behaviour towards me was the result of my partner having been in an abusive relationship themselves
I still find myself grasping and wondering if this is (detail removed by moderator) or mirrored (detail removed by moderator) ? My partner was in a 20yrs + relationship with a man she called a sociopath (my partner and i are both women)
I have moved out of the family home as my partner has children and the cycle of abuse they’re witnessing is just soo wrong
But my partner tells me that if we go to counselling then I’ll be told how messed up i am (which i kinda am .. now)
So much hurt from the past which i can’t let go of but the past is still present because the cycle continues
Now, because I’ve moved out (again) i was thrown out (again) but when i said I wasn’t going back I was told that she and her daughter aren’t safe around me!!
I’m scared now not only of the violence but of my own reactions … yelling (which I’ve never done b4 but over the last year it seems the crying and frustration for which i was mocked has turned into shouting back) I’m scared that the way she tells the story i am the abuser and yet it’s she that says if i don’t move back (I’ve suggested time apart and counselling) that she’ll need to move on because she doesn’t want to be alone. My heart is breaking because i still love her but the trust in my safety is gone. Mentally, emotionally, physically She says now that I’m playing games with her but I’ve so tried to talk things thru, when i do I’m ‘casting back’ she’s angry if i don’t reply to messages but I’ve been blocked and ignored so many times Thrown out with nowhere to go (i moved to her town and have no friends here) Now I’ve found a place to live nearby (at first to try and work on things) she feels deserted. I’ve had what few things i own thrown out of windows, broken and binned. The first physically attack came (detail removed by moderator)yrs ago and it seems true wat they say, if you don’t leave then it will just carry on, become more frequent and worse. I kept so much secret from family for so long only opening up in the last few months; they’re a lifeline but she feels I’ve been disloyal.
I still want to help her (is that crazy?) but now she says it’s as much my fault as hers that I’ve triggered and caused it all

woh
I’m sorry this is so long
spilling guts helps x

also very afraid of threats of suicide .. been told it’ll be my fault and I’ll know that when she does it! :,(
she’s turned a knife on herself in front of me and self harmed

I just don’t kno wat to do ‘heartbroken’

I know I need to stay away and rebuild myself and I know if this were love she’d want that to (for me)? But I know she feels deserted and hurt and i know that turns to anger and aggression in love and afraid, how can these things be together ???

[TakingBack]

I don’t think that way either Freedomfries
Love isn’t too opposing sides
it’s meeting with one heart

I feel sad for those who don’t understand that but I’m learning that you can’t show someone else to themselves or make another person understand
and in the end nothing is worth losing yourself for
for the sake of everyone who loves you, you have to take care of your*self first

X

[TakingBack]

Ya know reading others experiences on here and talking to others helps with those light bulb moments! I think we hold all our own answers, we’ve just had our own better judgements messed with and screwed about with so much.
Trust your*self
and Yes self love 🙂

thank you!
Welcome back to our own lives,
our own paths x

[TakingBack]

We all know what we want from a relationship, love, kindness, compassion, patience, understanding.
So why don’t we just go for it.
We know what it looks like and what it does t look like.
Does your knew partner know about your previous relationship?
The right person is someone you have to be able to talk to, as difficult as that is sometimes.
I think you need to explain about this, just as you have here, to your knew partner.
You have acknowledged the possibility of some over sensitivity on your part as you would normally laugh along with whatever is said but if you bury these feelings they will build into something you’re less able to explain in the future. You’re partner may even have noticed something was wrong but didn’t understand, he has to have the chance to understand and you have to give that chance to see if this is the relationship, the person, you want to be with.

be *brave i think
remember that he is not your ex and give him the chance to show that
You have nothing to lose but time
if he’s not the right person don’t put that down to you being wrong!
You can do the right relationship for you because the right relationship will love and understand

x

[TakingBack]

First of all I’m no expert! And I’m trying to figure out so much myself!
I resonate with some of what you say here. I can never get my head round someone being so intentionally hurtful especially someone I love. Perhaps I just don’t want to believe that they never loved me.

What I think. It isn’t personal . They’re behaviour isn’t about you! You say yourself that you don’t even think at time that this person understands how bad they’ve made you feel … i get that . i really dint think my Lardner understands . From that position is it even intended hate towards you?

I think some people are lost. Most of us going through abusive relationships right now might even understand how that can begin. I think many of us feel lost to ourselves. I think abusers lose sight of reality the whole world can become the enemy and so life becomes a game with winners and losers and they simply don’t want to be the loser

I don’t know how much sense that makes
I know I’m just trying to understand it all myself

I know that before all the emotion and the confusion I’ve been sucked down and spun round in over the last few years
I saw beauty in the world and love and kindness and I refuse to not still believe in that . I don’t believe in hate and I think where it arises it’s about the condition of the person feeling it and it’s a projection. It’s very hard because we catch ourselves apologising or fighting to explain or justify or understand but since it’s not us we simply can’t .

I hope some of this makes sense
I hope some of this might help x

[TakingBack]

Isn’t it strange how sometimes we can advise others but struggle to take our own advice? I don’t know your situation, how long you were together or the level or type of abuse but you say that you’re wanting to trust that he’s ‘changed’.

Briefly I will say that I’m only a few days staying away from my partner right now and I’m afraid that I might go back because I always do. I am still in love and dint want to let go but …

If certain behaviours that were clearly not acceptable to you within your relationship were happening in his complete awareness and acceptance then is this the person you want to be with . ?
If his treatment of you stems from somewhere deeper and is an issue he needs to address then surely he needs to address it before you can be fully together (living together again)

I just see, from a reasonable mind that if you truly love and want to be with someone then 1. You wouldn’t be with anyone else and 2. You would do whatever the person you love needs you to

The abusive cycle within my own relationship needs to end . Some things cannot keep getting swept under the carpet or cracks painted over … we need to face things
We need counselling. And I need to be strong enough to insist on that or to move on, on my own .

If your partner wanting you back is for love and not for control, I would advice that you sit down and work out what you want and need from him . If he loves you then he should be walking in air that you still want him and prepared to do what you need him to do .

Set boundaries
and stick to them .
Be *strong

Love can be addictive and sometimes when someone is familiar that seems like the easiest option. Be sure that it’s love you still feel for him. If you want him to ‘change’ is he the right person? Are those changes just behavioural or are they just ‘him’? Is he right for you?
So many questions, I know
but I also believe that with the right person you should be able to discuss all of this together .

Good Luck x

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