Thisisthestart

[Thisisthestart]

Hi there!

I’m so pleased for you!! Well done on getting away.
I just wanted to say I understand where you’re coming from with the new relationship. I also met someone else quite soon after I left my abusive partner, it wasn’t something I planned but it just happened and we really hit it off! I know everyone says you shouldn’t rush into anything but sometimes it happens.. I felt like I’d wasted (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life with my ex and here was my chance at happiness so I took it! So far so good.
It is very hard to not overthink or be hyper vigilant but unless he actually shows some behaviours that you don’t like then I would just enjoy being happy with someone who treats you properly!! You know what to look for now and hopefully you’d feel more confident about dealing with any issues that do arise.
Good luck and wishing you all the happiness you deserve! Xxx

[Thisisthestart]

Hi there!!

Seeing what’s happening and making the decision to leave is a huge step so well done!!!

I’ve been through something very similar.
I left in (detail removed by Moderator) and never looked back and it was the best decision I ever made. I will not lie to you it wasn’t and still isn’t easy but it’s a whole lot better because I’m now in control of my own life down to every last detail and it is so liberating! You probably won’t even realise the extent of the abuse until after you leave, I didn’t anyway.

So my story, I was with him (detail removed by Moderator) years, not married with (detail removed by Moderator) children to him and one not his from a previous relationship. I left him in (detail removed by Moderator) and it was horrific to say the least. I didn’t have any help from womens aid or domestic abuse support because at the time I still didn’t realise what was happening to me was abuse.
Because I didn’t cut him off and thought I could handle whatever he did, he made my life hell and I ended up going back to him.
Fast forward to (detail removed by Moderator), I decided I wanted to leave and sought help from woman’s aid who passed me on to my local domestic abuse hub. Everyone I spoke to was absolutely lovely and couldn’t have been more supportive.
About a week later I got a phone call saying there was a place for us at a refuge in another city. I accepted the place and 2 days later we moved. I packed my car as full as possible, picked my oldest children up from school and went. I never told him or gave him an opportunity to manipulate my decision. After that I tried to be civil to him but the abuse carried on in many forms, mainly love bombing and then resorting to name calling etc when I didn’t respond how he wanted me to.
I ended up cutting his contact with the children because he was using seeing them to check up on me etc. and I realised that why on earth did I want a person like him raising my children!? If he wasn’t their dad I wouldn’t think twice about cutting him off in any other situation.
(detail removed by Moderator)

My advice would be, have someone you trust come and take some things from the house for you while he’s at work. Take anything that’s special to you, any important documents for you and the children like passports, birth certificates. Any paperwork you might need.

Don’t give him a change to put in the universal credit claim before you. Just go and do it or it could cause problems for you and the last thing you need in money worries.

Don’t give him a heads up that you’re leaving. This will only give him a chance to manipulate you into staying it make it difficult for you to leave it even put you in danger.

Good luck and stay strong!!! You’re doing the right thing for you and your children.

[Thisisthestart]

Thanks everyone. It’s so nice to come on here and read everyone’s supportive words and advice.

I’m doing ok but have felt a little flat the last couple of days.
I think it’s partly that I feel stuck. I’m in the refuge with the children while he is seemingly unaffected by it all. I was a stay at home mum and he has a good job so I feel like I won’t achieve anything and he’s got the world at his feet. Nothings changed in that sense. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic or anything but that’s just how I’m feeling right now.
On top of that he’s told me his wage has dropped which I don’t believe. He’s self employed so can basically pay himself whatever he wants, so this means the maintenance payment I was expecting has now halved!! Yet again using money as a tool.
I also didn’t get a house I applied for and now I feel like I will be waiting here when all I want to do is settle and move on!

I am also considering whether or not I want to go to the police about the abuse. I believe I have sufficient evidence from over the years to prove coercive control if nothing else. I just don’t know whether I want to do it for me or to prove he is what I say he is and why should he walk away unscathed after everything he’s done!? I need time to think about that definitely. I may post separately asking for advice on going down that road…

Sorry for rambling on! I must have needed to get all that off my chest.

[Thisisthestart]

Thank you everyone! I honestly don’t feel I would have done it if it wasn’t for you all.
I am under no illusion it will be plain sailing, he has gone back to being nice but sad and pathetic now to try and make me feel guilty but I’m staying strong! He wouldn’t give me the satisfaction of asking me to come back but he knows what he’s doing but luckily so do I!
It’s strange because I can’t actually imagine going back and being with him at all, the thought of even kissing him or cuddling him just feels alien. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Last time I left I was sad and missed him so much but this time I don’t at all.

I am struggling with knowing what to do about contact with the children though! This is the worst part for me. Everything I do is for them, I put up with him for years when I thought it was only me who was being affected by it. When it became clear to me that it was having an effect on them, that is what made me leave. So deciding what to do now is so hard!!!

[Thisisthestart]

Thanks for the insight and well done for going ahead with it! It’s the road I’m doing down, just waiting for space!
One thing I’m worrying about is school. I moved areas to get my oldest into a good secondary school and I’m so worried if we go to a refuge he’ll lose his place! How did it work for you if you don’t mind me asking?

[Thisisthestart]

Thank you everyone for reading and taking the time to reply.

I have been reading a lot on here and also started the Lundy book.

I have times of absolute certainty that this is not right or healthy. I’ve left before and that was horrendous. Stalking, threats, harassment, he (detail removed by moderator). He ended up being arrested which is to this day still my fault according to him.

I think what’s the most confusing right now is that he’s changed in some ways. For example, he used to check my phone everyday, he’d read literally every message check every app everything. He doesn’t do that anymore and instead of getting angry when I say anything about leaving him he will instead act like it’s fine. He’ll tell me he’ll pay for the children etc. this past weekend I’ve packed my bags and he’s just being really calm and and accepting and saying he’s sad but if I want to leave it’s up to me and he wont try and get me back this time. It’s so different to what I’m used to it’s making me question if he’s still as bad?

[Thisisthestart]

Your experience sounds scarily similar to mine! Baby loss included.
I hope everything goes to plan and you can get away as easily as possible and stay away!
Good luck x

[Thisisthestart]

@Eggshells
Hi, I think this is definitely the case with him. I don’t believe he thinks I’ll actually go through with leaving at all so when it happens he will be furious. He was awful last time I left, much much worse than any time we were together so I am doing my best to brace myself for it.
The façade has slipped a few times already and I haven’t even gone yet!
I hope things are better for you now?

[Thisisthestart]

@Medusa hi! Thank you for your kind words!
It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to accept and to be honest I don’t think I have fully accepted all of it yet but I’m not in a place I can deal with it properly yet.

I’m glad there have been some changes that I hope has made life a little better for you and your children. A big factor for me was noticing that my children were picking up on things and I do not ever want them to think this is normal or acceptable especially because they are all boys.

I hope you find yourself in a good place where you can decided what you want for yourself and be able to act on it.

[Thisisthestart]

@nbumblebee thank you!!

[Thisisthestart]

I think he has belittled my opinion and minimised his actions for so long I am doing it by default.
I think I am seeing him as two different people. All my feelings of guilt are aimed at the nice man and the rational part of me knows the bad side doesn’t make up for any of it so it’s like a constant internal battle for me!
Talking about it openly is definitely the best thing I have ever done because the more times I say it out loud and friends and family are validating it, the more I believe it myself and see it for what it is. And more things are coming to light that I never even saw before which spurs me on to leave and find a better life that I now know I deserve.

I keep thinking should I give him the benefit of the doubt when I leave and allow him access to the children and not hide my whereabouts but I know from past experience what he is capable of so I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to take drastic measures to protect myself and my children from his unpredictable behaviour and that is because of him! I am not overreacting!

I am so glad I have opened my eyes to all the things that have been happening some of which I didn’t even see. I never had this feeling last time I left that I don’t actually like who he is anymore and that is a huge step for me.

It’s so so hard to open up but it is the best thing I have ever done and I am so grateful I have a good support network. And reading on here and talking to you all who completely understand was the first step I took and I’m so glad I did. You are all amazing!!

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