titanium21

[titanium21]

Thank you both so much. I’m so grateful for this forum and space to just be me. Have carried this alone for way too long 🙁 so much good advice here about watching for the signs early on etc. I have trauma bonding issues from childhood so aware I have a lot of work to do before I can trust myself to really know what I want or whether I could spot the signs again. xxx

[titanium21]

I really, really feel for you. And the same with those thoughts of how could I let this happen????? One thing my counsellor said that did resonate with me, was that the shame is not mine to carry. We haven’t done anything wrong, you don’t ask to be treated this way, we’ve trusted someone and the way they abuse that trust is on them, not us. Even though I understand when they are long gone and it’s us picking up the pieces it’s hard not to feel stupid. But the road to healing is in building the self esteem, or rebuilding it. So the negative self talk is going to make it harder for you. Please don’t blame yourself. xxx

[titanium21]

Hi, I’m so sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through. I’m also in the same place, so please take comfort that you are not alone. My ex sounds very similar to yours, never worked or contributed whilst we were together, I took pity on him and cared for him and nurtured him, which is in my nature to do. Unfortunately he took advantage of that. And left me so high and dry it’s unbelievable. The mess I have to pick up that he has left behind, financially not to mention emotionally. I also have a young baby that we planned together, thinking we would be in it together and take on that lifetime responsibility as parents. Now I have nothing but the thoughts inside my head to remind me of what we had together, or what I thought we had. I’m grieving the loss of the life I thought I had. But I never really had it at all. It’s so hard. And so upsetting to think he can just carry on and not even give our son a second thought. I have no idea how I will recover from this either. But I think just feeling our feelings and sitting with it for now is apparently the road to healing.
That’s the advice I’m given. I am also having counselling and just taking as much support and strength from wherever I can get it. It’s been total strangers who have been kindest to me throughout all of this. I’m so grateful for finding this forum and the advice I’m given. Just please remember you are not alone. It’s so hard to not feel that way but it brings me comfort when we live in this world where it seems like everyone wants to show off how great their lives are. And I’m dying inside thinking what’s wrong with me then?? 🙁 sending you lots of hugs and be kind to yourself. I’m treating myself like I would one of my precious babies. xxx

[titanium21]

Thank you so much to all these wonderful replies, I’m feeling so much inner strength from reading these, big hug to everyone and good luck to you all too on your journeys. xxx

[titanium21]

Also he blamed me for not taking responsibility for his children from previous relationship, but I had paid maintenance on his behalf for years and then got fed up and decided why should I? He would want me to facilitate all his contact with them or he wouldn’t see them at all, so when I said no he blamed me for stopping him seeing them! I could hardly afford the food bill as it was without 2 extra mouths to feed, never did he offer to give me any money I spent on them.
And he decided to sell his car without speaking to me about it (think he needed to make cash fast) and once his was gone he assumed he would be using mine when he needed a car, saying we only have one car as a family, I thought no we don’t, I have a car and you sold yours. But he never saw it like that.

[titanium21]

Hi same-again, thank you so much for your replies, really resonated with me, plus feel so alone with my experiences of past so it’s comforting to know other people do know how it feels (although you would not wish it on your worst enemy ) 🙁
Unfortunately I do know what you mean about being more vulnerable to this type of relationship, have had past relationships with a lot worse than what I am going through now, but I think this one is hardest to deal with because I thought it was different. And had done a lot of work on myself previously to try to heal from past. I’m so open as a person and thought at the time of meeting him (this one) that the way to healthy relationship was to open up, so I shared everything. In answer to your question about does he make me feel special etc, at times yes, very much so, which is why it is so hard to accept and not even near to thinking about life after him (too broken) and we have a baby 🙁 but examples of behaviour are lying so much so that I can’t believe a word he says, him borrowing money from me like stupid amounts! And then just not even paying towards bills, but blaming me for making him feel like my house isn’t his house too, even though he never paid any money towards it, or even his share of costs. Seems bizarre to me! xxx

[titanium21]

Hi, thanks for replies, that book looks really good I’m definitely gonna give it a read. For me it’s the mental abuse I feel, makes nasty threats about taking my son away from me, but then leaves the relationship and makes no contact to ask about his well-being or try to see him, I’m left feeling very confused. He can be so loving and kind at times, but is very Jekyll and Hyde, has very nasty outbursts and seems so angry, although I don’t know what about?? It’s very difficult to know what side of him to believe is true. He seems to come from a stable family background and doesn’t drink or do drugs, has been married and had a family before me so I assumed a family man? But doesn’t go to work and contribute to the home in the way you would expect. And is very resistant to open up about any problems of his own, although seems to be very attentive to listen to my own personal struggles with background etc. Can’t work it out. X

[titanium21]

Hi freedom, thank you so much for your reply, it’s nice to know someone hears me. I feel so humiliated by my experiences, especially this one because I’m older now and feel like I thought I’d learned from my past. Feel silly for putting myself in the situations that I have. I loved him so much, still do, and I believed him when he said he loved me too and wanted the best for me. He can be very charming. He used to say to me things like, he didn’t love you, but I do, I’m reference to my ex. And I had all those promises of a happy ever after, he said we would get married and we were planning a second baby together. It was what I always wanted. I so wanted to be in a relationship with my baby’s father and to be a proper family. That’s why I did all the things to help him, even though it put me at risk financially. I cleared all his debts and helped him (detail removed by moderator), with him telling me it would be the start of our new life together. I find it hard to realise that someone would want to bring a child into the world if you weren’t in it for the long haul. He always said he was 100% committed to me. That’s what made me think he is serious, I can trust him. But he was always in the depths of depression, I felt sorry for him, wanted to help. I did everything and anything. But once I started to feel taken advantage of, I tried to say no, and I saw a different side to him. He would lose his temper so badly, smashing things in my house up, and I’ve worked really hard for what I’ve got in my life. He said I’ve never made him feel like my home is his home, but I bought my house and I’ve paid to keep it over mine and my kids heads, it’s our safety, our security. He had no respect for the house. And I could see that in his behaviour. I thought I’ve shared everything with you, but you just want to take from me. Recently he started working for the first time in our relationship, he had a regular income. But he never wanted to give back. Never appreciated all that I have gone without to help him. He persuaded me to take out loans and credit cards to pay for things on his behalf, always telling me he would help to pay it back, but there was always a reason why he couldn’t. I felt like he tried to open up to me in the beginning, about his problems, he had a gambling addiction in the past, and told me he had got help for it, but I never could understand where all the money went, he spent so much so quickly and there was never anything to show for it. But I thought if he’s shared with me in the beginning that shows he wants to get help. He made me feel like I was special and I was ‘the one’ for him. So I wanted to try harder. If I ever brought up things that concerned me or didn’t add up, he would say (detail removed by moderator), you have trust issues because of the life you’ve had. He would say (detail removed by moderator), I thought I’m not imagining this. I kept everything to myself, and lied to friends about the life we had. Because I took the shame on myself. A few times he has come close to getting physical with me, and I was devastated, thinking I can see how this is going. And he said I’m so upset with this, he said he’s never been like this in the past so it must be me who brings it out in him (detail removed by moderator). I’ve seen (detail removed by moderator) different counsellors since we’ve been together, but he still says it’s not working for me, he said I have to tell them EVERYTHING, I don’t even know what he means by that. I said to him (detail removed by moderator). But he always has an answer. And it’s never his fault. I said (detail removed by moderator) but I’m always the one doing the giving, and he gets out of helping me out based on his anxiety and mental health condition. It doesn’t feel fair. He’s threatened to take my son away from me more than once, and this time he’s left he has now served me with a notice for mediation, (detail removed by moderator) when it suits him, it’s not to help me out or give me a break or to build a relationship with our son, he’s only a baby, so I think he should see his dad (detail removed by moderator), but he talks to me like it doesn’t matter what I think or want for our son, even though I’m his mum and want to be treated with respect. So he’s poking me with all these threats, I’ve blocked his number now for my own sanity. He (detail removed by moderator) an appointment he’s got with a mediator (detail removed by moderator), I thought why would he do that because (detail removed by moderator) but it’s like he’s trying to say see look I’m doing it. Maybe he wants me to back down and agree to his latest demands, because he will get his way whether I do or I don’t. That’s how it feels. Just still in shock. And thinking do people change and recover from these things..? I’ve been in touch with a women’s refuge, they are helping me with a support worker and financial advice etc. I’m still paying so many debts on his behalf. But it’s in my name so I have no choice but to pay. He is also not paying any money for our son at all. Surely the mediators will say to him he should be paying a contribution? I just don’t get how people can be like this! I’ve always taken responsibility for myself and my children and pay my own way in life. It’s hard to think there’s people who think it’s ok to have someone cover your costs and not even offer to help with it.
Thanks for reading. X

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