Toffeeapple

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
I regret staying so long. Like yourself CB, I’ve stayed decades. I worry about upsetting my autistic grandson as his parents are separated. The abuse has settled but it won’t be for long. I’m trauma bonded too. I’d like to try leaving even if it doesn’t work out. Also I can see the abuse getting worse as I’m approaching old age now. Abuse in old age isn’t easy to escape from. I feel like I’m in a comfort zone that isn’t a nice comfort zone. I feel this way because I’ve been here for a long time. Do you feel that way CB? I find music and my dog helps with my poor mental health. Maybe it would be easier if I had friends but I’m an introvert. I haven’t got into therapy yet but hoping to visit a counsellor now the weather’s warmer. Sorry I haven’t any advice to give. I have stopped standing up to my husband, it makes him worse and then my nerves get bad because I don’t know how bad the abuse is going to be. I was heading for a breakdown last summer. I’ve set some boundaries which have worked but have a feeling they won’t last. Sorry, it’s rambly. Take care. X

[Toffeeapple]

Hi fire red fox
I can relate to some of this. I don’t think you’re being stupid at all. Throughout my marriage of many decades, my husband regularly went away drinking with friends. I used to feel upset.But some of the reason I was upset was because I was emotionally neglected as a child. I was naive about my husband’s personality. He went on a jolly when our kids were young, I struggled looking after them. I was up all night with my son who was vomiting. I don’t drive and have no friends. He never asked me how I felt about him disappearing. I went to a family event one day. When I got back, he said he had missed me. He is aware of my mental health issues and has told me I’m crazy. We hadn’t been married long when he first went away. I didn’t realise that it was a sign of things to come.It was a pattern that repeated itself. My husband made a commitment but didn’t keep it. Sadly my husband also abuses me. Anyway I hope life gets brighter for you. Take care x.

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

I told my husband I was going to write a book. His response was (removed by moderator). He threw cold water over it and was negative. I am not able to work outside the home due to (removed by moderator) illness. It’s just another part of the abuse being thrown at us. I have written a couple of chapters though. Take care. X

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Darknessallaround
Change isn’t easy when you’re older. I keep hoping my husband will change so we can stay together. Its normal and healthy to feel cautious about the unknown. Sometimes I think,’Why should I feel guilty for something I haven’t done wrong?’ Other times, I feel that I am at fault. There’s got to be more to a relationship and life than arguments and abuse. I’m thinking of having psychotherapy as I had an abusive childhood as well as an abusive husband. Thanks for replying to my post in September. Take care.

[Toffeeapple]

Hi missindependant.
Thank you for your support. I have left my husband now. Like you I threatened to leave for years but didn’t. No job, money and not wanting to upset him. The day after I left I was crying because I wanted to go back. Like many ladies say, the trauma bond is a force to be reckoned with. But that’s not so bad now. I even laughed at a comedy the other night. He’s saying he feels abandoned by his family so yes, I am feeling guilty. Hope we all go on alright. X

[Toffeeapple]

Thank you for your support silversapphire. I have left my husband now. Yes it is a cycle of abuse that needs to be ended. My family thinks I should have taken action years ago but it’s not straightforward. Take care x

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Sad and alone.
Thank you for your support. I have left my husband. I pushed through illness etc to leave. It’s quiet and peaceful where I live now so hoping it will help with healing. Good luck with your own healing journey. X

[Toffeeapple]

Thank you for your support Coogeebee. I have left my husband. Yes the manipulation continues, crying and promises to do this and that to put things right. Take care x

[Toffeeapple]

Thank you for your support Gerbil, I have left my husband. Even though I have mental health issues I could see the window of opportunity. Take care. X

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Hereforhelp,

Yes, I do have support from my daughter and son. Thank you for replying and also the insight into the situation. Take care. X

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