Tsunami Mommy

[Tsunami Mommy]

Tired of it all: I am glad you have been journaling and documenting your experiences and feelings as you have gone through this ordeal. I didn’t realize how much I have written over the years until I pulled the bulk of it out of hiding. A decade or more or pain and abuse, all laid out on paper. Re-reading these entries and letters was good for me. It reassured me that I am not crazy. I had the exact same feelings about this marriage way back when and I feel for the trapped and confused woman I was, (still am to in many ways). So, in a way, I am doing this for her. The woman who didn’t know why he treated me this way and didn’t have the strength or means yet to escape. Finding support is so important too. I filed for divorce (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t have any support then. I have learned that my family is here for me and who my friends really are through this. This time I am better prepared. I still have a long way in my journey. I feel like I am blowing up my whole life, but was the life I was living really a life at all?

 

[Tsunami Mommy]

Breathe 123: I am dealing with the same situation right now. I have two (detail removed by moderator) and have been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator) It feels like I have woken up from a nightmare. Coming to the realization that none of this has been my fault was monumental. Because my husband questioned everything I did and blamed me for everything he did (and didn’t do). We couldn’t do anything, (detail removed by moderator) He has me and the kids isolated. He had me convinced I was a threat to the family’s finances, which is impossible because he controls all of it. Blame shifting, Gas lighting, Dismissing, Devaluing, Contempt and rage from him has been my reality. The feeling that you are completely losing your mind. The self-doubt destroys you, emotionally – the stress, physically. He is supposed to be finding out that I filed for divorce (detail removed by moderator). I am terrified. I have been keeping all my important files and clothes in my car for the last week. The kids are home with him right now and I worry for their safety. I left them letters, hidden in the house, in case I am not home to explain this to them. Writing those letters to them was heart wrenching. I planned, diligently, for months. I got a separate bank and have slowly been moving what money I can access there. I have been doing whatever I can to prepare for this without him knowing. There is no explaining my decision to him, he has never valued my reasoning before. Why would this time be any different? I realized that I am doing this on my own and the only way to do this is to plan well and to leave. Period. We have to toughen up our hearts to survive, but we will heal in time. And hopefully the kids will heal in time too. I have been so good at hiding the dysfunction and toxicity from my kids and I know the kids will be upset by my decision to leave my husband. This has been my reason for staying all these years. I didn’t want to hurt the kids or have them hate me. I realized they have already been hurt by growing up in an unhealthy toxic environment. I am doing this for me and for them, for our futures. You are a competent intelligent woman. You are strong. You are capable. I believe in you.

[Tsunami Mommy]

I relate to your situation so well. The anger for me is in part due to c-PTSD I have as a result of almost two decades of narcissistic abuse. But, when I get angry with my husband, he turns it around on me and claims I am the abusive one. I tried sharing that I have physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, anxiety, crying all the time and trouble sleeping, because of his abuse. He said he feels fine. Which tells me, no, I am not abusing him. It’s just the never-ending blame shifting. I recently filed for divorce, but he doesn’t know yet. He won’t allow this to not get ugly, even though I have tried to get him to consider the affect his behavior will (and does) have on the kids. He has been successful in keeping me isolated from everyone and in doubting myself. The lack of support, self-doubt and fear are what has kept me hanging on for so long. You can tell him you want out until your face turns blue. He will not listen or consider the massive affect the relationship has had on you and your life. I filed for divorce four years ago and then withdrew the charges. Four years later, he has made no effort to change or even try. I have decided I am the one who will have to move out. I will have to upend my whole life to get away from him and it will be worth it. The financial abuse I have endured is incredible. Money is his number one way of controlling me. They make it impossible to leave with all of their manipulative tactics. I really felt for your comment about just how difficult the situation is, especially when you are isolated and feel trapped and hopeless. Continue to find your support and educate yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You can do this.

[Tsunami Mommy]

I filed for divorce about (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago. My husband knows I want out and he has and will continue to refuse me this. I have been saying, “I cannot do this anymore!”, for more than a decade. But instead, he is pulling the victim card saying because his parents had such a contentious divorce when he was young, that we can’t get divorced. I told him so many times to find a therapist or mental health practitioner to face this trauma he feels he endured as a teen. He is a covert narcissist, so there is nothing wrong with him, ever. And he can never be wrong or should be expected to apologize for anything. He will never face how his parents’ divorce messed him up and continues to blame me and pour on the guilt because I choose to move forward with my life rather than live with an abusive narcissist. I shouldn’t have to suffer for the rest of my life because he is a coward. I read a book suggested by a woman in the forum, “Why does he do that?”, by Lundy Bancroft, which opened my eyes wide to what I have been living with for almost two decades. Fear about how my kids will react to us divorcing is the excuse I was giving myself, as well as an insane amount of self-doubt. He has had me questioning my own reality for too long. What I know now is that the kids have been raised witnessing the abuse and living in a toxic environment, so it is my obligation to get them free of this too. It infuriates me that my kids have no clue what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.  My husband is an anti-social, withdrawn and an uninvolved father. My kids deserve better and so do I. He has kept us all isolated from my family and refuses to even have a relationship with them. He has kept me living across the country from everyone I love, and he took away all my means of money, so I have felt completely isolated, trapped and helpless throughout our whole marriage. The whole process of waking up from this abuse has been emotionally exhausting. I always knew something was very wrong and I have a sense of relief for finally being able to identify what it is and to know that none of this is my fault. I think I am at the anger stage of my grief. Angry for all those years lost, angry that my kids do not presently have any examples of what a healthy relationship should be, angry for all the lies and pain. Don’t let him gaslight, blame shift, demean, devalue, dismiss, mock, guilt trip, control, intimidate, manipulate and rage his way back into your life. He has done enough damage. Now comes a long road of getting this divorce completed and having to cope with his continued abuse and rage in the process. It means starting my life all over again from scratch, helping my kids heal, and healing myself. All of this is so hard to do when you are already emotionally exhausted and physically unwell as a result of living with prolonged abuse. Feeling empowered, thanks to this forum, and to the support I am seeking in order leave and heal. You can do this!

[Tsunami Mommy]

I always know I am going to hear what I need to on these forums.

I did it. I filed for divorce (detail removed by Moderator). Of course, I did this (detail removed by Moderator) year ago and ended up withdrawing the charges because of the guilt. Those conversations with myself are already happening in my head. Maybe once he sees I am serious, he will realize and admit that he needs to change. And then actually change. We give and we give and we give. We forgive.

I don’t think it is fair. I question whether I am making a huge deal out of nothing. But it has not been nothing. it’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life, trying to reach his unattainable standards, trying to be who he thinks I should be, trying to get him to accept me and love me for me. I don’t know if the guilt and doubt will ever go away. But maybe, just maybe I deserve to live my life the way I choose to. Maybe I have a big happy future in front of me and I have just been to blind to see it.

[Tsunami Mommy]

I am always the most worried when things are going well. I know then that it is only a matter of time before things blow up. And after things get back, I know I have a few days grace period of calm. This is not way to live.

[Tsunami Mommy]

These are all thoughts that ruminate in my head all day every day. Trying to set a plan in place so I can leave…then the practicalities and doubt set in. I have depended on my husband financially for 2 decades. I recently found a job, but I doubt my ability to cover all these expenses and what happens if I lose this job? I applied for a small place to rent, but I do not know if I am capable of moving away from my 2 kids. They need me and he is a deadbeat. He has never contributed to caring for them, for me, for the house…he is the only thing that is important to him. I know if it weren’t for my kids, I would have left him years ago. I decide and go back on it, decide and go back. Just one of many examples of how living with an abusive narcissist can make you doubt your sanity and your own reality.

But then I think about Courage. I think about Change. Change is part of life and I know if I do not make this change soon it will shorten my life and make me even more sick. It feels like my soul is broken.

Here is to courage and ending the doubt. Here’s to ending the wishy washy back and forth. Here’s to starting my life and being able to live it the way I want to. And maybe my kids will see that I am strong for doing what I need to do. Maybe this will be good for them to see that Mommy is capable of being happy, independent and strong. A life filled with compassion, understanding, support and love. I tried leaving 4 years ago. I don’t want to look back from 2028 only to repeat the same thing: I wish I would have left 4 years ago. I wish I had left 15 years ago. I still can leave. It’s not too late to start over.

[Tsunami Mommy]

SeaView21: I have been struggling to accept that my reality is valid and even though I feel confused and like I am going crazy, I know I am not the crazy one. I have had to constantly remind myself that this behavior is not normal and to try to stop doubting myself. This is what they do. They sow these seeds of doubt in you over time. For me it has been nearly (detail removed by moderator) decades, with a house and kids. I know I will be made to be the bad guy for blowing up our lives, but I think I have finally decided to go through with this and leave him. I filed for divorce (detail removed by moderator) years ago. When my husband was served the only thing he said, besides being very pissed, was “(detail removed by moderator)”. Cause it is about him and all the contempt that comes with it. He said nothing about how he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. He believes he is the victim. No, he is the coward! He had (detail removed by moderator) years to try to do anything at all to work on himself for the sake of this relationship, but he won’t cause he doesn’t believe any of this is his problem or his fault. He demeans, mocks and humiliates me with words like “(detail removed by moderator)”. I asked him to stop with the verbal abuse and he rationalizes why it’s OK for him to speak to me this way. He is never wrong. He will never apologize.

He has started putting random belongings of mine in the (detail removed by moderator) and is paranoid all the time, claiming that I deliberately do things out of spite. This is just not true. I ask him to help me with a house project or chore and he refers to himself as a “(detail removed by moderator)”. If he is going to do anything for me then I will to owe him. Everything is transactional. This is what they do: Dismiss, Deny and Devalue. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. One of the biggest issues I have had to deal with, besides the overwhelming emotional abuse, is the financial abuse. He made it so I had no money, no bank accounts or credit cards. He also has isolated me from my family who are on the other side of the country. I am completely alone out here. I was alone all day with young kids, no family and no money. Anytime we cannot afford a need he says it is because of me and my spending. I call bullshit. He catastrophizes. Not everyone is good with money. I bet you are good at a lot of other things though. Don’t let him shame you. This does not make you a bad person and in a healthy relationship (I have heard) you love all of the person, not just the parts they find acceptable.

The physical abuse started soon after my first child was born. All of it really started then. He started with throwing (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) at me. I finally filed for divorce after he punched me, but I withdrew charges because of the guilt I felt. Living like this has and is affecting my physical and mental health. I know I have PTSD, I am jumpy, anxious, nervous, my appetite is nonexistent, and I cry every day. My life with this man is maddening hell. I hope even one part of this can be of help to you. I am tired of the abuse, the gaslighting, the crying, isolation, contempt, humiliation, confusion and pain. No one should have to describe their relationship this way, but the worst thing we can do is doubt and lie to ourselves. You are stronger than you know. You deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship. You absolutely deserve to be happy. We all do!

 

[Author]

Posts