TurquoiseFairy

[TurquoiseFairy]

Hi Prisoner

Sending lots of love to you and as others have said it’s not your fault. My ex died a couple of years ago and I totally understand all the mixed emotions you are going through. It’s not straightforward grief like when a parent or child dies because at one point you did love him and then he did all those terrible things to you.
It took me a long time but I finally learned to love myself and realise that I deserved to be treated well. I hope you can really heal now.

Lots of love TF xxxxx

[TurquoiseFairy]

Thank you Ayanna and Lover of no Contact for your replies, yes I am so glad to have found this forum. Better late than never!

I was thinking this morning about the times that, if more people were educated about abuse, I could have been given help and things might have been very different. For example I went to the doctors after he pushed me down the stairs and I was covered in bruises. He didn’t often physically abuse me but I wanted the evidence documented. Why didn’t the doctor give me details of Women’s Aid or another organisation that could have helped me? And the same when I went to the solicitor to file for divorce, I told them I was leaving him because he was abusive.

One of the things that has been so hard and why all this pain from what happened a long time ago has resurfaced is because now his employer has trivialised the abuse too. They could have helped me and led me to believe that they would but by being complicit it’s like being abused all over again!

[TurquoiseFairy]

I still have dreams (detail removed by Moderator) years on and despite him now being dead. I dream he’s come back and he won’t leave despite having a new wife. It usually ends with me getting assertive and saying that he has to go and kicking him out. I don’t know if they will ever stop!

[TurquoiseFairy]

I separated from my abuser in (detail removed by Moderator), he died in (detail removed by Moderator) and what has happened since his death has brought up a lot of old pain. I don’t think it ever goes away completely but I have learned not to suppress it now. I allow myself to feel it without wallowing as I know the only way is through. xxx

[TurquoiseFairy]

No story is tame, what you are feeling is real. I downplayed the seriousness of the abuse I suffered in my marriage because it was mostly verbal. I now realise how bad it was. You deserve to be loved xxxx

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