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Many people gush over my husband, at what a ‘lovely’ man he is! He has made it his mission to charm everyone where we live so much I even doubt my own perception

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Thank you Footballfan1 and Tiredofitall for your replies and sorry I have taken a bit of time to reply. It’s encouraging to hear that opening up to work was a positive experience and that it helped you. I hope you’re both OK.
I’m not sure it’s safe for me to disclose any details to my work, even though part of me wants to tell people. My child is also part of the organisation where I work, if that makes sense, which could raise concerns even though what happened to me was in the past, with the person I’m still with. In my mind I now can’t distinguish between past and present which is confusing. In my last workplace I was told it was unprofessional to bring it up and I was shamed in front of my colleagues for this, so I’m terrified of making that mistake again.

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Hi Cedarlemon,
Thank you for replying and for your supportive words.
I hope your employer was supportive after you told them and that things are much better now.
I was not able to tell them the cause of my symptoms so they are still in the dark about that.
I keep thinking they would never have employed me if they knew all this at the time, so I feel guilty. Also I worry about upsetting people in the office by being difficult or selfish.

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Daffy03 and nbumblebee, thank you for your replies and support. I’m so sorry you are also going through this but thank you for making me feel less alone and for reading my post. I wish things would get easier for all of us.

You are right about finding safe spaces to talk, and releasing the anger safely. I’m so tired of the double life and not being able to tell people. It’s as if by not talking about what has happened these things actually didn’t happen. I made some big mistakes because I did not take my chance to be free of him when I could, when the police were called. I naively took him back and now he is too smart to physically assault me. I don’t even know if I could leave now, when I think about it. After the last 3 decades, I just feel like a sad old woman, just tired of everything, like all the life has been sucked out of me. I have so much anger, guilt and regret. The only thing that keeps me going is my children, who I do not regret, so then I feel bad about having regrets at all because it is all tied together, the good and the bad.

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Chocolatebar and Tiredofitall, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful messages and words of encouragement.
So sorry to hear you are also having a tough time and experiencing similar feelings.
As you say its not always easy to just leave, and going through this takes such a toll on our physical and mental health. I am hoping to start therapy soon and my GP has referred me to a psychiatrist. I hope the therapy will help me to make sense of things.
x*x

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Sorry to come on here saying this. Thank you for letting me have a moan. I hope everyone’s OK xx

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Thank you, Bananaboat and Twisted Sister for your thoughts and encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Unfortunately I am unable to leave this situation at the moment and he will not leave. The older child is legally an adult now and (detail removed by Moderator) so the younger one and I will just have to find a way to manage.

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Hi Eggshells,

Thank you very much for replying. That’s reassuring to hear, that you think I dealt with this well. I will certainly let my child know that they can talk to me anytime. I did tell them I was very grateful that they had spoken to me.
They said they would think about the therapy. They also think they have been dissociating (quite surprised they knew what that was) so I was concerned about that as it is something I do.

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Hi Eggshells, thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I wanted to reply before but just recently I have been feeling so overwhelmed with flashbacks and its making me literally sick.
What you have said has made a lot of sense, I understand I need a support network away from my husband and our mutual friends.

I have made an appointment with my GP as I wish for it to at least be documented what impact this relationship is having on me. I cannot continue to live with him as this is making me ill, I understand that now.

I thought counselling would cure me and make me normal so I wouldn’t be bothered by him, and I was wrong. He blames me for living in the past, now I understand why. I want to have a chance to live and thrive not remain in this hell of an existence.

Thanks again, for your supportive words xx

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Thank you very much for that Lisa. I did not know about DV Assist.

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MissLife, thank you so much for your reply. I’m so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I wish you all the best and I hope things will soon improve for you.
I’m not sure the police would do anything now as my husband is very careful and hasn’t used physical violence against me in a long time.
I think you are talking about applying for an injunction, to either stop the abuser being able to make contact with you, or to stop them being allowed to live in your home.
I need to get advice on where I stand with all this. I do not have much faith in the police after my experience with them in the past. My husband was charged with assault but when I tried to report the rape it was suggested I would be ruining his life. The officer clearly did not want me to report it, so in the end I did not. My personal appearance and weight was also questioned, and I was asked direct questions which were an attempt to discredit me and my mental health.
I am mainly worried about my child and my home. I worry that I’m being paranoid but I feel like my husband is calculating everything and trying to turn my child against me. My husband is constantly networking with influential people and likes to keep me in the dark about what he is doing. He also does not want me talking to them. Maybe I am just paranoid!

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Thank you so much Eggshells and Bananaboat for your replies. Now I realise I had been hoping that people would say what I’m experiencing was my fault or nothing abnormal. It has been passed down through the generations. I feel so sad for my children that I brought them into this, they are already affected and have emotional problems. I can only blame myself for this. Thanks for the advice about digital recorders. I had thought about trying to record conversations on my phone but it seemed tricky to do it without making it obvious.

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Watersprite, sorry I thought I had submitted my response but it seems to have been lost in the void. Thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry you have been through similar situation. Glad you are safe now and hope you and your family are doing better. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone and that there are people out there who have shown it is possible to get out of the trap and get their lives back.

Although I have an adult child they are still young and not independent so need support. Custody issues would apply to the rest of my family. I hope that is not giving away too much. The adult child has also been on the receiving end of verbal abuse and dislikes their father. I’m certain they are the exception there though. My husband is popular with the rest of the family and in some ways is a good father.

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Thank you all for reading my post and for taking the time to reply. Especially at the time I posted!

I am trying to build a support network and I have a new job. One problem is we have so many mutual friends and he is very active in the community. Professionally he is very successful and works a lot. He always has some project or obsession which takes up all his time or he is on social media.

When I met him I was (detail removed by Moderator), and he was the person that ‘rescued’ me. Things were intense really quickly I would say the abuse really started after I got pregnant. That was emotional but the physical and sexual abuse started after the birth when I started putting the baby first. After he was arrested and returned to the house he changed his behaviour and there was a period of almost normality (detail removed by Moderator). Apart from the effects the trauma had on me, and the ongoing emotional and financial abuse which got worse as the children got older.

I’m so confused. (detail removed by Moderator) I went downstairs feeling angry and he came up to me to give me a hug or a kiss, and I recoiled so he then said it was (detail removed by Moderator). Should I go and give him affection just to keep the peace with him while I make a plan? I have stopped being affectionate and am only civil with him at the moment because he kept blowing hot and cold and it was messing me up. Part of me is repulsed by him, but at the same time I feel a rejection every time he distances from me. I’ve been wondering if it is actually me that is the (detail removed by Moderator) and not him. I have been researching this recently and I do feel that he has (detail removed by Moderator).

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Thank you all so much. Your kind and supportive words have been so helpful.

You are all amazing ❤

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I can’t believe it, I actually got offered the job!
Thanks so much everyone for encouraging me.
I’m not sure what to do now about telling my husband. He won’t try to physically stop me going but I’m expecting some repercussions in some way through his behaviour towards me, and he is already financially controlling. Does that make sense? The start date is a while off so i don’t know if it’s better to delay telling him. Also I made the mistake of telling him a while back that I would consider leaving if I had the means.

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Thanks so much everyone for your encouragement ❤

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Thank you both ❤

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Hi Lisa,
Thank you for your kind and helpful response. I has been really hoping to start therapy soon but have not heard any more about it, so I must chase that up.
I tried to talk to my parents again about what I wrote in the post, and they don’t seem to understand. It just made me sound like I was the controlling one and now I’m starting to wonder if I am. Everyone thinks he is great and he is kind and complimentary to everyone except me.

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Thank you ❤

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Hi, thanks for your good wishes everyone.
I’ve had the interview and now I have the agonising wait to find out if I got the job.

I was interviewed by multiple people so it did feel quite intimidating. I tried my best to answer the questions but don’t feel I really sold myself. They were friendly and I didn’t say anything too embarrassing. I came out of it feeling quite positive but when i got back I realised I probably messed up in a few areas.

I’m dreading the call and hearing that I have been unsuccessful. I start feeling hopeless and that there will never be any way out.

I wish I could feel more positive about this.

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Nbumblebee thank you so much. I am trying to think positive about it. I’m preparing some answers now, and I must try to remember that before I met him I used to be good in interviews and I had a successful career. I can’t wait to be able to have hopes and dreams again.

Congratulations on getting your job and on your success. You sound like a very strong person.

Thank you for the tips, I will try to find some lucky item I can take with me, and of course will keep you posted on how it goes.

Thanks again both of you xxx

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Thank you, thats good to know.
I literally have nothing to wear, as I have put a bit of weight on and nothing fits. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this and I haven’t got access to money for clothes. I’m feeling so down about this whole thing and so isolated.

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Bananaboat thank you for your advice and kind words. It makes me feel much better if I can have some notes with me. I’m preparing some now. I wasn’t sure if taking notes in was seen as negative.
I really don’t want to appear anxious and if I have to make sustained eye contact I will find it more difficult to remember my answers.

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